Chapter Eighteen:
Scared and Alone
"Didn't want to take another poke, eh? Seems to me somebody else told me that, now who was it... oh, yeah, Angel."
They watched as Buffy leapt at Spike, punching furiously. Dana was thoroughly enveloped in the show, but Brian wasn't quite as sure. "Why did she go at that guy, what's wrong with Angel?" he interrupted.
"Buffy used to date Angel," Dana explained. "She was in love with him, and she slept with him, but he was a vampire and ended up dying later on, and Buffy kind of freaked." They watched for a while longer.
"Is this always gonna happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?"
"Who else went evil?" Brian asked, still a little lost.
"Angel, remember?."
"Oh yeah." Brian scratched his jaw. "Was Angel the blonde haired guy?"
Dana sighed. "No, that was Spike."
"Was Angel the guy who slept with that girl cause she wanted to get over her affection for him?"
"No, that was Xander," Dana told him.
"Was Angel-"
"Angel isn't on the show anymore," Dana said quickly. "He's dead, remember?"
Brian licked his lips, and thought for a minute. "Oh... yeah."
"See, Buffy has this thing of falling for the bad guy. That Parker guy, she slept with him too, and he never called back. She was waiting for him to call, that's why she's always checking her machine, but he never called and it's the same thing that happened with Angel." Dana glanced at Brian. "Do you get it?"
He looked at her for a second. If he said he didn't understand, Dana would try and explain again, and confuse him even more. If he did understand, which he didn't, she would drop it. "Yeah," Brian lied. "Crystal clear."
Dana surveyed him with a critical eye. She could usually tell when people were lying. This was one of those times that her little skill came in handy. "No you don't!" Dana said with mock accusation.
"Yes I do," Brian insisted. Arguing was better than listening and trying to decipher Dana's explanation of Buffy's twisted love life. It didn't bother him anyway because Brian had dismissed 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' as a 'Chick Flick', only it was on TV.
"No, I can tell," Dana persisted.
"Don't worry about it," Brian shrugged it off.
Much to Dana's dismay and Brian's relief, the show ended soon. Dana faced Brian, ignoring the TV. They just watched each other, creating a detailed memory for future reference. There was the unspoken knowledge that he was leaving soon, and it was hanging heavily over them.
"It won't be easy," he began.
"I know," Dana nodded. She knew what he meant without him clarifying.
"There'll be days when I can't talk to you at all, and things like that, and it'll be lonely sometimes," Brian continued.
"I know," she repeated.
"I leave on the tenth."
Dana did the math quickly, and swallowed. "Five days."
"Yeah..."
Dana blinked back a few haphazard tears. Crying wasn't her style, so she grasped for some song lyrics to get her mind off the moment. Unfortunately, the only thing that came into her mind was 'If You Asked Me Too', off of her Celine Dion CD. Bad choice. The silence was strangling, and Dana racked her brain for another song.
"Any thoughts?" Brian asked.
" 'Bout what?" Dana was thankful for the distraction.
"This." He shrugged. "Us, me, you, school, life in general."
"Crappy. Amazing. Sexy. Not as sexy. Too much homework. Very good." Dana smiled. "In that order."
Brian chuckled.
"What about you?" she wondered.
"The shits. Fantastic. Normal. Gorgeous. Don't have it. Great. In that order, too," he added to Dana's menagerie of answers.
She giggled in spite of herself. "We can be so dumb," Dana commented.
Brian cocked his head to one side, and grinned widely. "Yes we can."
- - -next day, around noon- - -
"Where are my keys?!" Dana half asked, half demanded. She glared at the empty counter, positive that she'd left the blue keychain right next to the second hand microwave that had stopped working the previous week. Absolutely nothing had been going well, and it was because her mind was elsewhere. More specifically, with Brian.
"I dunno about you, but last time I checked the counter won't answer your questions," someone called.
Dana spun around, recognizing the voice instantly. Steve smiled. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked in an ominous voice.
