Still

Nick visited Thai the following Saturday. That was the only time the patients could have visitors. And even then, they could only have certain visitors. But Taylor understood that Nick only wanted to help Thai, not harm. And she trusted that he wouldn’t try to sneak her in pills that she so desperately wanted.

Thai was tired of sitting around inside the building. So she and Nick went out for a walk. Heading for the lake. They didn’t hold hands. They didn’t kiss or get too close. They just walked together and talked about things.

“How are you getting along?” He asked. Thai, who had her head down at the time, looking up and shrugged.

“Fine I guess. I feel like shit, but it’s all for the better. Right?” He nodded. She lit a cigarette and brought it to her lips. And when she exhaled the smoke, she blew it away from him out of courtesy.

“You know I have to leave next week. Downtime doesn’t last forever.” They stopped for a moment and Thai leaned up against a tree.

“Yeah, I know.” She wouldn’t allow herself to tell him how she felt about him leaving. So she kept her response brief. And it wasn’t so much that his having to go upset her. It was the fact that at that very moment, she felt so distant from him. More than she had ever felt before.

When they were younger, things were different. She felt closer to Nick than she felt with anyone else. He knew her mind and soul. Just as well as she knew his. But now, when she looked into his eyes, she had no idea what thoughts were going through his head. It was like looking in the face of a perfect stranger. This bothered her. It tore her up inside.

Nick sat down against another tree. He plucked blades of grass from the ground, them threw them to his left. The silence between himself and Thai felt so foreign. So out of place. He felt like they should be talking more. Sharing more. Instead, there was just silence. He wanted so much to talk with her. Like they used to. Talk for hours on end, sometimes about serious issues. And then again, sometimes about absolutely nothing.

He wanted to start a conversation. But the sad thing was, he had nothing to say to her. He was happy that she was doing well and getting better. But she knew that. And he couldn’t think of anything else to discuss with her, even if his life depended on it.

Thai finished her cigarette and put it out on the bark of the tree. Then she just held the butt in her hand, not wanting the throw it in the bushes and litter. A breeze rustled through the trees and made Thai cold. Nick saw her rub her arms through her shirt and it gave him the initiative to take her back inside.

He stood up on his feet and wiped any dirt or grass off of the back of his jeans. Then he took her hand and they headed back. Still, no one said anything. The mood was incredibly dull. And neither of them knew just how to remedy this.

They went through the building and to the front door. Nick had rented a car. Thai knew how much he hated taking cabs. He was already uneasy when it came to other people driving him places anyway. To trust a complete stranger with his life in a moving vehicle was far too much.

“I’ll try to call you as much as I can. So keep your phone on.” She told him. Nick agreed and check his cell, just to make sure. There wasn’t much more left to say. So he kissed her goodbye and left. She watched as he got into his car and waved as he drove away.

It felt like a long walk from the front to the second floor’s den. She had so much on her mind. So many issues concerning Nick to think about. Like how they were going to continue on this way. Absolutely no chemistry between them.

She flopped down on the sofa and rested her head on Sukie’s lap. Sukie started to take strands of Thai’s hair and braid them as they sat there watching television.

“Nick and I are so over. Over before we even started.” Sukie stopped and looked down at her new friend. Chloe and Devon, who were sitting together close by, both stopped and looked too.

“What do you mean? You two broke up?” Sukie asked. Then she felt Thai’s tears falling down on her knee.

“No. But that’s where we’re headed. It’s unavoidable. There’s nothing between us anymore. It’s like our love died.” Sukie lifted her friend up from her lap, and she led her to their room so that they could talk in private. As they went down the hall to their room, Devon looked at Chloe, worried.

“You like her, don’t you?” She asked. Her voice quiet and her expression somber. Devon just looked through the cards in his hand and slapped down a Wild Card. They were playing Uno at the time.

“Nah, it’s not that. I just hate to see a woman cry.” Chloe became interested in this new sensitive side of Devon. She took her feet down from her chair and leaned in toward him, over the table.

“I knew it, you do like her.” She whispered. Her face just a little more alive now. Devon knew how silent and anti-social she was. And he was discovering a new side of her too. He felt like he might as well be honest with her.

“She’s intriguing. And I’m interested. But it’s not gonna go anywhere. So I’m not gonna dwell on it.” He explained. Chloe just bit her lip and put her feet back on the chair, holding her knees close to her chest. She had a childish smirk on her face and she would have that same expression every time Devon and Thai were in the same room after that day.

Sukie was sitting on her bed by now. Watching her roommate pace back and forth. To and fro. Raking her hands through her hair and trying not to cry too hard. It irked Sukie to see her that way and she knew that she couldn’t help her unless she knew exactly what was going on.

“Thai! Would you just tell me what’s going on! Please! Sometime before I reach menopause!” Thai stopped pacing and looked at Sukie down on the bed. Her eyes were red and watery. Her face, blotchy and puffy. And her hands were trembling. Maybe because she needed something to calm her down, maybe because this issue with Nick was tearing her apart inside. Or maybe both.

