"You can't tell me what to do"
"You're not the boss of me"
Words so easy to say when you're six years old, but now, at twenty-four, it's not so easy to say. They're perfect and exactly what needs to be said, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. And what keeps happening? What are the consequences? The same consequences that have been for the past six months.
Why can't I tell her this? She loves me, she'll understand, right? Maybe not. Maybe she doesn't love me. Maybe I don't love her. So, what am I doing here then? I'm doing what's convenient, that's what. I hate that word, convenient. Nothing in this world that is convenient is actually, truly, right. And this is a great example of that.
I know she's a good person. Deep down inside I know she has a good heart. But, telling me who I can and cannot be friends with is…it's unnatural. And it's wrong. But, I just keep letting her do this to me. Letting her hurt me in ways she can't even understand.
She's jealous. I know she is and that's why she doesn't want me around this other woman. Or even talking to her. But, we're over now, me and this other woman. What we once had is gone. Or is it? Of course I still love her. She was my first love. For six years she was the only thing in the world to me. You can't just forget something that special to you. In my life, she's the only real person I know…or did know.
Six months. Six months I have not talked to this other woman. Why? Because I'm a chicken, and can't tell her that what she's asking me to do is wrong. I know I'm hurting this other woman. I know I'm hurting the one person I truly care about. But, she hurt me too, ya know. When she told me that it was "just too hard", and that she "just couldn't take the pain" of being away from me. The strongest person I knew had become the weakest person I knew in an instant. I couldn't even look at her. With just those words I said she had given up on everything. On what we had. On love.
I wish I could just tell her one more time that no matter what- she was my first and only love. That she's irreplaceable. That no matter what I'm here for her. But, I'm not "allowed" to. That would make the girlfriend upset and that's who I have to worry about pleasing now. Not her. She gave up that privilege when she gave up on love. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm giving up on love, too.
SEND FEEDBACK TO Larmie749@aol.com!!!!