Part the Eight: Did You Read The Instructions?
Author’s notes: All hail the Muse and his size 11 Ruby Army Boots.
Part eight – finally! I've had this in my head for several months, you have no idea what's that's been like!
I'm embarrassed to say my sister (she of the pregnant lift concept) asked me if I was the lift, it was only then I realised these Author's notes are beginning to sound very similar to the mental voice I hear when writing for it – a rather upper-class English/Malcolm Reed, one at that. I wasn't even going to try and explain to her that my alter-ego is a gay man; my family already think I'm the weird one, coming from a bunch of eccentrics that's a bit of a back handed compliment, but there you go!
If Normal = Boring then Viva the Insanity!
~snip~
**FIZZ. PING**
Ooppsy! ... ...
"Ok, so who turned out the lights?"
"Don't worry the emergency backup will come on in a second."
"Ah Sir, that was the backup."
"Oh great Carter, another fine day on planet Murphy!"
"Planet Murphy? Is the name of this planet not Earth O'Neill?"
~snip~
"I think Jack was referring to the concept of Murphy's Law Teal'c."
"I'm not familiar with this Law to which you refer DanielJackson, please elucidate."
Oh no, now you've gone and done it, even in the dark you can see him slip in to lecture mode! ... ...
"Murphy's Law 'If anything can go wrong, it will' was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base. It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash. One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law. Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name. Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 G's, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it."
"Dannyboy just give us the long version why don't you?"
Just what I was thinking! … …
"Ah DanielJackson, is this also the 'Sod's Law' to which Sergent Stiler gave as the reason why he always manages to find the live wire in a dead circuit board?"
"Oh boy if ever. Murphy's Law in it's simplest form is 'if anything can go wrong it will'!"
"Not forgetting the corollary, 'if everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something'!"
"And if anything just possibly can not go wrong, it will anyway!"
"At the most inopportune time!"
"And to the crankiest person available!"
"Hey, I could feel you looking at me when you said that Daniel!"
"Jack, it's pitch black in here, how could you? Oh never mind, Murphy's!"
"Exactly."
Uh Jack, anything that can go wrong, already has, you just haven't been receiving all your memos! ... ...
"I think I understand; I would correct to say that a dropped piece of bread will always land buttered side down?"
Yes, by George I think he's got it, give the big man an all day sucker! ... ...
"But you cannot sucessfully determine before hand which side of the bread to butter!"
"Only a scientist would even bother to try."
"You just know he was looking at us when he said that Daniel."
"I'm going to ignore that ... for now!"
"The chances of dropping the bread is directionally proportional to the cost of the carpet."
Oh I think Sam just won that round! ... ...
"Likewise anything you drop in the bathroom will end up in the toilet!"
Correction, round to Jack O'Neill, with two L's, and extra points for successfully finding the gutter! ... ...
"Ok, complete this one Carter. Anything good is either illegal, immoral or fattening. And, So, Therefore?"
"If it looks good,"
"And tastes good,"
"And feels good,"
"There's got to be something wrong somewhere!"
He should have known better than to challenge a woman with that one; I mean, has he never heard of Death by CHOCOLATE! ... ...
"Ok Daniel, your turn."
"Military intelligence, is a contradiction in terms! Teal'c."
"Friendly Fire, isn't! Samantha."
"Recoilless rifles, aren't! Sir."
"Suppressive fire, won't! Carter."
My turn. Minor problem, isn't! ... ...
"Bullet-proof-vests, aren't! Sir."
"If you can't remember, the claymore is pointing towards you. Anyone."
"A clean and dry set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain!"
"Hey why do I get the feeling that was aimed in my direction?"
"I do not know DanielJackson."
Yeah, it's not like he wasn't voted the SGC member most likely to loose part if not all of his uniform off-world three years running! ... ...
You've got to keep them on to be able to get them dirty! ... ...
"The most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity."
"Daniel!"
"Jack!"
"Stupidity is the fundamental driving force in the universe, which explains why stupid people are always wrong."
"I didn't realise you could even pronounce 'fundamental' Jack!"
"You want to fight dirty Plantboy, well in that case. The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its' limits."
"I think I’ve just been insulted Sam."
"You had to think about it, you're slipping there Dannyboy!"
"Fine Jack, fine. It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious!"
He shoots, he scores! ... ...
And so here we are with another rousing edition of the Jack and Danny show! ... ...
"Whatever you are about to do, if there's a good chance it will get you killed, Daniel, you probably shouldn't do it."
"Oh, can we say Subtle?"
"Oh, can you say Paranoid Daniel?"
"Just because you Can do something, doesn't mean you Should Jack!"
"Mutter."
"What was that Jack?"
"Nothing."
"Right, when in doubt mumble, when in trouble delegate."
"Oh, can you say insubordination?"
"No, but I can say, I'm a civilian Jack."
"Quiet there in the peanut gallery."
"Be quiet in the one and nines'."
**THUD**
**HUMMMM**
**PLINK**
"Argh, that's bright!"
"HEY, A Little Warning Would Have Been Nice!"
Voice from above "Sorry about that sir."
"Great you've got the lights back on, how about getting us the HELL outta here? Some of us would like to get home tonight."
It's never wise to let a piece of equipment, or a technician, know that you're in a hurry! ... ...
**CLANG**
Voice from above "Oops!"
"Oops, the second worst thing you can hear the tech say!"
"What would be the worst thing Samantha?"
"Ah, erm, well that would be ..."
**CRASH**
Voice from above "Oh Shit!"
"Never mind!"