| I wrote this awhile ago, and I hope to make a new list. I just added that little Incredibles allusion when I posted this. Note the Incredibles colors. |
| 1. You have to have a personal weapon (Indy's whip, etc.) This allows you to kick ass and save the world looking cool and unique. |
| 2. If you have a trademark hat, do not lose it. If you do, it will probably come back to you, somehow, but don't take the risk. |
| 3. Spandex and underwear worn on the outside will always look cool. |
| 4. Guns are a good thing. |
| 5. So are swords. |
| 6. So are any other weapons. |
| 7. Always have an arch-enemy. If he/she/it killed someone close to you, that's even better. This allows repetitive battles, without being too repetitive, and a deeper meaning to your quest. |
| 8. Don't always trust a pretty smile and nice body. As a matter of fact, they betray you about 76% of the time. |
| 9. Looks can be deceiving. This rule doesn't only apply to girls. |
| 10. Guys are usually jerks. It is a law of nature. To be a good male action hero, you have to be slightly annoying, or people will think you're faking. |
| 11. Capes are cool. No argument. Except when practicality destroys them. Ask Edna (and see the Incredibles!) |
| 12. Take the advice of the random, wizened old man/woman/thing standing on the side of the path. |
| 13. You must know how to hot wire a car. |
| 14. You should probably know how to drive a car, too. Being over the legal driving age (or at least looking it) helps avoid unwanted tickets and interruptions by police officers. |
| 15. You need a cool theme. Brass is good, unless you're more Byronic than anything. Then, stick with strings and low, mellow cello stuff. |
| 16. Sidekicks don't have to be funny, but it helps relieve tension. |
| 17. Never trust the squirrels at Crossroads. |
| 18. Grappling hooks and hookshots help get you out of tight situations. |
| 19. Be nice to animals, it always comes back in the end. |
| 20. Turning to the side of evil for awhile and then redeeming yourself always makes people appreciate you more. Try to limit this turning to about once a decade, or at least change D/W/U/etc.s, or people will begin to suspect. |
| 21. Don't bother asking to be paid. |
| 22. They won't pay you, no matter what you do. |
| 23. Make sure you have a plan B. |
| 24. If you don't have a plan B, you better reconsider your line of work. If you live, that is. |
| 25. Underground contacts always help. |
| 26. Nicknames are fun. |
| 27. Just don't call him Junior. |
| 28. Action heroes never have to use the restroom. Surgery or a spell may be required. (just kidding, folks) |
| 29. Staring moodily into the distance as the wind whips your hair (if you have any) while music swells is occasionally required. |
| 30. Learn a lot of different languages. Now only does it avoid misunderstandings, it cuts down on the cost of hiring a translator (who may end up betraying you anyway.) |
| 31. Knowing how to fly planes and other types of air transportation is pretty important. |
| 32. Boots are cool, too. |
| 33. Name your sword. It sounds better. |
| 34. Have about three hundred and eight aliases. |
| 35. Large arsenals always help. |
| 36. Make sure you have a hidden dagger or gun in case you get captured and need a way out. |
| 37. Talk grandly when it is needed, but always say "ain't" or other expressions, just to show you aren't some random, stuffy bore. |
| 38. Flashlights help you find your way in the dark, but so does nightsight and other different-points-on-the-spectrum sight. |
| 39. Swear occasionally, just to keep the tension and pressure obvious. |
| 40. Contacts in the government usually provide good intelligence. |
| 41. Be able to move silently. |
| 42. Don't wear bright colors when trying to blend in with the environment, unless, of course, the environment is bright. |
| 43. Always know what time of day it is. It's never fun to start a mission that needs to be very secret and hush-hush and realize it's almost dawn. |
| 44. Always know what the weather will be like. Sneaking up the sides of buildings in the rain isn't very enjoyable, nor is searching for things out at sea in a motorboat in a storm. |
| 45.Charisma gets you help and friends. So does money. If you're not exactly a people person, make sure you're at least rich. |
| 47. Personal phrases are either annoying or amusing. Make sure it's the latter. |
| 48. Knowledge of the terrain and natives always gives you the upperhand. |
| 49. Set the timer so you have enough time to get out of the building. |
| 50. If you have a habit of flirting, make sure you're a nice guy/gal so others will cheer you on and not think you're just a jerk. Try to cut down on the flirting, though. |
| 51. Brain over brawn. But not always. |
| 52. Know all pressure points on various types of beings. In this case, diversity is good. |
| 53. Know how to read maps. |
| 54. Actually carry the map you plan on reading. It doesn't help being able to read a map without having one. |
| 55. Take breaks. Or you'll go insane. |
| 56. Read lists like these. |
| 57. If you can't fly, make sure you have a ride. |
| 58. Make a point to kill half of the bad guys, but don't kill the other half. You have to imprison them/let them escape/whatever in order to appear a little imperfect and a little merciful. |
| 59. Try not to develop a reputation as "goofy." Nobody will ever take you seriously, and it will get really annoying. |
| 60. Try to have a nice costume. No one needs to see a random guy walking around in gym clothes saving the world. |
| 61. If you have a kid(s), make sure she/he/it isn't a huge brat. It could ruin your reputation. |
| 62. Don't trust people that look like bad guys. |
| 63. Don't trust people that don't look like bad guys. |
| 64. Don't trust anybody. |
| 65. Especially not the person who is writing this. |
Posted: Nov 26, 2004 |
