Ain’t it Hell???

I was walking along the road one day..minding my own business(which I admit is quite rare for me..) When suddenly..two dark shadows over took me..I felt hands grab my arms…In total fear…The smell of British tea filling my rather oversized nose…I turned around….And there they were.. Dressed in Black..London fog trenchcoats..(it was 105 degrees!!!..)Since I live in Florida… immediately I was alarmed! I mean what kind of idiots wear London fog trench coats in Florida??!! I was totally scared now.. This was serious… Feverished thoughts roared thru my brain.. Let’s see.. That gumball I swiped in second grade..they finally caught me.. No!!No!! It was the stuff they said in grade school..those dreaded words I had heard all my life..that what I did was going on my “PERMANENT RECORD!” That was it..they caught up with me..”I swear..I never meant to put all that jello in the toilets!!It was an accident!!

I cried..”And all those do not remove under penalty of law tags..My little brother did it.. please..Tag police..don’t take me away!!!” “Come with us ma”am..”One said in a most odd accent…I mean...I knew he wasn’t Southern..He didn’t say ya’ll or anything…. “Who are ya’ll? What have I evva done?? “I cried..My accent getting worse by the moment(in moments of sheer terror..my language skills run amok..and if there was anytime for them to run amok..this was the time!) “M-16 ma”am,”I’m Dumb..Head of Overseas opperations… ”I’m Dumber, the other one…snarlled in a most clipped tone of voice.. Whoa baby!!!..I had a feeling my “a** was grass” as they say here..I mean..my lawn was fixin’ to get mowed! Next thing I knowed…(remember…my language is still running amok...along with my wet britches..not a pleasant aroma..let me tell you!) But I digress.. ….We were on a British Airways jet..and next thing I knew..We had landed in London.. Hey..I knew it was London…mainly because this dude in blue and red hollers,
"Yo baby..London!" Dumb and Dumber weren’t saying anything….Just standing there like two minions from….well…..you know...that hot place!! I was whisked into a car the size of a small motor home…


”Oh I get it.” I say..”You are finally having that state parade for me! Hey! Where’s the Queen???Phill baby???Chucky??? Let’s eat some grits before I meet them.. I am mighty hongry and tared..”(tired!)(Not only in moments of stress does my language run amok..but also when I am hongry and or tared!..)This wuz one of them times...I wanted my grits..and I wanted them Now! “What the heck?? This ain’t BP!!!(see I know the lingo here) I knew then what this place wuz..and boy talking about messin’ my britches..I was ripe by then..
It was that place of my nightmares.. Oh Lordy No!! I cried! Yep..that was the place..I was in the middle of some nightmare..

”Please God Let me wake up! It can’t be real!” There in front of me.. Was a 50 foot Billboard…..Welcoming me to 53 years of Camilla pictures! “Oh my God…NOOOOOOOOOOOO”.I was calling on the main guy now..”No..Not this….Please..I promise I won’t called her ham hocks again….. Anything….Just don’t make me go inside!” Dunb and Dumber…still holding to me..well one handed since they were also holding their noses at the reaction of my bowels to this fate worse than death..Dumb sneared at me..That way only Brits can do..when they are utterlly appalled..and yanked me along..By now..What went down one end wuz coming up the other.. Man oh man!! Me and my big mouth….I am moaning by this time.. Roughly I wuz seated and tied to a chair..I was alone..there wuz darkness all around me Suddenly the strands of music came to my ears..”You musta been a beautiful baby..cause baby look at you now..” the screen lit up!! I screamed in utter horror…utter disgust…utter terror! “Oh shootttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!! There she was… 50 feet of hamhocks….starting at age two weeks..and the narrateor...promised there were pics of her everyday of her life..Hey! I knew that voice! Hey!! Chuck!! I didn’t mean it..Hee Hee..Ethyls haunches aren’t that bad..Hey..a nose bag would help her out..I mean..
I know a veternarian....Uhh..I have a bone for her... I mean a a plastic surgeon..I mean..Oh Shoooootttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!! He wuz comtrolling that slide button like there wuz no tomorrow,
Here we have Milla..at 2 weeks..Milla at 2 weeks 3 days..and on and on..well..for it seeemed forever..… it seemed muchhhhhhhhhh longer…I sat there..no food..messy drawers..my tongue hanging out..and still he pressed that dang button..I. am thinking..If I ever get my butt out of here..I swear..no more Camilla jokes..They can marry..I will come to the wedding..Heck..I’ll be the flower girl…> Forgive me Diana.. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of a sudden….dark again….I breath a sigh of relief..it is over..he forgave me.. But no!!!!! Oh Shootttttttttttttttttttt!! Now it was the sequel …50 years of Camilla BUTT NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Well..now you know what happened to me.. Three years later and still I cry myself to sleep whenever I remember... Like some horrid slide show running thru my dreams..

Diana ..Please forgive me… Please please.. please.. This I pray everynight…but somehow..someway..I know if she had to watch a solid month of Camilla naked pictures..she too would begin to see the light.. Take this as a warning.. Do not..I repeat do not ever make fun of Chuck and ‘Milla again.. I mean..I can truly say..after my experience I have learned my lesson.. Hey wanna buy a pic of me Chuck and Milla??? Yep..we are a threesome now…Look at them haunches..that bodacious wrinkle in her fat.. OH shoooooooooot!!!!!!!! Slipped up again.. No Chuckie!!!..Not the naked Camilla pics again!! The end… Or so I thought… I had died of course… It was no dream..no nightmare.. This was real I knew I was in Hell… ‘Cause there was Chuckie again.with the Camilla pics!!!….. “Camilla at”…..there was that voice again.. “Hey..Mr. Devil....Can you just go ahead and burn me???..Please don’t make me look at her butt one more day!!” Much less eternity!!!” “Nooooooooooooooooooo~!~!~~~” There was Dumb and Dumber standing beside him…snearing as only upper class Brits can do…the two minions…my heart sank then….I knew at last what had happened…who they really were…because I heard those fatal words… “Hey!!!!!”… the devil smurked..… “This is HELL ain’t it???!!!” >

Camilla