-The Secrets of the Universe

"Okay, guys, lets think this thing over logically," Joel began.

"You’d better let someone else take over the conversation, then," Girdy quipped. Joel looked around at the group he was addressing (or trying to address), and revised, "At least let’s attempt to THINK about this."

Micah turned off his playstation and turned to Joel. Girdwood put down his magazine and gave Joel his undivided attention. Wesley turned from where he was working on his computer to listen. For a moment the entire room gave Joel their full and undivided attention. Joel was shocked and bewildered. This had never happened before. He began to feel very uncomfortable, and started wishing that they were ignoring him again, but having started a thought, he was obligated to finish it.

"Okay, we are trapped aboard an alien ship, right?"

"Is this going to be a series of obvious statements, or is there something important you have to say?" asked Micah.

"Okay, look, I’ll get to the point. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: let’s get off! Whatever this ‘Sins of Humanity’ junk is, it can’t be good. Let’s just find an escape pod and leave."

"Good idea, Joel." Micah said.

"It is?" Joel asked.

"I’m all for it," Dave chimed in.

"You are?" Joel asked.

"Personally I don’t like it," Wes stated.

"You don’t?" Joel asked.

"Well, that settles it, then, let’s get going," Girdwood said.

The group traveled down the hall resolutely, pausing only to allow a stampede of seniors looting hamburgers go by. Joel actually seemed to know something about the winding corridors of the ship -almost as if he had been there before- and shortly the five found themselves at the shuttle bay.

"Alright, who’s driving?" asked Dave.

"Hmm… it looks like an automatic," commented Wes.

"That leaves Joel out," Micah smiled.

"Let’s get it started, first," Mike said, "Look, it takes a key in the ignition."

The crew emptied their pockets, trying every key among them. At last Wes’s car key slid into the ignition, and it purred to life.

"That’s it, I’m driving!" Wes stated gleefully. Never missing an opportunity to argue, Girdy vehemently protested.

"You’re bad enough at driving a car, Wes, if you think I’m going to let you drive a space-ship, then you’ve got another thing coming!"

"Fine, then I’ll just take my car keys and head back to the room," Wes stated smugly.

"No you won’t," Girdwood countered smugly.

"Yes I wi… hey, wait a second, you’re not getting me into THAT again," Wes frowned.

"Drat!" Girdy muttered.

Two minutes later they all sat pensively in the cockpit as Wes piloted the ship out of the bay. When the maneuver was complete, Wes leaned back and grinned.

"Piece of cake," he said, very full of himself.

"Yeah, you did well," complimented Girdy, "I mean, other than the fact that you started out in reverse, backing into the hull, then ricocheted off the magnetic shielding, destroyed half the compartment with fuel backwash, and set off every alarm in the mothership, I would say it was a flawless bit of piloting."

Wes mistakenly took this as a compliment and felt very good about himself.

"The question is, where do we go from here?" asked Micah. Dave and Joel were pouring over the star charts in back, and making comments like: "No, no, LEFT at Anteries," and, "I say we just take the wormhole to Orion and then hang to Polaris straight home," and also, "You know, I just realized, I have no interest in living any longer."

Wes, meanwhile, had other ideas. He subtly reached across the cockpit to press the homing beacon, to allow the mother ship to track and recapture them. He smiled to himself. This would please the Matson. Unfortunately the button was out of his reach, and he had to ask Dave to get it.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Dave said, absentmindedly reaching up from the charts and pushing it.

The small spacecraft had only flown a couple of AU when Micah noticed that they were being followed.

"Space pirates," Joel said grimly, as he viewed their pursuer.

"How do you know?" asked Wes, who was hoping it was the mother ship.

"My keen sense of deduction, and my brilliant observation skills, mostly," Joel said modestly.

"...And there is also a neon skull and crossbones painted on the front of the ship," Girdy finished for him.

"They’re firing at us!" Wes shouted.

"Well fire BACK!" Micah shouted.

"With WHAT!" Wes shouted.

"ANYTHING!" Girdy shouted.

"I LOVE AMY!" Dave yelled, feeling left out of the shouting.

"Yeah? Well I LIKE FISH!" Girdwood shouted.

"THEY AREN’T FIRING AT US ANYMORE!" Micah shouted.

"THEN WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?" Girdy shouted. Resolved not to continue the deafening trend, Micah replied, "I don’t know."

"Why did they stop firing on us?" asked Dave.

"Because I hit the cloaking device," replied Joel.

"Oh," said Dave.

The group sat silent for a moment. Then someone got the bright idea to ask: "What do we do now?"

"Well," said Joel, "In a few minutes, they will have isolated our ion signature, and then they will continue firing on us until they damage our main drive. Then they will board our ship, steal any technology that appeals to them, and either kill us or sell us into slavery."

"Oh," said the others.

"Do you understand?" asked Joel.

"Yes we do," they replied.

"Okay, just making sure," said Joel.

They all sat around smiling at each other for a moment or two, and then burst into a state of total and uncontrolled panic.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!" explained Girdwood.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMY!!!!" declared Dave.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, mother of our Lord…" chanted Wes.

Micah took Joel aside and questioned him.

"Now, is there any way we can come through this situation alive, and without being enslaved?"

"Oh, yeah, sure there is," Joel said cheerily.

"You wouldn’t mind telling us about it, would you?" Micah asked.

"Sure, why not," Joel smiled.

"Awfully decent of you, really," Micah said.

"But I don’t think these guys are going to listen," Joel said with concern.

"Well then just tell me, how about?" Micah suggested.

"Okay, it’s like this. We are presently cloaked, and therefore undetectable. Now on the bottom side of the Pirate ship is an emergency docking port, with a universally compatible docking rig. We can leave this ship is space-suites, and enter by way of the emergency port. Once onboard, we can mingle, and eventually steal one of their stealth fighting units. We will escape unnoticed, because they will be sending their fighting units out after us anyway."

When Joel was finished speaking, he was surprised to notice that everyone had been listening…again. Joel did not, of course, realize that this improbable event was due to the fact that they were presently aboard the two hundred thirty first-escape pod.