WELLSIE AWARDS FOR 1999
Dedicated to the best films in my mind during the year that was 1999!
You know, a lot of the movie reviewers out there have the same flicks in their top 10's and shit, its like the same thing every list you see. Now, here is something I thought about for a while, and that's why i'm giving out MY awards 1999, i called them... THE WELLSIE AWARDS original eh? well, on we go!
Mike Wells: "Hello everyone and welcome to the first ever WELLSIE awards hosted by yours truly, and unfortunately alongside me is my co-host, Nabil Qureshi who smells an awful lot like currie!"
Nabil Qureshi: "Eh Khan Hey...WHO"
Wells: "As you can see he is as enthusiastic as I am and that's ALWAYS good huh? Well the year that was 1999 was an interesting year. For me, I met an awesome woman, made a whole shitload of friends, went some hype parties, and of course New Years, as for Qureshi, well 1999 was interesting for him too! Qureshi started growing hair in places he didn't before, his voice became deeper, and he used the word vagina for the first time in his life, I don't know about you folks, but that is great news. But more importantly, 1999 was another year in movie history. More big budget films, more tit shots, and more movie review websites on the internet. Of course, October 10th 1999 was the official launch date for this site, and we've been going on strong for about 4 months now thanks to our viewers!"
Qureshi: What viewers? We don't have viewers, our site sucks, my life sucks!" (cocks gun)
Wells: "Wait until after the show big guy, I don't want this to be the first, and last WELLSIE awards ok?"
Qureshi: "Gurna, dukka dukka dukka!"
Wells: "Well, here we go, to start off the show, we will be introducing the best Female in a supporting role, please welcome some of Clarkson Secondary School's 2 finest teachers, straight outta tha wiring closet... Mr. Lethbridge and Mr.Dekkler!
Mr. Lethbridge: "Hello everyone, it is our duty, to announce these 5 nominees for best hot chick in a supporting role!"
Mr. Dekkler: "Waaaaait a sec Lethy, is this Cisco Related?" (checks manual)
Mr. Lethbridge: "No, it's not, but anyways, onto the hot chick nominees, and they are..."
Best Supporting Actress
Thora Birch - American Beauty
Heather Graham's Rack - Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me
Katie Holmes - Go
Mena Suvari - American Beauty
Caterine Zeta-Jones' Ass - Entrapment
Mr. Dekkler: "And the winner shall be..."
Mr.Lethbridge: "Mena Suvari, she has a nice rack!"
Also appearing in American
Pie, and The Rage: Carrie 2, this was definitely a breakout year for Mena, and
what a way to cap it off with a brilliant performance as the snotty, slutty
friend of Kevin Spacey's daughter in American Beauty. The reason why Heather
Graham's rack and Catherine Zeta-Jones' ass were nominated, was because this
years supporting actress pool was WEAK
Wells: "Well, the first award has been handed out, and congratulations goes out to Mena and her rack for a job well done."
Qureshi: "You know Michael, she's just not all about her breasts, her acting in that movie was solid, and that film she was in, it was just SO UNIQUE and it had SO much to offer.'
Wells: "Hey man, remember that time in grade 9 when I had a shaved head, and you said I looked like a skinhead, then the next day you came to school with the shaved head?"
Qureshi: "My Umi made me get it cut!"
Wells: "Pussy!"
Qureshi: "Nerdburger!"
Wells: "Well, next up we have best actor in a supporting role, and to introduce this award, please welcome Jen Martens and her breasts!"
Jen Martens: "Shut up! Ugh! Ok, so like, this year there were a lot of hot guys in movie, and if I were to pick the nominees, they would be the backstreet boys for their job well done in the I Want it That Way video. So yeah, (giggle) the nominees for um, what is it again (pause) oh yeah (giggle) best supporting actor (giggle) and they are..."
Best Supporting Actor
Wes Bentley - American Beauty
Chris Cooper - American Beauty
Rhys Ifans - Notting Hill
Hayley Joel Osment - The Sixth Sense
Jason Mewes/Kevin Smith - Dogma
Jen: "(giggle) And the award for best performance by an actor in a supporting role goes to.. Jason Mewes/Kevin Smith.. UGH! Wait a minute, they aren't good looking! That's not fair!"
This award is a dual award
simply because you can't have one without the other. The more hilarious of the
two was Jay, but Bob also supplies with some witty back-up. That is why I am
giving this WELLSIE to both men, for a FUCKING fine job well done!
Wells: "And welcome back, so far we have dished out two awards, now we get onto the bigger and bolder shit. Qureshi, what are your thoughts so far?
Qureshi: "Fine piece of work Mike. But where is HEAT?"
Wells: "Um, Heat was made in 1995 dude."
Qureshi: "One.. is the loneliest number...."
Wells: "What the fuck... anyways, to hand out the next piece of hardware, lets welcome Busta Rhymes and Old Dirty Bastard!"
Busta Rhymes: "Ey Yo Ey YO! FLIPMODE THE IMPERIAL!"
Old Dirty Bastard: "foywalhgsoyt! WASSUP ALL MY NIGGERS AND MY NIGGERETTES!"
Busta: "Rah Digga! Rah Digga! April 9th!"
