He was married, and knowing that, she had to keep all her deep feelings for him locked inside. As hard as that was, she knew that she would always be his friend...be there for him anytime, whenever he needed her, no matter what. He just had to say the word. In that way, she would feel close to him.

A couple of her friends knew how she felt, and told her that she should let him know. But she couldn't do that. As much as her heart ached to tell him of her love, she could never interfere with his marriage, or worse yet, maybe push him away from her.

She remembered the first time they'd ever really talked. It was very early in the morning, sunny, about 7:30 her time. He was reading his paper, drinking tea, and she was writing an e-mail and having a Pepsi. They made a lot of small talk, about his children and his hobbies. She told him a bit about herself.

He lived in the East and she in the West. They chatted for nearly an hour, and she smiled all through the conversation. She stumbled over her words, sometimes not quite knowing what to say. She was so very shy being that near to him. It was something he had noticed and mentioned it to her.

The many days that they talked for hours, she never tired of listening to him...wanting to hear everything he had to say. She wanted to know about his likes and dislikes, his hobbies, his kids...anything, everything.

The first time they talked on the phone, just before Christmas, she couldn't get over how wonderful his voice sounded. She was shaking for the first hour, as was he. Then, when everything settled down, they talked for two more hours. She was in seventh heaven. He did like her after all.

It was incredible that she could love someone as much as she did, even though they had never met. A door had opened...the sun shone on her heart, letting the glow radiate all around her.

All of her waking hours were spent thinking about this man who had stolen her heart. When they were on-line together, they teased and joked, and she was never happier.

It was so overwhelming at times, that she cried. She couldn't explain it.

She still couldn't tell him how she felt about him. There was still that gnawing in the back of her mind...would he laugh...would he run? In her mind, when she closed her eyes, they kissed and made love a thousand times. Each time was more intense then the last. They burned with a passion and desire for each other. It was like nothing she had ever felt before.

She had said to him that there were some things that a person couldn't control, and he didn't believe her at first. He thought that he could control everything, every thought, every aspect of his own life. He wanted to know what she was talking about. She said that a person couldn't control some emotions, like love, hate and sadness. Eventually, he did believe her, when it happened to him.

They'd dance in circles, not saying what should have been said. He'd corner her, and joke about no corners, and things that she would laugh about. She wanted to tell him, and was sure that he already knew. Finally, after thinking about it, she told him that she cared for him a bit more than she thought she should. She had for about four months. He said that was a long time. She had never realized until that moment when he told her......he felt the same for about two months. It all seemed so sudden, yet was not unexpected.

He had talked to her about moving to where he lived.... probed her with a lot of questions. She was scared...he said they were from two different worlds, age was a factor too. At times, things seemed to be going too fast for her. She had thought about it often though...wanting to be with him. To him, the fine line between real time and net time was blurred...they were the same to him.

She loved to write, and he became her inspiration. She did one story, a very short one. It was a start. Every story she would write thereafter with the exception of one, was with him in mind.

He was going through a very rough time, preparing for a divorce, and so many other things. When he read the first story she wrote, he thought it was good. He wanted one with him in it. She said she would do one, and then asked if he would like to write it with her. He was so excited. She could see it in his typing. It would be great therapy for him, and they would spend time together.

They spent hours and hours talking and laughing. She never told him how excited she got when she would come on-line and he was already there, or when she would get a barrage of his messages. He jokingly scolded her once for being late, and asked where she was. That made her feel so good inside. She never demanded or expected anything of him. She never asked for anything either...just his friendship.

They wrote one story together, called The Loft. Both hid from their friends, passing paragraphs back and forth, giggling with each other because it was always a surprise as to what the other wrote. It was beautiful..every word she typed came from her heart, although he didn't know it. She was living a dream...they were getting closer. They were together every night for hours. When he posted the finished story on a page on his website, she cried when he told her that it was a surprise for her...the tears were happy ones.

She'd send some parts of her stories to his pager, and then laugh when he said he had it on vibrate. She'd make sure she sent as many as the pager would take. Some of those parts were very naughty. She'd snicker as she pushed the send button, knowing that he would smile when he checked all of them.

They started to write another story together. This was going to be a better, longer, more involved one. The first part was done, and it looked good. She pictured herself with him in the story, in the mountains... the log cabin... the hot tub on the deck. They were both pleased with it. They were getting to the more intimate parts. She loved writing with him....wanted all of it to be real.

That's when she noticed him starting to pull away. She couldn't understand what was happening. He talked less and less to her....called her less on the phone. He was pushing her away. She was hurting, and didn't know how to make it stop.

She heard through the grapevine that he was going to a chatters bash with another lady. When she asked him if that lady was his girlfriend he said, "If that's what you want to call it, then yes she is," and added, "But you know how I feel about these things." She knew all too well. He sounded so cold to her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She thought that he loved her, even though the actual words were never said. It was kind of understood.

She asked why he hadn't told her that was his girlfriend, and his reply was, "All you had to do was ask and I would have told you." She thought that he would have told her, without her having to ask...maybe they weren't as close as she thought. How could he not have known how she felt about him. It was typed in so many messages over all of those hours of talking to him. He just had to read to see all of it.

She cried when he told her that. It tore her heart to pieces. It was as if he had reached in and ripped it out. After that, she never really cared about anything...just let life go on as if nothing had happened, trying not to hurt so deeply. The wall started to go up again...the wall that he had started to break down. She knew that she would never get over him. Something inside of her was dying.

The hurt stayed for weeks after that...she'd talk to her friend about it. Another friend told her to get over it and go on with her life, but she couldn't. She loved him that much.

She couldn't talk to him the same way after that. It wasn't the same. She thought he was laughing at her for being so silly as to think that she would ever have a chance with him. He'd come on-line and she would have to send the first message because she was sure he wouldn't say anything to her. Her friend knew that she was crying every time his name flashed on that little box.

He used to be the one to send messages all of the time, call her on the phone, but he didn't have time now because of 'her'. After a while, she hid from him when he did come on-line. It was so hard for her to do that.