Chapter 77
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"You're going to be angry with me..."
"I doubt that..." Keesha stopped speaking as Jax placed his finger on her
lips.
"I need you to please hear me through, and just stay here..." he lowered
his hand and wrapped his arms tightly around her. "...until I am
finished. Promise me."
"Okay..."
"I need you to..."
"I promise."
Jax sighed, breaking eye contact with her. "I love you." he stated. "You
mean absolutely everything to me...the biggest fear that I have is losing
you..."
Keesha took a breath, wanting to say something, but she didn't.
"And that could have happened." Jax continued. "It came too close to
happening...but it didn't. And now, all I want, is for you to be
happy...because seeing you happy, fills my heart with such joy. And I
promised myself you would never hurt again. Not if I could help it....so
when I.." he sighed deeply. "I found out something, I decided you
shouldn't be told. Because I knew that it...I didn't want you to hurt.
But it wasn't my place to keep this from you, because you have every right
to know. But I did exactly the same thing that I was so angry with you
for." Jax finally looked at Keesha. "And I hope that you'll...I need you
to know that no matter what you feel, that I am here...if you need me." he
took a breath, praying that she would need him. "Okay...when you were
held...during that time..."
"Oh God no..." the color left her face as her blood chilled. "I
didn't..." That pain that she kept having, that pain she kept pushing
away to the back of her mind..."I don't want to hear anymore." she tried
to get up.
"Keesha..."
"I said I don't want to hear anymore!" she tore away from him and got up.
Jax stood. "Keesha...please."
Keesha took a breath, turning and facing Jax again. "I understand and you
don't have to say anything else, alright?" she whispered. "You should
have told me sooner. Why didn't my doctor tell me? Did Monica know?"
"I should have told you." was all Jax would say. "Where are you going?"
Jax asked quietly as Keesha picked up her dress from the couch, slipping
it on underneath the robe.
"To process things."
"Can't you do that here?" Jax forced his voice to remain strong.
"No." she finished dressing.
"Keesha...I know that you're angry, but I really think..."
"I need to think by myself right now. I'm not angry, not at you anyway.
I just want to have some time to myself...." her voice trailed and she
took a breath. "Let's make a deal. No more secrets. Of any kind, for
whatever reason."
Jax didn't answer, he just continued to stare at Keesha, his desire to
reach for her and pull her in growing by the second.
"Because sometimes, though I know how strong you are, I just want things
to be easier for you, and so I don't give you the chance to deal with
things yourself. Which isn't fair to you, and like I said before, it
won't happen again. And I need for you to do the same for me...because I
can handle things you know..." Keesha finished, taking another breath so
her eyes wouldn't tear. "I'll see you at home, okay." she headed toward
the door.
Jax walked over, taking his jacket from the back of the chair. "It's cold
outside." he said softly.
Keesha closed her eyes as Jax enclosed her in his coat. She wrapped it
around her body, her eyes opening as he reached over her, opening the
door. "If you're gone too long, I will worry." he reminded her.
Keesha nodded and walked out the door.
Jax shut the door, pushing up against it. He reached back, about ready to
punch the door and froze, taking a breath as tears started to fall.
Miranda's eyes lit up as Jerry walked into the restaurant. She cleared
her throat, turning her attention back to Nikolas. "Aren't you going to
say *hi*?" he asked.
"No, of course not. But please excuse me, I need to powder my nose."
Nikolas stood as she did. He waited until she disappeared and then sat
back down, glancing over at Jerry.
Jerry turned away from the bartender, catching Nikolas' stare. He raised
his glass and drank from it.
Poor kid. Stupid. Already caught in Miranda's web. How he could trust
her after everything Keesha told him was beyond him.
Jerry's eyes followed Miranda back to the table.
Then again, it wasn't beyond Jerry's grasp of knowledge at all, he sighed,
finishing his drink and leaving.
Miranda smiled. Obviously she still had an effect on Jerry. Perhaps she
would go and say *hi* as Nikolas suggested.
One day.
Jax buryied his face in his hands as he curled up on the couch, ignoring
the knock on the door. He ran his fingers through his hair and rested his
head against his knees.
"Good thing for me you left the key in the pocket."
Jax looked over as Keesha came closer. She knelt on the floor next to
him, wiping away his tears as her own fell.
"You know what I found...that this coat is a really poor substitute of a
hug from you."
Jax laughed slightly, closing his eyes as they continued to water.
"And I found...that though I could probably process this alone...that I
don't want to. And you...you shouldn't have to." her voice broke and Jax
looked at her. "And I found that I lied, because I *am* angry with
you...because you kept all of this inside, and tried to handle everything
all by yourself-and you didn't even give me the chance to help..." Jax
reached over, stroking her cheeks. He placed his legs on the floor,
bending and lifting Keesha onto his lap. "...why did you do that?" she
shook her head.
"I'm sorry..." he held her close, burying his face against her neck.
"Why..." she whispered as she tightened her grip on him, resting her face
against his shoulder.
"I don't know..." Jax answered the question Keesha wanted the answer to,
but wouldn't bring herself to ask. He took in a deep breath, wondering
how his heart could fill with so much love and break at the very same
time.
Keesha closed her eyes, comforting herself in the feeling of being held by
Jax, realizing that maybe...
Jax stroked her back slowly.
Realizing that she *was* actually helping, the same way he was helping her.
Just by being there.
Knowing that neither of them were going through this alone.
Shani
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