Once upon a time in a land far far away...

                         Castor Regnolruf lived a very simple life in a small city in the middle of nowhere. Life was so insanely monotonous that Castor decided to become a small time crook. Vandalizing and Drinking were his other pastimes, he enjoyed this new lifestyle so much but it wasn't meeting his needs. You see Castor had a hidden obsession with womans clothing, seemed Castor had gotten into the habit of stealing whatever articles he could get his hands on but one day he wasn't as lucky as before...

                          It was a cold night, wind was gusting, Clouds were forming and the smell of death seeped it's way through the fog. Castor high as a kite and three sheets to wind didn't have a care in the world because he knew how easy it is to steal a whores clothing, you see he devised a plan to get some whores threads to which he thought was foolproof, the plan of all plans...

                          Castor spent hours thinking of the perfect way to succeed. He finally decided that he would wait at the laundromat for some whore to turn her back for one second, but soon realized that hottie whores don't wash there clothes as often as he would of liked, they all have stripper spray that mixes nicely with pussy, ass and they always carry mouthwash so there's no problem.

                           Depressed and dreary, Castor did the only thing he could think of and that was head to the ripper's. Most ripper's throw there clothes right in your face so it was easy, like whores. Castor did make a few mistakes at the ripper's on this night however. He decided to drink himself into and out of oblivion over and over and over and rather than being stealth like, Castor tripped up when it came to go time. He grabbed all of the ripper's clothes and stuffed them down his pants, he had done this on stage in front of everybody, more importantly the stripper's pimp Rocco...

                           Rocco didn't react right away, he waited like a lion ready to pounce and head straight for the jugular, time passed and Castor thought he had once again stolen some woman's clothes.

                           Now it's closing time and Castor heads for the door but he hesitates because of a burning sensation, he has to hit up the facilities before leaving, Rocco jumps out of nowhere and corners Castor in the shitter, Castor does the only thing he can think of and grabs the plunger, rips the rippers dress out of his pants and uses it as a shield, they circle each other clockwise, they reverse and circle each other counter clockwise, and right before they attack...

                            The rest of Rocco's pride storm into the shitter and attack, they have bat's, bottles and whip's and they mean business, Castor reacts with force and jumps Rocco and in one swipe rips out his adams apple and stuffs it down the next fighter's throat, Castor slides through piss and shit underneath the out of order stall and tears the toilet from the floor, Four bikers kick in the door and Castor smokes three of them in the skull with the toilet, the last one falls to the floor begging for mercy, pleading for pity, Castor has no pity, he is out of pity. Castor screams and slams the porcelain down and crushes his skull, blood and brains, mucus and pain in every direction...

                            Castor smiles and picks up his bounty, puts it on and strolls out the side door of the bar. He laughs all the way on his short ride home, Castor decides to take a short cut at top speed and slams head first into a mack truck going ninety over the speed limit in the other direction, Castor is all fucked up, stumbling this way and that but he doesn't die, he makes it home and crashes hard on his bed. Castor awakes the next morning to find no injury, no blood, no bruises, no hangover, and lying next to him is a dry cleaned dress, in its packaging, with a note from his mom saying...

                             Have a great day today honey, don't suck too many cocks today, love mom.

                             The moral of the story is Don't do excessive drugs and wear womans clothing at the same time or you might wake up a gay cross dressing punk.

Men Vs women

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no.

But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else???....

HIS STORY:

Shit day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1..... I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good  job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

>> > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner

>>with

>> > her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to

her

>> > boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for

>> > the first time.

>> > Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he

takes

>>a

>> > trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps

the

>>boy

>> > for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know

about

>> > condoms and sex.

>> > At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd

like

>>to

>> > buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the

family

>>pack

>> > because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time

and

>>all.

>> >

>> > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets

his

>> > girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my

parents,

>> > come on in!"

>> > The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's

>> > parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows

his

>>head.

>> > A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head

>>down.

>> > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

>> > Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans

over

>> > and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this

religious."

>> > The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a

>> > pharmacist."

>> I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only

>>about 5

>> minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a

>>parking

>> ticket.

>> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving

>>a gal a

>> break?"

>>

>> He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

>>

>> So I called him a pencil-dicked nazi.

>>

>> He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having

>>worn tires!

>>

>> So I called him a piece of horse shit.

>>

>> He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with

>>the first.

>> Then he started writing a third ticket!

>>

>> This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the

>>more

>> tickets he wrote.

>>

>> I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner.

>>

>> I try to have a little fun each day.

It pays not to answer the phone. If you don't laugh at the end of reading

this then there's something wrong with you. Just imagine sitting in traffic

on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on

the WBBM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award

winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone

at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If

the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly

personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their

partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers

those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One

particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to

its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

> >Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBBM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.

Brian: Sarah.

DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh huh...

Brian: ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? (touch tones... ringing...)

Clerk: Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBBM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of MateMatch?

Sarah: No.

DJ: Good!

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes. DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?

Sarah: In the ass... (long pause)

DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break.

• >

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give
the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that the large head of the penis was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

>                            Top 10 Places to have sex:

> > >1. In your bed

> > >2. In your parents bed

> > >3. In his car

> > >4. On a washing machine, while running

> > >5. In a hot tub

> > >6. On a beach, down in the sand

> > >7. On a comfy couch with the TV on

> > >8. On a waterbed

> > >9. A plane bathroom

> > >**10.In the rain**

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >Top 10 Places NOT to have sex

> > >1. In the movies

> > >2. In a car... WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING!

> > >3. In front of all of your friends

> > >4. In a phonebooth

> > >5. In your best friend's bed

> > >6. At Grandma's house

> > >7. At school

> > >8. In your dirty basement

> > >9. In the street

> > >**10.ON-LINE**

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >Top three things to say before having sex:

> > >1. I love you (but only if you mean it)

> > >2. Rock my world

> > >3. Let's get ready to RUMBLE...

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >Top three things NOT to say before having sex:

> > >1. Is this gunna hurt?

> > >2. Sure....I've done this thousands of times...

> > >3. Are you sure it's on there?

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >Top 3 things to say after sex:

> > >1. Are you sure this was you're first time?

> > >2. Gotta cigarette?

> > >3. Wanna do it again?

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >Top 3 things NOT to say after sex:

> > >1. That was IT??

> > >2. I think I hear my mom calling me ---- see ya

> > >3. OOPS, the condom broke! My bad!

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~