so much is going on in this world that i can't comprehend it. too much happening too fast. massive destruction. countless dead. but life has to go on. i've still got work and school. new apartment soon. human life goes on.

i'm down to say the least. i'm a closed lotus. i want shelter from the onslaught. i don't think i can take the things my eyes are seeing... i can't feel grounded in a world that keeps blasting me with images of death like it's some dime a minute nickelodeon. i just keep thinking ... why...

and i never get an answer.

i try to think of all of the bright things in my life. i just hold a picture of my little neice in my heart and head. young, full of promise, without hatred, running around and loving this world without realizing the sickness that fills it. there really is something to be said about the ignorance of mankind. if only we could all stay children. when i was little i didn't know the difference in so many things. everyone was good to me. there were no racial or sex boundaries. i smiled so much. i miss smiling at this world. i wish i could get back.

being an adult just means making decisions that are devastating. you have to learn about the beauty and pain of love. giving up people who meant so much to you because it's time to move on. embracing those who you cannot afford to lose, reminding them that they're precious to you. i'm lucky i guess. right now i am loved by someone who i care the world about. but there's always heartache to battle, whether alone or together. i hold him and pray for this world. i remember his smile when times get hard and it gets a little easier. i see through eyes of a child when he's near me. but not everyone is so lucky. i wish they were. everyone needs someone to remind them of what it's like to be a child. to love unconditionally.

decisions. i'm making some painful ones lately. i don't know where to go or what to do. in times like these i look to the goddess, i talk to mary. i ask them for guidance and strength. it's sometimes the only thing i can do. i want explainations for the pain in this world. but i only get a voice inside me saying... hey, it's universal return... good with the bad. yin and yang. sigh.