The hard thing to do is to wake up from a beautiful dream but the harder thing is to have that dream linger inside of you. Love is like a beautiful dream but then you have to wake up from it. In dreams I held that love long enough to be taken into its power to lose control of my heart and mind. Long enough not to realise that I have awaken from its spell.

In that moment of dream, she was everything. The little thing you do in life seems to revolve around her. The moment you go to bed she's on your mind again, hoping that she appears before you. The moment you woke up only to see yourself smiling with the dream she gave you last night. The strange thing, she even appears in your conversations with your friends.

But sometimes you find yourself awaken from your dream too soon. The dream is still there in your head but there is no ending. Maybe out of curiosity, we kept it on mind because we strive to find the conclusion to it. I woke up from my long dream too soon only to find no way to deal with reality.

In reality, dreams are shattered without any cause. One can only lie to himself and make believe he's still dreaming. My truth is harder to swallow than the bitterness of liquor on my tongue. One can only find all means of escaping from life one way or another and I found it in my bottle and the smoke that infiltrated my head and lungs.

When you love her too much, life is meaningless without her. Your food taste salty and water seems like wine because you only wish you were drown in it instead of water to wake you up even more. You grow tired and your eyes still wandering about still in disbelieve the dream is gone. The night seems to drag on and with the break of dawn, night still rested within it, and your day became your night as well.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to face her. It's like I want to keep on running forever. They said the strong would face their troubles and the weak run away from it. To overcome a heartbreak, you must be strong. Maybe that's why I still live in the past with her. Still hoping one day she will come back and say how wrong she was. Still hoping that I can still dream the same dream. But on the surface of my skin, I have tried so hard to block her out. I tried to block out the memories and murmur her out of my sight. If she does come back, I will not take her back. But deep inside, I know my heart will give in to her.

Running away from her is not all that easy. Simple things in life can trigger your mind and there she is before you again. My love became my anger and how dirty I felt about myself. If you compare anger and love together, I'm sure you will be amazed how small love is. Love is so powerful that it makes a mighty warrior into a mouse but if love is so powerful, why anger conquered all?

Today I wish to stop running. Tired of all the tears I shed and feeling sorry for myself. Tired of always wanting to be with someone so I don't feel so cold by myself. Tired of wanting someone there for comfort. Tired of remembering the past and questioning myself did she felt the same way. Tired of believing in dreams and chasing it. Today I let all dogs lie and bygone be bygone. Love me or love me not, I'm free at last, free at last.
 
 

© April 2000