Confessions of a Lifelong Mis-Shape
I once stated on the Pulp mailing list, Lipgloss, how I thought that the entire point of Pulp was for celebrating the differences between people. I was mildly reprimanded for my thoughts on that...for placing my ideals on to bands. Well, I don't do that..at least not consciously. But I do tend to take to heart what people I admire say, either through their lyrics or their comments in general. Maybe sometimes that comes out being the wrong thing to do, but I always refer back to the following story:
** From a very early age I knew I was different. No one had to tell me, I just knew. Somehow. I didn't get used to it until I was almost 15 years old. That was almost 8 years ago & I'm still different. It just doesn't bother me anymore. Well, not too much anyhow.
** At least I'm not different just for the sake of being different. I had a friend a couple of years back who tried not to be like anyone else. It still amazes me that she was like that. And she admitted it as well. It wasn't that she really was all that much different than the next person, she just wanted to be.
** I, on the other hand, much like Jarvis (and no, this isn't going to be one of those 'isn't it amazing how much we have in common' pieces of drivel. That's not what I'm about, it's just the truth) wanted to fit in. I never liked being the tallest kid in the class (like my mother, I was 5 foot 8 by the time I was 10) and I always looked older, too. I used to walk hunched over to hide the fact I was so tall. Pathetic, eh? Yeah. It was. Very sad, really.
** I used to get 'looked down on' for not believing in God (but that was mostly by the parents of kids I was with). Or it was because I was so smart (by the kids) - I was seen as a goody-goody because I answered questions in class. Perhaps I thought I was superior to the others; perhaps I was.
** And later, I wasn't popular enough because I wasn't pretty enough or whatever the hell it is that makes you popular - they didn't like my clothes. Well, excuse me for not being a rich snob/asshole/choose your own adjective here. Not that we were poor, we weren't. We were lower middle class for a long time, though. My sister used to patch designer names onto my clothes so I wouldn't be teased for wearing store brands..or heaven forbid -- hand-me-downs.
** I never had a boyfriend. I wanted one, oh how I wanted one. But because I was unliked by all but a few people (and even those I'm not sure I was ever really liked by, been out of school 5 years, no one ever gets in touch with me..I tried for a while but gave up, IT ISN'T WORTH IT!), and most certainly not the popular ones, the boys I was interested in weren't in me. And those that were, well, I couldn't have been bothered by them. You see, I fell into the same trap - I was no better than those I was looked down on by. I'm stiil not - I may be tolerant, but I admit that I am a bit of a snob of sorts when it comes to certain things. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as that's who I am. I'm not changing for anyone, so don't even try.
** When we moved 7 years ago, we moved from a ridiculously pretentious resort town (where people who lived outside the town thought everyone in it was a rich snob/asshole/etc - see above - I also got turned away because of that ['guilt' by association]) to what is known as the joke town of the valley (and in a way it is, I still hate it here after all this time, but that's another story), no one could understand why. Why Elkton? was always the question asked. Well, why the bloody hell not!?
** Then in early '90, my life changed. I found a religion, of sorts, in the form of the B-52's. Here was a band who didn't give a toss what people thought of them. It was all about having fun, about doing your own thing & not worrying about anyone else. I threw everything I had into them and consequently watched my school grades slide dramatically as a result.
** I'm still not entirely used to being different, but I've accepted it as how I am. At least I learned at a fairly early age that it is okay to be different and there's no point in being depressed over the fact.
** I sometimes wonder about the dog (oh, sorry, I said I'd stop didn't I?)... How many people who say they want to be different really feel that way? I suppose the majority of us Mis-Shapes, etc., don't want to be different. Like Jarvis did (still does?!) we want to fit in, to be like everyone else, to not be different. We don't like always being the outsider looking in at what we know we can never have. At least I don't. But, I've learned to live with it & that's certainly a start.