ODB: "Dash dat shit right there nigga!"
Busta: "Check it out, its like this, we supposed to announce the nominees for the best bitches in a leading role, or some shit like dat, but fuck, I say we bust out a freestyle right now, word, nigga?"
ODB: "Aight, but b'fo dat, I juz wanna say a big wuzzup to my 46 kids across da U.S. and peace!"
Busta: "True."
ODB: (passes out)
Busta: "Shit, nigga! Well, uh, here are da nominees for the best bitches..."
Best Actress
Annette Bening - American Beauty
Heather Donahue - Blair Witch Project
Sarah Polley - Go
Franka Potente - Run Lola Run
Reese Witherspoon - Election
Busta: "Ey yo, Dirtay?"
ODB: "....."
Busta: "Shit, yo, lemme see who won, aight, and da winner, of best bitch in a leading role goes to.. RAH DIGGA! ahahah! Aw shit, jus kidding, and the REAL winna is.. Reese Witherspoon!"
In a movie that was quite
overlooked going into Oscar nomination, Reese Witherspoon's name wasn't even
mentioned. Not once. Well she was here! After her role as the bratty Tracy Flick
in Election, Reese is now a Wellsie winner and she belongs in my spank
bank! hollywood!
Wells: "Well hello, we are back and we are almost done, just two more awards to do. Qureshi, how ya doin over there?"
Qureshi: "Wells, I love you man, honestly."
Wells: "I love you too man"
Qureshi: (get down on one knee) "Michael Daniel Wells, would you do me the honor, in..."
Wells: "Fuck you." (Wells kicks Qureshi in the gut and gives him a stone cold stunner)
Qureshi: "Owww."
Wells: "NOT TONIGHT PALLY! Moving quickly, our next two presenters really rocketed to populairty during 1999, please give it up for The Fabulous Moolah, and Mae Young!"
Fabulous Moolah: "Hello!"
Mae Young: "Who wants to see my puppies???"
Moolah: "Nobody wants to see your socks with rocks in the bottom!"
Mae Young: "What the fuck did you say nigga?"
Moolah: "We are here to present the best actor in a leading role, now please Mae, if you would, just shut the fuck up for 2 minutes or I will send your ass to the retirement center so quick you wouldn't be shitting for 2 years!"
Mae Young: "Eat my cunt bitch!"
Moolah: "Well, the nominees are..."
Best Actor
Jason Biggs - American Pie
Jim Carrey - Man On The Moon
Matt Damon - The Talented Mr. Ripley
Jamie Foxx - Any Given Sunday
Kevin Spacey - American Beauty
Moolah: "And, the WELLSIE goes to..."
Mae Young: "My Puppies!"
Moolah: (takes out a sawed off shotgun and shoots off both of Mae Young's rubbery tits) "Bitch!"
Mae Young: (struggling to get up) "Fuck!"
Moolah: "The WINNER is...Kevin Spacey"
In one of the most enjoyable roles ever portrayed by an actor, Kevin Spacey
shined, and deserves this WELLSIE award hands down. From smokin dope, to gettin
buff, to messin around with young chicks, all I gotta say is Kevin's role in
American Beauty, was my idol.
Wells: "Aaaaand we are back, with just one more WELLSIE to give out, that going to the best picture. Qureshi, any last comments you would like to say before we announce the best picture!?"
Qureshi: "Why am I alive, who did ALLAH create life, why the hell am I brown, and why does my house smell like fish?"
Wells: "Well, I can't answer any of those questions, but maybe this man can? Folks, to introduce the last award of the evening, please welcome Roger Ebert!"
Roger Ebert: "Hi!"
Qureshi: "Oh my god, thee Roger Ebert? I love you man!"
Ebert: "Yes, it is me!"
Qureshi: "Oh my god, Mr. Ebert, can I be one of your co-reviewers for one of your shows? I feel that I am informative, special, and good looking"
Ebert: "Um, no, your 16!"
Qureshi: "What the FUCK!? NO? WHY THE FUCK NOT?"
Ebert: "Settle down now kid!"
Qureshi: "Why, what the fuck you going to do? Call upon your dead bitch Siskel? You know, why don't you go join him?"
Wells: "Qureshi, settle man!"
Qureshi: "Can it blubber bitch, I've had enough of your shit!"
Wells: "That's it..."
(out of nowhere comes 2 big brown people)
Wells: "Mad Ack, Hanses, take care of this jabroni!"
(Mad Ack lifts up Qureshi over his head, then throws him through the announcers table, Hanses jumps ontop of Qureshi and begins to eat his neck)
Wells: "Roger, sorry, you can continue!"
Ebert: "It's ok...well, here are the nominees for best picture!"
Best Picture
American Beauty Go The Matrix South Park Toy Story 2
Ebert: "And the award for best picture goes to...."
"GO" - Directed by Doug Liman
I enjoyed "Go" amazingly more than anyone else did. What makes this
movie so good is that it is 105 minutes of non-stop fun. The script done by John
August is beyond great, and the roles of all the actors were done great.
Wells: "Well that just about wraps it up for my show, hope you all continue to come here (all 7 of you) and have a great year in movies!"