The
Dead Parrot in the Pet Shop
A Monty Python Skit
A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register
a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: (pause) I'm sorry, I have
a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad.
I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half
an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong
with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead
parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's,
he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay?
Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into
it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's
resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin',
I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the
cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly
Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner
hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you
hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the
cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing!
Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage
and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet
to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a
dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him,
just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look,
mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is
definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured
me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged
out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably
pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?
What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat
on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers
keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely
plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty
of examining that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered
the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place
was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed
there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled
up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this
bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it!
'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's
passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's
expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests
in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the
daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain
and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace
it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind
the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've
had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out
of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get
the picture.
O: (pause) I got a slug.
(pause)
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY
REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Well! I never wanted
to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...
A LUMBERJACK
!
