How to give your cat a pill
1) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth, allow cat to
close
mouth and swallow.
2) Put band aid on right thumb. Retrieve pill
from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3) Put band aid on left thumb. Retrieve cat from
bedroom and throw
soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe.
Call
spouse in from the garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front
and
rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold cat's
head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep
shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head
just
visible from below arm pit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force
cat's
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink glass
of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and
remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck leaving the
head showing. Force
cat's
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic
band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on
hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical
records for last
tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from
tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid
cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paw to rear paws with garden
twine and bind
tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed.
Force
cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill
into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically
and pour half pint
of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm, chest and
face and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop
on way home to order
a new
table.
15) Arrange for Cat Rescue to collect cat and
ring local pet shop to
see
if they have any hamsters.
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