It's hard to believe the end is here. It seems as though it was only yesterday when we started all this. God, doesn't that sound cliché? Something a typical, washout has-been would say. Maybe that's what I am now. Just a has-been. Someone whose fifteen minutes of fame is up. But it feels as if it's so much more than that.
This wasn't something I took light heartedly. This was my life. My soul. My passion. Now, it seems as though it's been taken away. Ripped at the seams, never to be restored again. Glue can't fix this one. It's all gone and I'll never have the most important thing in my life back. Sure, I'll still have my talent. But, what good is it if I cannot share it with the world? What good is it if I cannot bring smiles to peoples faces like I once did?
It's odd. I didn't think that I would be this upset. I thought that I would see this as another ending to a chapter in my life. That I would be able to move on, and be happy that I had memories to look back on. But, moving on is the last thing I want to do right now. I want to be able to wake up tomorrow knowing that the Pontiac Silverdome is packed with 60,000 screaming fans, ready to hear my voice, and scream out my name. But, that's not going to happen. Not anymore. It used to be like that. "The good ol' days", right? There I go. Being a has-been again.
It's amazing how a person could get so attached and sucked into a lifestyle. My life revolved around this. I risked everything for it- family, friends, lovers, dignity, and happiness. But, did I ever really have those things to begin with? Happiness I had. Every night for hour and a half happiness inhibited my life. Pure bliss I suppose you could call it. Not many people get to experience that- pure bliss. And definitely no one gets the honor of keeping it.
I do have many memories though. The most touching experiences of my life happened in these past eight years. The things people have told me. How I touched their lives. Me. Little old me made a difference. I beg to differ, but, that's what I've been told. What about them? How they inspired my life. What about that? Or about, how, at the roughest times, they seemed to make it all worthwhile. Made life worth living. I don't think that they realize that though. I used to go to my hotel window in the middle of the night and just stare down at them. All the fans, united, cuddled up to each other on the sidewalk trying to sleep. God, how I used to thank them silently for all that they've given me. Strength. Happiness. Pride. They were the inspirational ones. Not me.
I'm standing here now. Backstage. Waiting to go on one last time. Waiting to be accepted by thousands. I look around at the scene before me and close my eyes. Making a memory of my last moment. Trying to comprehend the feelings in my heart and in my mind right now. But, I don't think I can. They are so mixed. I have to admit, I am somewhat glad that this is all over. No more nine-month tours. No more fast food. No more sleepless nights. No more headaches. No more heartache. But, still, under all that stress and pressure that was caused from this journey that I have been on, there is a sense of complete happiness. And I know that it will be missed. I miss it already. Life won't be the same ever again. It can't be.
My brothers. The four men that I grew up with. What am I going to do without them? They're everything to me. What we've been through together…I will never be able to share any of that with anyone else. Anger, happiness, love, laughter, and even jealously- all these and more have brought us so close. Closer than I've ever been to anyone and closer than I ever will ever want to be. They're my soul mates. Without them, I know not where I would be.
We're standing here in a circle hugging each other. Just the five of us. We don't even speak; yet, we know each and every thought running though each other's head. We know this is the end. There is no more after this. After tonight, we go back to a normal life. This will be just the past. We hug each other tighter and look up. We nod, and proceed forward. To our stage. The place where we shine. Our home. You know what they say- "Home is where the heart is". I've never felt more heart in my life then when us five are up there.
I thought I would be overrun with sadness right now. But, you know what? I've never been more happy or proud in my life. Happy with what I've done with my life, and proud of who I've become. All great things must come to an end. This is our time. Our final time to shine. Our ending chapter. There are no prologues. This is it. The end.
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