~You know you're a stoner when you stare at the t.v then realize it's not on.
~You know you're a stoner when you name your pipes/bongs.
~You know you're a stoner when you have a Gatorade bottle, tinfoil, a highliter, chewed gum and a big bottle cap, and make a bong that you call "el monstro."
~You know you're a stoner when you clam bake with your dog and you both drool over a Burger King commercial.
~You know you are a stoner if you watch Martha Stewart for days hoping she will show you how to make a bong out of an empty toilet paper roll.
~You know you're a stoner if you buy "KEMPS" ice cream just cause the name sounds like "HEMP". You also know you're a stoner if there really is "HEMP" in your "KEMPS".
~You might be a stoner if you've ever tried to talk the school nurse into giving you sexual favors.
~You might be stoner if you're vision is so blurred you have to watch the tv in the middle.
~You might be a stoner if breakfast consists of Fruity Pebbles with beer poured on top because you thought you needed beer worse then milk.
~You might be a stoner if in general conversation the word "weed", "pot" or "stone" gets your attention.
~You might be a stoner if you think pot will ever be legalized.
Q. What do you call money that grows on trees?
A. Weed!
Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. That's why they got a lighter.
Q. How many stoners COULD it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. We don't know yet, we keep falling off the chair!
Q. How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Who cares, dude? It was too bright anyway, now pass the bong.
Q. Why did the stoner cross the road?
A. Who else would follow a chicken?
Why did the stoned stoner yell "OUCH"?
Because he put a lit bowl in his pocket!
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other one and says, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Damn! A talking muffin!"
Have you heard of the latest high where you mix Viagra and Marijuana?
JACKPOT!!!
Conversation:
Stoner #1: Ask me if I'm a duck.
Stoner #2: Are you a duck?
Stoner #1: No
A group of stoners walk into a bar. One of the guys tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The guys lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and again they toast to 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender said, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting to 51 days?"
One of the stoners explained, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that had written on the box 2-4 years and we finished it in 51 days".
A cop pulls over a car full of stoners. The cop goes up to the car and the driver rolls down the window and the cop said '"Congratulations! You have won two thousand dollars for wearing your seat belt!" The driver says, "Oh, I thought you pulled me over for not having a license!" Then the driver's girlfriend says, "Don't mind him, he's always paranoid when he's stoned." Then a friend in the back seat says, "I thought you pulled us over for this pound of weed over here!" Then another friend from the back says, "I thought you pulled us for this stolen car!" Then the cop hears someone in the trunk say, "Are we over the border yet man?"
Measures have always been taken so as not to exclude people, such as directions in every language, etc. But no one takes us stoners into consideration! So I propose putting directions in pothead lingo too.
On a box of macaroni and cheese....
1. Boil water
2. Put macaroni in water
3. Forget about macaroni while you smoke another bowl
4. Remember macaroni and frantically pour cheese all over stove
5. Forget mac and cheese again because you had to make a pot run
6. Put mac and cheese down garbage disposal because it is crusty and cold
7. Look for something else to eat to satisfy those munchies
8. Make mac and cheese
