The biggest fear of my life is loneliness. Loneliness to me are memories of the past, my father, deaths, the girls that i once loved, the musics of 12 midnight till the sun rise, the absence of the girl i love right now, the fear of sitting in my room by myself, and mostly, the absence of love.
I could sit here and howl to the moon but i don't think my neighbours would like that. I could turn up my music real high so i be lost in the sounds of it but i don't think my brothers would like that. I could just sit here and cry but i did that yesterday, and the day before. I could cut my wrists and hope for the angels to come and take me away, but i think i will go to hell instead. I could hang myself by my door but i can't leave the one i love behind. I could sit up 6 in the morning and type out my feelings just like i'm doing now, what else can i do? I could just sleep and hope never to wake up but my bed is burning from my tossing and turning before. What can a person do but just sit and lost in his computer screen.
I just read my memory book i made before i left high school and you know what? i did have a great high school life. I love it when the girls start flirting with me in the book, it made me laugh and feel wanted. But you know what? I cried after i read it but why? I missed my past and the girls i once fallen in love with in high school. And especially the ones that once loved me. Is this loneliness?
I'm sitting here thinking about my father and how i missed him. It's been almost 13 years since he died, i was only 9 at the time but the beaten flesh of his memories still linger. Sometime i'm glad he is dead but you know why? Not because he is a brute and a drunk like some fathers but because i wouldn't be me if he was around. What he would have created out of me is this timid little boy who is so afraid of his father that he will listen and do anything his father wants. He would be still studying in school for his master degree or work somewhere in high society. Instead this little boy grew up without his father and learn life a different way. He learnt it from the naughty magazines his father left behind, he learnt it from the absence of his father's guidance of "Don't you ever dare smoke, take drugs or drink!" and got himself a bottle, a cigarette in his mouth and smoking pots when he's not happy and a dirty magazine in his hand which his father told him not to look at or he will go blind. He didn't learn much from the dirty magazines but just excitement, and the opposite sex but still living live a virgin. He learnt about happiness in his bottle and not to be afraid of people around him because they are all the same. He learnt how to release stress from the smoke in his hand. He learnt the quick 10 minutes of escaping reality and it's pain from the pot of clouds. But he misses his father. Is this loneliness?
All things must come to an end, i wonder why? The longer i live the more death i see. I sit here watching as each one moved on, i shed so many tears and cried so many silence cries. I watch the people i loved passes on and i hear screams in my head over and over again. I once had dreams about waking up with these people. I see their smile and their laughters of yesterday. I'm married to them, we are one. But the screams in my head keep on screaming. Is this loneliness?
The music is playing so silently in the background, wondering what it's playing because i'm so lost in what i'm doing now. It's playing Madonna's Cherish, a happier tune than the music i was listening to before. "Hello darkness my old friend, i have come to talk with you again.....", oh yes, Simon and Garfunkal's Sound Of Silence. What a beautiful piece that is, what enchanting sound to make you cry. Am i so lonely that i have to stay up all night listening to the melodies of love? Is this loneliness?
My room look brighter than what i think and see it is. Filled with books and papers laying all around, only a walk space of 3 metres by 1. All occupied by my computer desk, a bed, my study desk, a drawer, my closet and a little book shelf. What a small room this is, how could a human being live and sleep in here? One side of the wall is decorated with posters of beautiful girls, models and actresses. And the other, all bare with an orangy look with the light shone on it. The room is so warm yet so cold. The room is so full yet so bare. Everyone is asleep, my brother should be awake soon to go to work. I'm sitting here in my room by myself, so afraid but what am i afraid of? Is this loneliness?
I'm in love, i think i'm in love. But am i in love when there is nothing around me to love? The girl i love is somewhere overseas, don't know what she is doing right now and wondering what she is doing right now. The absence of love is indescribable, you know you are in love but the love is not there. You feel it in you but it's empty. Is this loneliness?
I needed her beside me, i needed her warmth, i needed to be love. I want to wake up with her beside me and taste her lips on mine. I want to hold her in my arms or just melt in hers. I want her to touch me and feel me. I want to hear her voice talking to me, telling me how much she loved me, whispering in my ears the words of love so i know i'm wanted. I want to cry on her shoulder and tell her how lonely i'm. I want her comfort and hugs and kisses to tell me that i'm not alone. Is this lonely?
If these ain't loneliness, then tell me what it is?
