04-15-03 The Lighter Side of War

Hey everyone,

- If you haven't turned in your taxes yet, well your out of luck. Have fun at Leavenworth!

Quite frankly, I am glad we are fighting Iraq right now. Nobody wants war, but sometimes, you just have to go out and let everybody know that you aren’t going to take any crap from anyone. We went over there, kicked butt and took hyphenated names. Heck, Saddam Hussein, whose name can be rearranged to spell “Minus sad heads” and “Ha! Sadism Nudes” is probably in limbo right now, getting his butt kicked by all the suicide bombers who found out that they weren’t getting seventy virgins for their deeds. And I mention this because of an article that you can read by clicking here that states “the famous passage about the virgins is based on the word hur, which is an adjective in the feminine plural meaning simply "white." Islamic tradition insists the term hur stands for "houri," which means virgin, but Mr. Luxenberg insists that this is a forced misreading of the text. In both ancient Aramaic and in at least one respected dictionary of early Arabic, hur means "white raisin." Meaning that these suicide bombers, instead of getting 72 virgins, are actually getting raisins! Can you imagine this conversation?

Suicide Bomber: Hey Allah, I just killed an infidel! Where are my virgins?
Allah: Nope, here are you raisins. Don't use them all at once. You have all of eternity.
Suicide Bomber: Crap, can they at least be Raisinettes?
Allah: Nope, White Raisins!

And I don’t care what the international community thinks. It’s quite fitting that Atlas Mountain Monkeys and two dolphins did more to remove a criminal dictator than the French. Maybe “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys” is an inappropriate title for the French now. Monkeys may get offended. The French always say "I hate the money-grubbing Americans, those snot-nosed Yankees! Yankee Go Home! Leave Jerry Lewis. I am going to go sit down and drink coffee. Oh no, there are Germans in Paris. America, I Love YOU!!!!!!" Then there are the Russians, who are still under the impression that they are a world power. They are like Groucho Marx; they can’t make anyone respect them without the greased moustache of communism and tyranny to make them recognizable. Germany didn’t want to fight because the invasion plans didn’t include Paris, and Belgium (Belgium?) feared that their great waffle making machines might somehow be used in the war effort to cook the troops Belgian Waffles. Turkey voted against allowing our troops to use their land, and then tried to cover their ground by saying that their voting machine used a confusing “Butterfly Ballot.” Switzerland didn’t want to fight because the Swiss Army Knives they are issuing to their soldiers – I am not joking here – no longer contain knives.

Also, this war is a symbol to the nutcase trying to build nukes in North Korea. Imagine the fear, where Kim Jong Il fears a similar uprising by the oppressed in his country: dogs. Those canines are sick of being a delicacy on their menu, and I think we are all looking forward to the day when North Korea is liberated and the dogs freely pee on a statue of Kim Jong Il. After thousands of years, the statue will collapse due to corosion. That'll be a great day

If you have any reason to argue against the war, think about this: In Uday Hussein's palace (paid for by your local UN "Oil for Food" Program), there were pictures in his workout gym of naked women, pornography, and two large pictures of George W. Bush's daughters (clothed!). Let's face it, if some evil dictator had pictures of your daughter in his pornography collection, and you had an army at your disposal, you'd probably invade too!

Now here is what cracks me up. In Iraq, there are "decks of cards" being dealt to soldiers and citizens with the picture of wanted members of the Iraqi Regime. Dictator Trading Cards! This is great stuff. These rare collectibles come with a picture of your favorite dictator, with great stats such as their war crimes and the bounty on their heads. Trade your favorites! Give the set as a gift to the bounty hunter you love! Put it next to your collectible "Anti-Saddam" Hockey Puck that you bought during the first Gulf War (I actually own one of these). I wonder if the card with the Iraqi Information minister has a Smart Chip that allows you to ask it any question, and it will produce a lie that only he could dream up. Examples:

Q: "Does Daddy Love Me?"
A: "Of course, that's why he let Michael Jackson sleep with you!"
Q: "Will the New York Rangers ever make the playoffs?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "Am I funny?"
A: "Yes, Janeane Garafalo, you are the funniest of the infidels."

Speaking of which, here are some great quotes from Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf - which I am not making up:

“There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!”

"The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad... Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected. Iraqis are heroes."

"We made them drink poison last night"

"Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

Let’s admit one thing, he ranks a perfect 10 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. Heck, if there was an 11, he deserves it. What he is saying is funnier than Tonya Harding throwing the opening pitch at a minor league game on “Baseball Bat Night,” then storming out of the stadium upon discovering this fact, and the announcers stating, “Tonya Harding has left the stadium in a hissy fit. She will no longer sign autographs.”

But the funniest thing that happened during the war was a suicide attack that Iraqi suicide soldiers tried to make when they attack a M1 Bradley Tank with - and I am not making this up - a bus. Needless to say, this attack worked as well as Michael Jackson's latest comeback.

And I leave you with this. Michael Jackson is letting us all into his vault and watch his private home movies! Check out the latest stop on the wild media circus at 9:00pm on April 24th on - do I even need to say it - Fox! For the record, that is my buddy Jill's birthday. And she is always suprised that I remember what her birthday is, because she claims that her friends usually forget. I think it's because her buddies try to spell her name, which is long (25 letters, and how I know that without counting is another story for another time). But Michael Jackson remembered, so happy birthday Jill! I hope he gets me something cooler for my birthday (which for you kind, generous, and rich types, is June 16th), like kegs. And I don't means one or two kegs. I know he's rich, I want enough kegs to get everybody I know and the cows in my hometown of Fulton, Maryland drunk! That would be cool, just as long as the Culkins don't show up.

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison