Doubts and Debts

Nick’s hotel wasn’t very far from the rehab center Thai was in. He wanted to be as close as he possibly could be to her during her first few weeks there. After leaving, it took him about twenty or thirty minutes to get back to the hotel. Considering the traffic during the rush hour.

Once safe in his room and on his bed, he closed his eyes and recapped on all that had happened since he found Thai in the strip club. So much had gone on. Just when he felt like his life was stable. He had Kara. She was so special to him. He knew that no matter what happened, she would be there for him. And yet, he pushed her away. He wondered if she’s still take a chance on him if things fell through with Thai.

But they couldn’t fall through with Thai, right? She was his first love. The girl he planned his life around. The girl who encouraged him at the very beginning of his career. The girl who he was born to be with. Right?

Nick jerked his eyes open. If she was so perfect for him, why was he having doubts? It scared him. He wasn’t supposed to have doubts. Thai was right for him. She was perfect for him. His first love. The perfect love.

He closed his eyes again, secure with his decision in sticking with Thai. Besides, she needed him. If it weren’t for him, she’d have been lying lifeless in a tub of blood and water. In addition to saving her life, he owed her his love. He had broken her heart years before, and she deserved his love now. She deserved all his time and attention too. So, this relationship just had to work!

~*~*~*~*~*~


After a very first day, Thai made her way back to her room with Sukie by her side. Thai was exhausted and on edge. She desperately wanted something. Something strong at that. A few percocets, or maybe a vicodin. The “Purple Pills” song by D12 was sounding like a life story to her right then.

She was pulled from her train of thought when Devon caught up to the two girls and tapped Thai on the shoulder. She stopped abruptly and turned in one jerk. It just further showed how edgy she was.

“I was just wondering if you’d wanna come outside and have a quick smoke with me before they lock the doors.” Thai just nodded stiffly. A few good drags would really calm her down, for the time being anyways. But before she could go, Sukie pulled her back.

“Sorry, Dev. Thai and I really, really have to talk. And it’s very important. But you two can get that smoke in early tomorrow, ok?” Devon nodded, just as stiffly as Thai did. And she could tell he was feeling the exact same way she was. He took his hands out of his pockets briefly to wave goodbye, then he walked off toward the deck where he could go ahead and smoke.

Sukie pulled Thai into their room and shut the door. Thai just sat down on the bed, rubbing her arms to keep her hands busy. They were shaking from nervousness and she hated when they shook.

“I’m really sorry I kept you from smoking. But getting to close to Devon is so not a good idea.” Sukie advised before going to sit on her own bed. She reached into her drawer and pulled out her stud nose ring. She had the hoop in at the time and she never slept with the hoop in.

“Why is it a bad idea for me to hang with him? You do.” Sukie nodded and didn’t respond until she had made the switch.

“Devon is bad news. He’s in here for cocaine and some other weird shit he did. But he should be in rehab for nymphomania. He’s sex driven. And I don’t want him to get you into trouble.” Thai smiled and fell back on her bed.

“You don’t have to worry about all that. Nick and I are working on rebuilding out relationship. It’s weird, you know? It’s been so many years. And here we are. Starting all over. I never imagined it would be this way. But he’s done so much for me and, I owe it to him to make this work.” Sukie got back up and started to change into the clothes she slept in.

“Good. Then I don’t have to worry about Devon.” Sukie made a disgusted face when she said his name.

“Ok, explain something to me. You and Devon seem pretty cool with each other. In lunch and at dinner, you two were joking around and shit. Now, you act like you hate his guts. What gives?” Sukie sighed and turned around.

“If I tell you, you gotta swear not to let Devon know about it.” Thai nodded in agreement. But when Sukie still remained quiet, Thai knew she wanted to hear it.

“Alright, alright. I swear I won’t say anything to Devon. Or anyone else for that matter. Just tell me already!” Sukie rolled her eyes.

“About 2 months ago, I was at this rave. And I met him there. I was high but he was completely stoned. But the thing about Devon is, even when he’s stoned, he acts normal. You can’t tell he’s not thinking straight. Anyway, we went into some room and started making out and shit. Then we’re fucking. And I mean really fucking. I never felt so good in my life. We ended up sleeping in that room, and the next morning, he had no idea who I was or what we did. I mean, we had held such a good conversation that night. And I was thinking that this guy could be boyfriend material. But he didn’t even remember my name. He got up and left with this major hangover and I didn’t see him again for a while. But when I asked people about him, they all said what a reputation he had with girls. They said that even if he did remember what happened the night before, he wouldn’t have pushed for any kind of relationship anyway. I know my expectations of him were high. But I thought he’d at least remember that we fucked each other! I mean, come on, right!” Sukie rolled her eyes again.

“Anyway, he was committed into this place about two weeks after I came back. And he honestly had no idea who I was. He didn’t even say ‘don’t I know you from somewhere?’ He was just clueless. And in a way, that really sucks, you know? I know I fucked him the same night I met him, but still, he made me feel even cheaper by not remembering.” Thai could kind of understand where Sukie was coming from. And she understood why Sukie didn’t want her to get caught up with Devon. She was trying to spare her feelings when Devon brushed her off after he got what he wanted.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Sukie shrugged it off.

“It’s cool. I just don’t want him sleeping with anyone else until he can get over his addiction. Maybe then he’ll remember the girls he messes around with.” Sukie went into the bathroom and started to wipe her makeup off. Then she washed her face.

Once she got out, she got out, Thai went in. She couldn’t wait to get into the shower. Hot water would certainly refresh her and make her feel better. After she undressed, she took the wrappings off of one of her wrists. The skin was red all around the wound. And the wound itself was far from healed. It merely had dried blood over it as protection.

“I love ya, white blood cells, but you’re making my cuts itch like crazy.” Now that air had hit it, it itched even more. She reached into her bag and cleaned in with saline. Then she wrapped it up with new bandages and gauze. She did the same with her other wrist and her ankles. After this, she realized she wouldn’t be able to get into the shower or the bath tub for the matter. She would have to fill the sink with water and wash up that way. It sucked, but it was the only thing she could do until her cuts scabbed over.

Once she was cleaned up and had fresh bandages on her cuts, she thought about Nick. How he had saved her life. What was she thinking? Trying to end her life. She had to learn to stop running from her problems like that.

~*~*~*~*~*~


Thai went into Dr. Edward’s office after a group meeting and sat down. It was so quiet there. You couldn’t hear all the chatter from her fellow patients. All you could hear was the sound of her pencil on paper and the ticking of the clock mounted on her wall.

“Alright, Thai. You’re right on time, that’s wonderful. How are you doing?” Thai shrugged and kept looking around.

“Ok I guess.” Taylor put her pencil down and gave Thai all of her attention.

“Why do you think you’re here, Thai?” Taylor asked. Thai shrugged again. She was still anxious and shaky.

“Cause I’m a druggie.” She said. Thai was always one for sarcasm.

“And why do you suppose you’re a druggie, as you said you are?” Thai didn’t know exactly how to answer that. But she thought of something to say.

“Because I’m weak.” She replied.

“What makes you feel weak, Thai?” Thai had to think once again.

“I honestly don’t know.” Taylor sat back in her chair.

“How would things be different if you were stronger?” Thai started to fidget again.

“I wouldn’t have stayed with Mickey so many years.” Thai knew that Taylor didn’t know who Mickey was. “Mickey was my fiancé. Back in Florida. I worked at his strip club and never got to spend a dime of the money I earned. He kept me in expensive clothes and jewelry though. He just beat up on me all the time. So instead of just leaving, I wanted to end my life. So I took a bottle of pills and chased it with liquor. I don’t even remember what I took or what I drank with it. But I do know that at the time, I didn’t really want to die. It was just a sick cry for help. None of that would have happened if I were strong.” Taylor nodded which told Thai to keep going.

“I wouldn’t have taken all the pills and shit with Jade and Sean. I wouldn’t have smoked marijuana. Hell, I wouldn’t have done all the shit I did in Denver had I been strong. And when Jade OD’d, I wouldn’t have run away again. I wouldn’t have slit my wrists and ankles! I wouldn’t have really tried to kill myself!” Thai was shouting now and crying att he same time. She had never really let her feelings out about all the things she had done until then.

“You know, I’m so awful for him. I’m just this huge burden that he refuses to leave behind. And he deserves better!” She stopped to wipe her eyes and nose with tissues that were conveniently sitting on Taylor’s desk.

“Who deserves better? Nick?” Taylor asked.

“Yes. He deserves more than this. He needs someone who he can love, not worry about all the time. And when it comes to me, he is always helping me and saving me. And he shouldn’t have to spend all his time catering to me. I just can’t give him what he needs right now. And if I were stronger, I could! I wish I were strong. I wish I was different than this.” Taylor didn’t speak. She knew that Thai needed time to calm down. She was crying so hard now that she couldn’t talk without sniffing. And if she tried to talk, it was broken up with sobs.

“You’re emotional right now. And I won’t force you to talk. I’ll get someone to walk you back to your room.” Taylor said softly. And when she passed by Thai’s chair, she rubbed Thai’s shoulder.

“You did fine. That’s what this is all about. Loosening up and allowing yourself to find out what’s troubling you and to fix it. The more you learn to take control of your life, the less you’ll rely on substances to control it for you.” Taylor opened the door and stepped outside. Then she returned with someone behind her.

Come on, Thai. Devon’s gonna walk you back to your room. I want you to lie down for a while and relax so that you can carry on with today’s agenda, alright?” Thai just nodded and went with Devon.

Devon wrapped his arm around her shoulder and led her upstairs. She was too withdrawn and emotional to get there by herself. When they got to her room, he opened the door and led her in. But he didn’t leave then. Instead he went into the bathroom and wet a cloth with warm water. Then he wiped the tears from her face.

“You ok?” She nodded and looked up at him. He smiled his devilish smile and kept wiping her face.

“I’m gonna go to the store. You need anything?” Thai shook her head this time.

“Well, ok. But if I see something that reminds me of you, I’ll pick it up for ya.” He touched her face with his soft hand and then stood up from his kneeling position. Sukie had just opened the door when he stood. She crossed her arms and waited. He just slipped passed her, assuming she looked so impatient because he was in her room. He was oblivious to the real reason.

Thai felt better already. Having gotten so many things off of her chest was a relief. And she didn’t feel as shaky anymore. She was beginning to think that she yearned for getting high so much because it made her forget about the past. But coming to terms with the past was a better feeling by far.


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