"Checking up on you," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Why?"
"In case you haven't noticed, I don't like you." Dana's jaw tightened. "Repeat: I don't like you. At all."
"You still dating that guy?" Steve wondered in an obnoxious voice.
"How do you know these things? Have you no life, do you spend your time researching me?"
"Some friend of yours told me," Steve said vaguely.
She narrowed her eyes. "And how did you get in? Why are you in my apartment?"
"I still have a copy of your key, and I'm here to let you know that I will forgive you and take you back if you want to."
Dana laughed spontaniously. It was a short, surprised laugh, totally unintentional but the most liberating thing in the world. "You forgive me? Hello! Did you not hear me before? I DON'T LIKE YOU!!" She screamed it at him, every ounce of hatred and bitterness surfacing in her voice. "You spend more than a year twisting my reality to suit your life, taking advantage of my every innocent fiber, and getting me drunk every weekend so you can play around with my body, and you forgive me? I don't think so."
Steve wanted to say something, but Dana cut him off.
"I had absolutely no respect for myself by the time you got rid of me. I thought that if a guy didn't abuse me than it wasn't love, but you know what?" Dana was waving her arms, as she tended to do when angry. "I am now with someone who showed me that I deserve more than you. Someone who made me realize that I'm worth more than a Saturday night and a used condom." Her chin started to tremble as horrible, painful memories slammed into her mind. "Someone that loves me."
"No one loves you," Steve spat. "All that you are is a Saturday night and a used condom. When will you learn that no one cares about you for anything more than those Saturday nights..." he paused for effect. "That's all you'll ever be is somebody's bed buddy."
Tears welled in her eyes, but Steve continued, unfazed.
"Nobody can love whores Dana, people can only fuck 'em."
That was it. Tears spilled over, leaving hot trails of humiliation down her cheeks.
Steve took one look at Dana, crying and scared, and knew he'd accomplished his mission. "I'm getting out of here," he muttered. "Whores make me sick."
Dana clutched her stomache, and wanted to vomit. He made her feel dirty and used. worth nothing and of no value to anyone. "I'm not a whore," she consoled herself desperately. The door slammed shut, causing another hot rush of tears. Rocking back and forth slightly, Dana cried herself to sleep on the kitchen floor.
- - -later on- - -
The phone rang, startling Dana out of her fitful sleep. She rubbed her eyes, and crawled over to the end table that held the portable. "Hello?" she croaked, her throat sore from swallowing too much.
"Hey Dana," Brian's voice echoed through the line.
"Hi," she said listlessly. Brian was the last person Dana felt like talking to at that moment. She was tired, and doubtful of him, and wanted nothing more than to go and cry some more. "Listen, I can't talk right now, I'll call you later." She hung up quickly, her throat closing as her eyes glazed over.
Brian held his phone curiously. Not sure of what had just happened, he pressed redial.
Dana sighed. "Hello?" she mumbled into the phone once more.
"Dana why'd you just hang up?" He was confused and hurt.
"I told you, I can't talk right now, I'll call you later." She hung up again.
Brian swore at the phone. Why, four days before he left, did Dana have to go loco on him? Hitting the redial button forcefully, he waited. "Dana..." Brian grumbled. "Pick up Dana!" The ringing continued, then the answering machine came on. "I know you're there Dana, pick up the phone!" He demanded. It was silent, and he groaned loudly. "Pick up Dana, I wanna talk to you."
Dana leaned her head against the table next to the answering machine, and listened to Brian's voice. She trembled sadly. Scared of being used, afraid to fall in love, Dana stared blankly at the phone. Her eyes were dry and itchy from the many tears that had fallen, and her face was puffy and red.
"Dana, talk to me!"
"GO AWAY!" Dana screamed at the answering machine, and ripped the plug out of the wall angrily. The table rattled, and the answering machine tumbled to the floor. Furious at her past, Dana kicked the couch and stalked out of her apartment, crying and very much alone.
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