“He found me, Sukie. After like 8 years or more, he found me. And do you know what I was doing when he found me? I was stripping done to nothing in a club. And not because I needed the money. But because my fiancé would beat me to a bloody pulp if I didn’t make him money. The way he wanted me to make him money. But even after he saw the way I lived, he embraced me and loved me. I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills. And even then, he loved me. I moved away from him, just to fall into more drugs and some of the craziest sex shit I don’t even wanna describe. And he still loved me. Then my friend died. So I ran again, here, and again I tried to kill myself. And had he not come for me, I would be lying six feet into the ground right now. And he’s still here.” Thai stopped for a moment to breathe. And before she could say another word, she fell to her knees and started weeping. Sukie was beginning to understand.

“He’s done so much for me. More than I can say. He picked me up when I was down. He saved my life. He got me in here so that I could kick this habit. And I owe him everything. And I know I should love him. I mean, men don’t get better than Nick. But when we kissed today, I felt nothing. The night he found me at the club, we made love. And I had never felt so wonderful. Fireworks were going off in my heart. And now there’s nothing. And as much as I hate to admit it, I feel like I’m with him because I’m obligated. Not because I love him.” Sukie understood everything now. Nick had been like an angel to her, and now she couldn’t find it in her heart to love him romantically. Sukie got on the floor next to her friend and held her tight.

“I know this is probably the last thing that you want to hear... but you have to tell him. Everything that you just told me. If you don’t, this relationship is just gonna lie stagnant. Thai, he needs to know. Be honest. It’s only fair that he knows the truth about how you feel.” Thai wiped her eyes and fell back against the wall. She knew that what Sukie spoke was the truth. And if she loved Nick as a friend, she was going to have to tell him the truth.

There was a light knock on the door. Sukie rolled her eyes, recognizing the pattern of the knocking. She got up, lazily, and trudged tot he door to open it. Before it was completely open, she asked Devon what he wanted.

“I got Thai some Butterfingers’s and some Twix. And I also got a Mystic.” He turned to Thai at this point. “I always see you with these so I figured they were your favorite.” Sukie let him in and he gave the bag to Thai. He kneeled down and wiped a tear from her face with his thumb.

“Thanks, Dev. These are my favorites. You’re so sweet fro noticing.” She said between short sniffs. He just smiled sheepishly and got back up on his feet.

“I’ll see you guys later. And I... uh... I hope you feel better Thai.” He waved and started down the hall to his own room. Sukie was impressed by his kindness. It wasn’t like him. And it puzzled her. She shut the door slowly and looked down at Thai with a grin.

~*~*~*~*~*~


The very next afternoon, between seminars, Thai managed to get to the payphone and call Nick. She hoped that he wouldn’t be in the middle of a pr meeting or something. But she had to take her chances.

Nick’s cell phone rang in his pocket. He took it out and looked at the number. He didn’t even have to look at the caller, he recognized the area code and immediately answered.

“Thai? What’s wrong?” He asked quickly. She twirled the phone’s cord around her finger nervously.

“Nothing’s really wrong with me. I just need to know what’s a good time we can talk. Cause I really have to discuss something with you.” Nick was in a meeting with management at the time. But he didn’t care. He excused himself and stepped outside. Telling everyone that it was an important family issue that he had to take care of.

“We can talk right now. What’s going on?” Thai kept playing with the phone cord, trying to find the words to say to explain herself to Nick.

“When you were here yesterday, I realized something about us. And instead of sugar coating this, I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Nick, when we kissed yesterday, I felt nothing between us. It just didn’t feel right. And when I think about it, our relationship won’t go anywhere. And I feel this way about it because I don’t love you romantically anymore.” Nick was afraid of this. And it shocked him. Still, he was feeling the same thing.

“Thai, I don’t want you crying over this.” He could hear the sobbing in her voice. “Because, baby, I feel the same way. We’re just not as close as we used to be. And judging by the way things are now, no, our relationship won’t go anywhere. But we can change that, baby. We just have to learn to love each other again. You do have to admit, we’re a perfect match. It’s just that it’s been so many years and so much has happened. We have to allow ourselves some time.” Thai listened to him give reasons why they shouldn’t just call things off. And even though she still didn’t feel right being his girlfriend. She knew that they had to at least give it a chance, for true love’s sake.

“So you wanna start over?” She asked, for her own confirmation.

“Yes, I do. I think we should just wipe the slate clean and start over. Fall in love all over again. I have never felt closer to anyone that I used to feel with you. And I’m not about to just let you slip away again.” Brian opened the door and peeked out into the hallway at Nick. He gave him a grimacing look which urged him to cut his phone call short and come back. For Brian knew it wasn’t a family emergency.

Thai couldn’t decline on Nick’s offer. She didn’t know of another man who would put up with all of her problems and still want to take a chance on her. And she too was not going to let him slip away.

“Then we have an understanding.” She replied. Nick pushed Brian back into the room and turned away from the door.

“Listen, I really have to go. But call me again later. I’m thinking tomorrow around this time. I’ll be completely free.” This time Howie opened the door and pleaded with Nick to come back in.

“Alright then, baby. I’ll talk to you then. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.” Nick clicked his phone off and slipped it into his pocket before finally returning to the meeting. Thai just hung up the phone slowly and looked at Devon and Sukie in who were standing not too far behind her.

“Well, what’s the verdict?” Devon asked. Even though he wished she would say that she was single, he would be happy for her whatever the outcome.

“Nick and I are gonna start anew.” Was her brief answer. She grabbed her notebook and they went off to their next seminar. Sukie knew Devon was slightly disappointed. So she put her hand on his shoulder for comfort.


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