"What do you have to lose?"
That's what they all ask me. What do I have to lose? What do I have to lose?? Everything and nothing at the exact same time. Everything because without him I am unable to function and nothing because I never really had him. He was always just something I saw in the distance…until that day. Until that day that I actually got up enough nerve to walk over and talk to him. And what did he do? He talked back. He actually talked back to me. And he smiled at me. I hate him for doing that to me.
Now, I know that he didn't know that what he was doing was pure and utter torture to me. And I'm sure he didn't know that when he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close that he was ripping my heart out of my chest and stepping on it. I'm sure he didn't. But, when he did that- that's exactly what happened. It was like one of those really bad dreams when all you want to do is run, but you can't. You keep trying and trying and it looks like your running but when you look around at your surroundings it just so happens you're in the exact same place you were when you started. It's hell, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
In this situation though, that's not completely true. I could stop it. I could have stopped it by not talking to him anymore. But, I mean, he intrigued me. I was fascinated with him. And when I started talking to him and finding out his hopes, and his dreams and aspirations, it was like I was talking to myself. I couldn't just stop talking to him. I had become his friend. And then…then he started referring to me as "his best friend". I had become the best friend. And you know what that meant- he told me everything. EVERYTHING. Including details about him and his girlfriend's perfect life. Lucky me.
So, I was the best friend. No big deal, right? Wrong. It was a very big deal. Especially with his social status. People started coming up to me that I didn't even know, and they were telling me facts about myself. Asking for autographs and pictures like I was Marilyn Monroe or something. To them, I was the best thing since sliced bread, and just one step away from him. Then it got a little carried away. People started following me. Spreading rumors about me…me and him. Me and him together. Now, personally, I didn't mind those rumors. But, his girlfriend did. And inevitably we stopped communicating. He said it was because he was "just too busy" But, I knew better, she was jealous. And God knows we can't have that.
Four months. Four long months. I tried to get over him in that time, I really did. I even went on a date. But it just ended with the date saying "Hey, aren't you friends with…" So much for getting over him. He was everywhere. Everywhere I looked there was his face, or someone mentioning his name. It was hell. But, then I got a call. It was him. He broke up with his girlfriend and he needed me. He actually needed me. Now, I know I should have told him that he couldn't just expect me to come to his aide. But, I mean, I was his best friend. And I did love him. I couldn't just leave him to dwell in his misery. I had to go help him. So, I did.
He told me everything. About how she was jealous of our relationship together and didn't want us talking anymore, and how their schedules were just to conflicting to have a relationship. So, I told him that it wasn't worth his time and that she just wasn't the one. He was so heartbroken. I just wanted to take him in my arms and tell him that I was there and everything was okay. But I wasn't Julia Roberts and this sure as hell wasn't some movie. This was real life. And real people just don't do that.
So, here I am today. Scared. Scared that I might lose the most important thing in my life. So, is it worth it? No…yes…I don't know. And what do I have to lose? His friendship. But, he's not like that. Or is he? Maybe I'm making it out to be worse than it really is. Or maybe it really is this bad. Should I put him through this? Or should I hide my feelings for another twenty years and tell him when we're on our deathbeds? No. I have to do this. I have to tell him how much he means to me, and how much I…I love him. Whoa…I love him. Okay, Nothing to lose…
Have you ever been in love so bad that it hurts inside when you see that person? It hurts because this feeling is so new and unreal, and it hurts because this person isn't yours. Or have you ever been in love so bad that you don't know what to do with yourself? Should you tell this person that you love them? Or should you just let them walk out of your life and save yourself from the pain that might be brought upon yourself?
She's my best friend. The one person in this world I truly trust. And, believe me, I know a lot of people in this world. I remember when I first met her. She came up to me first. She was breathtaking. She was so plain looking, but at the same time she was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen in my entire life. And her smile…God her smile. Every time her face formed that simple structure it was as though a thousand angels were singing their heavenly hymns to me. Okay, okay, I know- that was incredibly corny and I'm usually not like that, but, there is no other way to describe how she makes me feel with just her simple, crooked smile.
So, we met. We became friends rather quickly. Then we became best friends. It was great. Everything was perfect and I started to get to know her better. And the more I knew, the more I liked. She was such a strong person. Good morals, and she went after what she wanted. But then…then work got in the way. You see my life is not like most peoples. Work is my life. And I can't let anything get in the way of that. Especially not women. If I did I would not only ruin my career, but I would break thousands of little girls' hearts around the world. Who cares if I'm happy-just as long as they are.
How did work get in the way, you ask? Well, they made me lie. They made me lie to her, and to my friends, and to the world. I told everyone I was in love with this girl. She was a great person, don't get me wrong. She just…she wasn't the one I wanted. It was for publicity. You see, people wanted us together, and you have to give the people what they wanted. So, that's exactly what we did. We gave the people exactly what they wanted. They wanted us together, so we were. Problem is- she fell in love. I was in love all right, but not with her. What we had was wrong. But, I couldn't tell the person who I really was in love with what was happening. If one person knew, you could pretty much assume that the whole world knew. But, I can trust her right? Not according to them. According to them I could trust no one. So, I trusted no one…
I know what I did was wrong. And believe me, I fought it so many times. But, work was my life. And if I wanted to keep on living this life of mine I had to do what they wanted. I couldn't take it anymore. I saw the way she looked at me when I was with this other woman. She gave me this look of disgust. She was my best friend; of course she could tell that I wasn't happy. I couldn't take it anymore. So, I did the only thing I could do. I stopped talking to her. I told her that I was just too busy and didn't have time for her anymore. I lied to her. I lied to the one person I trusted, cared about, and most importantly- loved.
Four months. Four long excruciating months. Without her. Without her by my side helping me through the hard days. Telling me that no matter what- she was there for me. God, those were the hardest days of my life. Not only was I without her but also I was putting on this charade with this other woman pretending to be in love with her. Finally, I went to management. I told them that I couldn't do this anymore. That if I had to do it for one more day that I would quit. I guess they realized that maybe this wasn't such a great idea and we "broke up". It was everywhere. Media ate it up like a bar of chocolate. And so did the people.
What did I do next? I called her. I called her and I told her how 'heartbroken' I was that we broke up. How I didn't think I could live without her. How it hurt to breathe when I thought about her. All the while she thinks I'm talking about this other person, when in reality, I'm describing my life without her in it. But, I couldn't tell her this. Not yet at least. I had left her. Now, I had to get her back. I had to win back her friendship.
I worked. I worked hard. And we became friends again. Best friends. Better than we were before. And, now here I am today. Sitting here, thinking about what to do next. Do I tell this woman that I love her more than life itself? That I'd rather die then live another day without knowing if she can return the love I feel towards her? Or do I forget about it? I'd save myself a lot of hurt if I kept it bottled up inside. I mean can I really take the pain of her rejecting me?
People always tell me, "C'mon man, tell her- what do you got to lose?" What do I got to lose? Everything and nothing at the exact same time. Everything if she doesn't return this love and nothing if she tells me that she longs to hold me just like I do her. It is worth losing it all? No…yes…I don't know. All I know is that I am in love. So, yes…yes, I should tell her. I should…but will I? Nothing to lose…
SEND FEEDBACK TO Larmie749@aol.com