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Cloning Experiment Update!!
The Cal Ripken Cloning project is nearing it's final stages, but we have unfortunately hit a few unforeseen 'snags' in the process. After picking up the pace, and forcing our scientists to work round the clock in shifts, we are sill on schedule. But, while you wait for the new Ripken, Jorge Julio has agreed to share with you some of our unfortunate failures. This way, you can get an idea of what we had to go through for you, our loving fans. More will be added later...
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Das Uber Ripken |
Little Girl Ripken | Cal Rip... Taylor | ||
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| Description: This version started off very well, but unfortunately our instruments were not calibrated properly and too much muscle growth formula was added. Do to his poor stretching schedule he just could not maintain the flexibility to perform up to the old Ripken standards. Status: Was going to be kept on for security purposes. But after learning that his incredible muscle mass made it impossible for him to wipe his own ass, he killed himself |
Description: This was yet another attempt that involved a slight miscalculation on our part. We forgot to add the Y-chromosome, and thusly our new ripken was born unto this Earth as a female. During her training, she could not perform up to our standards, because as you all know, girls suck at sports. Status: Abruptly signed by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays |
Description: Our worst mistake ever. We are too embarrassed to even explain it. Status: Slowly and painfully destroyed |
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Sumo Ripken |
Ripken Hosen | Calboy | ||
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| Description: After taking down the muscle portion of the formula, so as to not create another uber-ripken, this attempt ballooned up to a massive 450 lbs! Very obviously being too far out of shape to play professional baseball, we chalked this one up as another huge failure... and we mean HUGE failure! For some reason this one turned out Japanese... Status: After devouring everything in sight and annoying everyone in the lab with his repeated query "Are you gonna finish that?," Sumo Cal was lead out to the forest by a trail of Ho-Ho's. His current whereabouts are unknown. |
Description: Still trying to solve the pesky nationality problem, this German Ripken was the next result. Although a snazzy dresser, this Ripken always seemed to have a drink in his hands and was far too drunk to ever play ball. He also seemed to have the strange ability to attract blonde women holding beer... Status: Although a lot of fun to be around, we never seemed to get any work done with Ripken Hosen around. After one to many trips to Cal-toberfest, his liver exploded causing a three day shower of alcohol over the lab. He will be sorely missed. |
Description: After finally adding the proper amounts of Americana into the mix, we had a Cal of the proper nationality. Unfortunately some Pun-oliptinol got added into the mix, and thus the Cal-boy was born. Status: Left on a quest to tell Paula Cole where all the cowboys have gone, and then to shoot her. Godspeed, Tex. |
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