Chapter 95

Alaska-John and Jane's house

Keesha watched quietly as John fussed over Jocelyn Jocelyn gurgled and John laughed, pushing back a lock of her curly dirty blonde hair. Jane walked over to Keesha and sat down, handing her a cup of coffee.

"She looks like you. She's so adorable."

"Thank you. She's a blessing...a loud crying one sometimes..." Keesha laughed. "But I feel very blessed."

"Jerry cried a lot. Jax, on the other hand was rather quiet. I wish Jerry could have come with Bobbie and Lucas. Jax will be here tonight?"

"Yes, he's bringing Laurence this evening. He's supposed to page me when he lands. They went to New York to visit Deidre's...to visit Deidre." Jane bowed her head, nodding. "Poor girl."

"I thought about but Jax wanted to take Laurence himself. It's probably best."

Jax walked through the cemetary, carrying Laurence in his arms. This was the first time Laurence had been there...Jax had been dreading taking him. Even though Laurence was too young to understand the exact meaning of the place...Jax knew that one day he would have to explain in depth what happened to Deidre to their son.

And he knew this was the first in a long line of steps that would take many years to finish. But hearing Laurence calling Keesha ma...Jax knew it was time. Laurence wouldn't understand much if anything, but...Jax felt Deidre deserved to have him try.

"Here we go..."

Laurence looked away from Jax and glanced behind him.

"Place it here." Jax stood Laurence on the ground and watched as Laurence slowly bent, dropping the single rose on Deidre's grave. "Yea?" Laurence smiled.

"Very good." Jax whispered. "Laurence...this is...this woman is very important...and she's up there...watching over you all the time." Laurence looked up as Jax pointed. "She's your mum."

Laurence looked around as Jax mentioned the word mum...he didn't see Keesha and looked back at Jax, confusion on his face.

"She's your other mum. You are lucky enough to have two." Laurence glanced around for Keesha again and then reached up for Jax.

Jax picked him up once more. He started back to the car, sighing in sadness as Brenda filled his thoughts.

"Hi!" Keesha smiled placing a kiss on Laurence's cheek. "Hi!" Laurence grinned.

Jax gave her lips a small peck. "I left Jocelyn with your parents...I doubt they would have let her go anyway," she laughed.

Jax gave Keesha a weary smile, but said nothing. He started ahead and Keesha watched him for a second before joining.

It was worse than she thought.

"All secure?"

"Yes." Laurence smiled from his car seat, clapping his little hands. Keesha gave him another kiss and closed the door.

"Ready?" she looked at Jax, handing him the car keys.

"Yes..." Jax answered, staring at her. After a moment, Jax opened his arms and Keesha hugged him. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, tightening his hold. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Jax mumbled something she didn't understand, as he rubbed her back slowly.

He hated cemetaries.

He hated anything that reminded him of death-he had lost too much in his life. That's why he didn't visit Brenda's grave nearly as much as he felt he should - though every day a new bouquet of her favorite flowers were placed. He couldn't stand to visit Brenda, knowing that all he would see was her name in golden lettering on a headstone. Jax let Keesha go, walking over to the driver's side of the car.

At least he didn't have nightmares anymore. Talking to Gail helped with those. Yet, death, and lately Brenda's death in general, was on his mind a lot. Jax looked in the rear view mirror as Keesha reached back, handing Laurence a cup of juice. And he realized perhaps there was another reason Brenda had been on his mind so much. Gail would call it survivor's guilt. Jax's life had continued...he had been blessed to have a life with Keesha, Laurence, and now Jocelyn...yet, it was a life that he had planned to one day have with Brenda. And though Brenda would have wanted him to be happy...and though he could not imagine his life without Keesha and the children...Jax could not help but sometimes wonder if he truely deserved all he had been blessed with.

Keesha sat, reading Jax's laptop, looking through her email-hoping she had received the classes she signed up for. She glanced down, wondering, now that Jax was here, who could possibly be paging her. She walked over to the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello..."

Jax yawned, but didn't really awaken. Though faintly he could hear Keesha's words. "...yes...yes...now?...no, I can't...right...fine." Keesha hung up.

"Jax?"

"Hmmm."

"I have some things to take care of...I need to go."

Jax opened his eyes. "Where?"

"Paris, actually." Keesha hoped he didn't ask any more questions.

"Lucky you." Jax smiled, yawning again. He wondered what could be in Paris that was calling Keesha away from their vacation. Yet he wondered to himself. "Just let me get dressed..."

"No...I can take a cab. I love you." Keesha leaned over, kissing Jax gently.

"I love you....I'll get her..." Jax sat up in the bed as in the room, Jocelyn stirred in her crib.

"Okay..." She looked back at Jax, watching as he went into the bathroom with Jocelyn.

Keesha picked up the phone again and dialed. "Stefan? It's Keesha." she whispered.

"Where's Keesha?"

"In Paris. She left last night." Jax sat down, immediately reaching for some pancakes.

"What's in Paris?" John asked.

"I don't know."

"You don't know."

"No. She didn't tell me...why are you looking at me like that?"

But Jax knew. The last time Keesha went somewhere and didn't tell him-the next time they saw each other, she was lying unconcious in a hospital bed. "Hi..."

Jax's eyes grew as Keesha walked into the kitchen.

"I took your key." She handed Jax the house key again. "Good...I didn't miss breakfast." She sat down, kissing Jax on the cheek.

"I thought you were going to Paris," Jax asked, completely confused.

"Turns out I didn't have to go," she smiled. "Everything is taken care of."

Jax opened the door to his old room and Keesha walked in. "Stefan took care of it." she answered before he had the chance to ask.

"Took care of what?" Jax closed the door.

"Carly called me last night-wanting me to find Jason..."

"But why would she call you."

"Because I owe Jason a favor."

Jax's eyes clouded. Keesha had told him long ago about the conversation she had with Jason-but Jax never thought Jason would actually ask for it. He had never thought of Carly.

"I owed Jason and Carly wanted me to repay the favor via her...but it's all a moot point because Stefan is handling it."

"You've become rather involved with Stefan," Jax noted, obviously unhappy.

"Stefan is your ally."

"Stefan is my ally sometimes. I don't trust him, and neither should you."

Keesha sighed. "You know what I like about Stefan? I don't care that much about him. We have some of the same...thoughts surrounding certain people-like Jason for instance. He's powerful. And using him allows me to not worry about when you who I do care about, will get involved in something that could be dangerous. Let Stefan do the dangerous work."

"And you? He uses you as well."

"Stefan has never asked me to do anything risky."

"Yet, Keesha. He has not asked you to do anything risky yet. But allying yourself with that man in personal affairs is asking for trouble...if not from him, than from Helena or Luke Spencer."

"You worry too much." Keesha replied, reclining on the bed.

"Perhaps you don't worry enough," Jax finished, leaving the bedroom.

(Reminder: Brenda is dead in my story and she's not coming back. However, of course, it doesn't mean and would be rather lame of me - LOL - and not true to Jax's character IMO if he never thought of her-especially in certain situations)