Twins Sign Kenny Rogers

In a non-Jorge Julio related story the Minnesota Twins have shocked the world by signing veteran country music star Kenny Rogers, pending an upcoming physical. This move has been subject to some scrutiny from the Minnesota press, who are wondering what business a country singer has on the mound in major league baseball.

This is what Kenny will look like with his new team.

Twins manager Joe Kerrigan tried his best to allay the public’s fears at the press conference. “I’m no gambler,” said Kerrigan, “I have great faith that Kenny Rogers can roast some opposing batters this year. They’re all scared of him. Chickens….every one of them.”

Despite these boastful comments, the crowd still seemed unsure. When asked about suddenly starting to play baseball after 30+ years in the music industry, mister Rogers had this to say:

“…”

After hours of interviewing Fred Rogers’ corpse, someone got the idea to ask KENNY Rogers that same question.

“Well, there’s a lot to being a pitcher. Like… when there’s a guy on base! You’ve got to know when to hold him… when to fold him! Know when to walk a guy… and know when they’re going to run!”

Kenny on the mound for an honorary start with the Texas Rangers. I guess it went to his head.

A reporter chimed in, looking for some explanation as to how a pitcher would go about “folding” a runner. Eric Milton, whose spot will be filled by Kenny Rogers, assumed his new roll as the team bouncer, hauling the man out into the street and thrashing him severely. His current whereabouts are unknown, but some suspect that the large puffy wall in the Metrodome isn’t as empty as you would think.

Kenny Rogers closed out his press conference with Torii Hunter in a duet of “Islands In the Stream.” More news as it becomes available.

This site is best viewed at 1024x768, so if it looks big to you: TOUGH SHIT!!