Citizen: 'Ello, I wish to register...
(McLellan points toward the nearest telephone and holds up a card reading WHY BE ALONE? FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 1-800-731-4000.)
Citizen: ...a complaint.
McLellan drops the card and furtively edges towards the door.
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Anne McLellan: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint!
AM: We're closin' for post-election hangovers.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this Firearms Act what my countrymen purchased not five years ago
from this very boutique.
AM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Firearms Act...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead,
that's what's wrong with it!
AM: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting. There's an amnesty.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead law when I see one, and
I'm looking at one right now.
AM: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable legislation,
the Firearms Act, idn'it, ay? Beautiful culture of safety!
C: The culture of safety don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
AM: Nononono, no, no! It's just an amnesty!
C: All right then, if it's just resting, I'll wake him up!
(Tries to get arrested for not having a license as required by law, but can't as the government
hasn't processed its million-gunowner backlog and can't actually tell whether he's a criminal or not)
'Ello, Mister Firearms Act! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle
fish for you if you show...(owner pulls what everyone familiar with the regulations would immediately recognize as an unregistered reproduction imitation deactivated antique blank firearm from his holster)
AM: There, it moved!
C: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the table!
AM: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
AM: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and ejecting inert dummy casings repeatedly while pointing the muzzle in a safe direction in which it would be legal to discharge the um whatever it is, if it were capable of doing so) 'ELLO FIREARMS ACT!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
(Takes 1500+ page Firearms Officer Desk Manual book out of abnormally large pocket and thwacks it on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to
the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead law.
AM: No, no.....No, it's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
AM: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was comin' into force!
Firearm regulations stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough
of this. That law is definitely deceased, and when it was given to me as a surprise gift
not five years ago, you assured me that its
total lack of effectiveness and meaningful results was due to it bein' tired due to large-scale preparations for its prolonged phased implementation.
AM: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the Arctic archipelago. There are plenty of homeless starving sustenance trapping grandfathered remote northern policemen and possibly some soldiers up there who need guns. The rest of you lawless savages can um go to hell after we confiscate your property.
C: PININ' for the archipelago?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did this law fall flat on its back the moment the licensing deadline struck?
AM: The Firearms Act prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable
legislation, id'nit, squire? Lovely culture of safety!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Firearms Act when it was first implemented,
and I discovered the only reason that it had
been voted into law in the first place was that the MPs who voted for it had
been NAILED to pulleys controlled by the PM's office.
(pause)
AM: Well, o'course they was nailed there! If we hadn't nailed those MPs down, the legislation would have been uncontrollably and spontaneously adopted by MPs of all parties, then it would have convinced firearm owners using it's unique blend of convoluted logic, arbitrary regulations and blatant threats, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this law wouldn't "voom" if you passed four
million volts and another billion dollars through it! Eet's bleedin' demised!
AM: No no! It's pining!
C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This legislation is no more!
It has ceased to be! It's certificates have all expired and it's gone to meet it's purportedly verified registered manufacturer!
It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you
had some other place to shove the thousands of incompetent undertrained Liberal patronage staffers running it, they'd be filling out HRDC grant applications by now!
It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig!
It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off its mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-LAW!!
(pause)
AM: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
