[Hick crouching, digging for worms. Alien jump from stage right offstage ladder. Hick looks up when alien hits ground.]

hick- Whut in tarnation?!?

[Alien gets up, brushes self off, looks around, and looks confused.]

alien- Duuude, like, take me to your leader, man.

hick- [eyes alien suspiciously] You sellin' insurance?

alien- Whut? No, like, I'm here to explore the great unknooown, like new horizons an' go home with foreign experience, and like, a [wow voice] sense of enlightenment.

hick- OooooOOOOooh, I do know what you mean! Like, last time I went to latrine...

alien- I think I've visited that planet.

Narrator: As was said before, Guano came from an advanced and highly intellectual race. Unfortunately, she prided herself on her non- conformity.

hick- ...an' I saw this rock, an' I swear it moved!

alien- Why wouldn't it?

hick- [annoyed] Well rocks ain't supposed to move! But anyway, it hopped right into the latrine hole with this weird little *plop*, and don't you know, I ain't never been the same since.

alien- [smiling & standing stupidly] Cool. So what are those dried weeds yer carrying?

hick- [hides weeds behind back] WHAT WEEDS!!!

Narrator: The natives of the area considered their, um, spiritual rituals very personal affairs.

alien- Those weeds you just hid behind yer back, [smiles] heeeyyy...

hick- [stuffs weeds into pants while saying:] I don't know *what* you be talkin' ‘bout. You just pop up in my woods outa nowhere, an' start accusin' me a' burnin' dried plants an' eatin' poisonous mushrooms!

alien- What's a mushroom?

[Hick holds up a zucchini.]

Narrator: Cowfoot was not of an advanced *or* intellectual race.

alien- AAAHH! EVIL THING! Nyoohhh! [run offstage right]

[Hick walks offstage in opposite direction (left).]

[dogs/wolves barking/howling]

Narrator: Cowfoot was then attacked by rabid dogs.

hick- [offstage] Aw, CRUD! [screams]

alien- [pokes head from offstage] *Hm.* [keeps walking]

hick- [runs onstage breathless] I HAVE RABIES!!! [starts dancing can- can] Ha-vaaa nagila, ha-vaaa nagila... [reduces to humming as narrator speaks]

Narrator: Sadly, Guano never got to explore the great unknown.

alien- Ooo, a hole! Ahh! Help.... help

Narrator: ...unless you consider the inside of a latrine the unknown.

[hick dances offstage, right]

Narrator: And Cowfoot did not get to explore the great unknown, either.

hick- Aw!

Narrator: She had already seen the inside of a latrine.

alien- Dude, man, we're like trapped in a hole. [pause] You got those weeds still?

hick- Now I know last time I was here, I dropped somethin'.

alien- Dude, you're like rising; are we being beamed up to the mother ship?

[hick appears onstage carrying ladder, followed by alien]

hick- [sets down ladder] My ma said I was stupid to carry a ladder in my back pocket because it would fall into the latrine, but she don't know nothin'!

alien- Man, it smelled bad in there.

[turn toward each other and smile and talk and laugh, and walk offstage arm in arm.]

Narrator: And so ends the story of how Guano the alien and Cowfoot the hick met and became lifelong friends. Guano decided to live on Earth for the rest of her life. She was too stupid to find her way back. [picks up ladder and exit stage]