Chapter 85
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Keesha dropped her bag on the floor, looking at Jax as he put on his robe.
"I do trust you..."
"You just want me to be *sure*." He sat down on the bed.
"Yes."
"I *am* sure. I know I can't make you beleive that, no matter how hard I
try, that's something you have to beleive on your own. But Keesha, I
don't want to have to make you try to beleive me when I say I have made
the best decision, for me, and Laurence. No, I didn't think about very
long, if it all to be honest. But I trust my instincts, and I thought you
trusted them too."
"I do." Keesha repeated, sitting on the bed.
"Then why all this talk about waiting?"
Keesha looked over at Jax, not answering. He continued.
"Remember when I first expressed to you that I had feelings for you, and
you doubted what you felt for me, and I told you that when you were ready,
you could come to me? I understand that maybe you had to learn to trust
yourself, and I understand that, because I didn't tell you about
the...child that we lost, that maybe there are things that you can't yet
trust me with. But when it comes to how I feel about you I have never,
ever once lied. Once I realized how I felt, I always was completely
honest, and it hurts that you aren't trusting of the fact that I am being
honest now. I say I've made up my mind, and I have, I don't need time or
space or any of that to be sure of where I am meant to be..."
"Jax, you say that you trust your instincts, and that you are so
sure...then why do you act like you need to walk on eggshells around
me...like I'm going to just break whenever I see you bonding with
Laurence..."
"Because..." Jax stood. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"But how can your happiness hurt me? If you think that, how can you
question when I wonder just what you want to do....I *know* you...and when
you think that it comes down between your happiness and the happiness of
those you love, you choose to do what you feel is best for the
other...every single time."
"But if seeing me with Laurence doesn't bother you on some level, why are
you always disappearing on me?...because you say we need *space*. So how
can I not think that on some level you might be hurting. Keesha, we lost
our child, and you just found that out before we turn around and I
discover that I have one-that *has* to bother you on some level."
"I'm too thrilled for you to hurt." she stated simply and honestly.
Jax came back over to the bed. "Look at me. Because I will only say this
one more time; it's not fair of you to ask me to repeat it...it will
devastate me if I have to say it again."
Keesha looked up from the floor, staring into Jax's eyes.
"I want to be here with you. I want you to be with me as Deidre and I
raise Laurence. I want you to raise him with me. I don't need to think
about this any further, I never needed to think about it at all. Now..."
Jax bent slightly, searching Keesha's eyes to make sure she was actually
hearing him. "...if I had to do some things over, I surely would have. I
would have told you about Laurence right away, and I would be more
insistent that you needed to be a part of our bonding from the
get-go....in other words I would have been as stubborn as you, and not let
you have your way and spend so much time away..." he smiled softly as her
eyes laughed. "...and that is my final decision and statement on this
matter. So if you leave, you leave knowing exactly how I feel. And..."
his voice broke as he realized what needed to be said. "...if you leave,
I can't promise that I will just wait for you to be sure you trust me and
then come back. Because I shouldn't have to wait for you to be sure when
I express my feelings to you."
Keesha sighed deeply. After a moment, she leaned up cautiously, giving
Jax a tender kiss...
Jax pulled away reluctantly, looking towards the door as he heard the
doorbell. He stood straight, glancing at Keesha one more time before
running down the stairs.
"Dad!" he grinned as he opened the door. "I thought you were coming on
Sunday...where's Lady Jane?"
"She doesn't want to be here for this conversation." John stepped back
onto the porch, waiting. Jax looked at his father oddly before leaving
the house, pulling on the door.
"Have you decided what you're going to do?"
"About?"
"Your marriage."
Jax cut his eyes. "Sorry, but I've just had that conversation for the
final time."
"You're ending it? I know it's hard but it's the right..."
"I'm not ending anything. I am very happy with the way my life is right
now, and it's staying this way."
"But what about Laurence and...Deidre."
"What about them."
"Jax you have a responsibility..."
"Did you not hear me when I said I had..."
Keesha looked over and noticed the door wasn't closed completely. She
walked over. "...that conversation for the last time." Jax's voice
reached her ears.
"Family is family."
"Now I see why Mum didn't come." Jax muttered.
"Jax, sometimes sacrifice is necessary for the good of the family."
"In case you haven't noticed, it is perfectly acceptable and do-able for
people to raise healthy children in seperate households. Deidre and I get
along well, and there will be no problems with us raising Laurence.
However if we even tried to make our relationship more than what it was,
which would never happen especially since I love Keesha with everything I
have, you can be sure that Deidre and I would not get along as well, and
in the end Laurence would suffer from it..." Jax quit speaking as his
father sighed. "Now what?"
"I didn't want to tell you this. Not even Jerry knows...and he can't
know."
"Tell me what?"
"Your mother and I....we got married because she was pregnant with Jerry."
Jax froze, his mouth gaping open slightly. "What?"
Keesha blinked, closing the door completely.
Jax looked back as he heard a click. He looked at his father once more.
"What about all that talk of romance, and courting..."
"It all happened. It was cut short though when she got pregnant with
Jerry.
Jax shook his head. "No matter..."
"It does matter, because we were also seeing other people at the time.
And I was in love with the other woman..."
"You loved two women? Or you didn't love Mum at first sight like you
swore..."
"I loved your mother, and I grew to fall in love with her as time wore
on...."
"Why are you telling me this..."
"Because it is possible to have a glorious family, with children you adore
and a spouse who means more to you than anyone in the world, even if the
wife is not the one you orginally thought you should have."
Jax nodded. "That's all well and good. But I'm not you and I don't
choose the same path you do, and I'm not discussing it again."
John sighed. "Think about what I said..." he finished, leaving the porch.
Jax watched, already knowing that the discussion wasn't closed. John had
a thought in his head regarding what Jax should do, and he wouldn't drop
it easily.
Keesha looked up as Jax walked into the house. Alone. "How much did you
hear?"
"More than I should have. I didn't know where that conversation was
going..." Keesha stood. "But I shouldn't have been listening to begin
with, I don't know what came over me."
"I've done it...it's no big deal. Except for Jerry cannot know."
"Of course." Keesha watched as Jax came near her, looking into her eyes.
"I know what your thinking." she noted.
"What?"
"You're thinking that now I'm going to ask you once again if you are sure
about staying with me. And I'm not going to ask that. If you've changed
your mind though..." she smiled. "Then you should tell me now."
"No change." he returned her grin.
"Okay then...I'm going to order dinner. I am starving..."
"Keesha...my father won't drop this." he warned.
"Maybe. But guess what?"
"What?"
"No matter what he says or does, I'm not going anywhere. "
Shani
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