As I look out the hotel room window to the busy New York streets below me I realize how lonely I am. Not just lonely because all my friends are out at a party, but lonely in my heart. I have nobody. Millions of people all around the world claim their undying love and passion for me everyday, and yet, I'm so helplessly lonely. Some people call it conceit, and bitterness. I call it being human.
Not many people see that though. The fact that I am human. For some reason they all seem to think that I'm this huge, mighty superstar who can take on the world. But, I'm not and I cant. I'm only nineteen. I haven't even begun to live yet, and already I feel as though my life is ending. You won't understand. I can just see you there, shaking your head at me. Thinking 'what more does this kid want from the world'. I want nothing. Absolutely nothing. And for some reason, I seem to be getting more and more each day.
Why am I so lonely? I could have any girl I want. I know that. I act like I don't, but I do. I don't want any of them. They only want me because of who they think I am. They have set this image in their minds that I am perfect. And every time I meet a new girl I always end up ruining that image. What do they expect of me? Do they want me to be this sensitive man who cries all the time? Do they want me to be a tough guy who isn't scared of anything? Do they want me to be this sweet romantic who brings them roses everyday? How can I be all this for them? I don't even know who I am.
I've been told that I'm this huge superstar who everyone in the world loves. What are they talking about? Are people crazy? That's not me. That's not who I am. I'm a kid. I'm a child who just wants to go play basketball at the park with my friends. I'm a child who when I'm sad wants to be able to run to my mommy's arms and cry. I'm just a little kid who wants to enjoy life. People don't see that. Why don't they see this? I just don't understand it.
How can people put such high expectations into someone they know nothing about? Everyday, I'm supposed to live up to these expectations of the media, and of the fans. Never myself. Never do I live up to my own expectations. Everything is for everyone else. I know, that sounds incredibly selfish, but for once I'd like to do something that I want to do. Be the person I want to be. But I can't be that person because I don't even know who that person is.
I thought that this was what I wanted out of life. Money, fame, and happiness. Well, the moneys good, but it doesn't buy you everything. The fame…give me a break. It's all fake. It's all one big movie and I'm just another actor in it. Portraying this 'glorious' part. Don't even get me started on the happiness. I mean, sure, I am happy. I'm happy when I'm on stage. That's when I truly get to be myself. Whoever that is. But everyday life is hell. Always making others happy. That feeling…that feeling that you're doing something right…that can only last for so long. Sure, I feel great that I'm making millions of people happy, but I wont be content with it till I'm happy.
One day, though, the movie will end and I will be forgotten, the money will vanish, and happiness…it'll never be there. Maybe some people just aren't supposed to find happiness. I guess I'm one of those people. But, I suppose I can't complain. I'm not allowed to, remember? That would make me imperfect and God knows we can't have that.
I am Justin Randall Timberlake, and I am lonely.
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