Chainsaw Quotes 

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Mr. Chainsaw is a fake name given to an incompetent religion teacher at St. Martin’s High School, these are some of his crazy antics, and they are real things he’s said, or in some cases done. All names given to students are fake, but the students are real people.  Enjoy!   

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Purpose of the site:

1.  To help students of Mr. Chainsaw to remember some of the great times we had laughing at him.

2.  To introduce his students to some quotes they have not heard before or missed.

3.  To give outsiders a chance to also laugh at some of the stupid things this teacher has said.

 Why I Made This Site

Advice for your own rebellion:

The Art of Rebellion 

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Notices:

Notes will be added weekly, be sure to come back once in a while.  Don't make this site all for nothing!

Anyone who would like to contribute some quotes you know where to find me.  All my quotes are real so don't give me anything he didn't really say.  Taking it out of context is another story though... Leave a quote in the guest book if you want.  I see everything before I allow it on the site so if its not a quote and its something obscene don't bother writing it.

 
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Quotes

Quotes:

1. If you’re not Christian you’re crazy.
2. Non-Christians talk to the Christians to get to know Jesus.
3. Don’t answer my question with a question Amy.
4. (5 minutes later) Davis- Ha, you just answered her question with a question (everyone laughs) Chainsaw- shut up Davis.
5. Any girl have a makeup compact I can borrow?
6. Any girl have some lotion I can borrow?
7. Could you run to your locker and get that lotion?
8. I don’t care if you’re going to have a mental breakdown.  We’re in the middle of a discussion.  Guidance can wait.
9. Did you know that if you put a cracker in your mouth after a while it starts to taste sweet?  Its cause of carbohydrates.
10. Go ahead, roll around on the floor, I don’t care.
11. Any girl have a mirror I can borrow? (I need to make myself pretty for the freshmen girls)
12. Student- How can the pope be infallible but human at the same time?     Chainsaw- Wow, that’s deep.
13. Chainsaw- Why do you think your dog is waiting at the window all happy and wagging its tail when you come home from school everyday? Girl- because they love you. Chainsaw- No, it’s because they want food or need to go outside.  Dogs can’t love.
14. Student- Mr. Chainsaw why are you eating pizza in class?  Chainsaw- I don’t know, I just found it in the desk drawer.

~~~~~Just in Time For Lent~~~~~ 

15. I don’t think I could give up pop.  I’m going to give up watermelon.
16. I think giving up gum would be a good one for you guys. (no one laughs but him)
17. I could give up KoolAid.
18. Laziness is a sin. *Looks at Bill*
19. Student- why couldn’t you give up pop? Chainsaw- because that would be hard (Laziness is a sin Mr. Chainsaw, way to set a good example)
20. Student- what’s the difference between heroism and character.  Chainsaw- I don’t know, look in the book.
21. Student- I don’t think A.D. means after death.  Chainsaw- well it means after death or after birth.
22. Another Student- A.D. doesn’t mean after death or after birth, it’s some Latin term.  Chainsaw- yea but it translates to after death or after birth.
23. I’m single obviously... (so all you freshman girls don’t be shy)... so they wouldn’t let me be a deacon.  Deacons have to be married.
24. *Stares at a girl through all of a prayer about temptation* (tempted Chainsaw?)
25. When people had to get water from a well it was just sitting there so it was subject to more bacteria, it was subject to more growth, it was subject to oxidation, I don’t know if water can oxidize, I’m not a science person.
26. Student- Do you have any tissues? (silence…) Chainsaw- …make sure you also know what grace is.
27. Question Marty?  Then leave.
28. White is a better color to attract a crowd, it makes you appeal more innocent.
29. You’re looking at me like I’m speaking Greek.
30. (out of nowhere) Chainsaw- If your grandmother cut her finger how would you get her to the hospital?  Student- I’d probably call an ambulance.  Chainsaw- Yea I would too (whole class looks around “what is he talking about?”)
31. Chainsaw- Did you read the chapter?  Student- No.  Chainsaw- Why?  Student- You never told us to.  Chainsaw- I don’t have to tell you anything.
32. Student- Did you go to the parade?  Chainsaw- yeah.  Student- Oh, I didn't see you there.  Another Student-  yeah, thank God.
33. (Reading from the book) "...the dictionary does provides us with insight," wow, this book must have been written by a Southerner.
34. (Reading from the book) I disagree with that last statement: "If God were an Olympic athlete the judges would give God a perfect score in every category for every event!  That's how good God is."  Why?  Why do you think I disagree with that? (Because your one crazy mofo Chainsaw)
35. Chainsaw- There was a lot of over sensatation.  Student- Is that even a word?  Chainsaw- There was a lot of over sensativism.  Student- Is THAT a word?  Chainsaw- I don't know, sensitivity.  Student- Aren't you an English teacher?
36. There is a such thing as being too sens- of filling someone's self-esteem too much (Nice save, if you don't know the word don't try)
37. Girl- What exactly is it talking about when it says "sexuality"?  Chainsaw-  Well, uh, your attitudes toward sex, whether your lustful, not lustful, uhhh, your attitudes toward the opposite sex, uhhhh...
38. Student- ...but your social skills are kind of decided in your brain.  Chainsaw-  Well, that's not entirely true, I mean, I could be a jerk, I could be a sarcastic, mean person... (who's to say you aren't?)
39. (Tapping noise on the lockers outside, Chainsaw goes out into the hall) Chainsaw-  Who was that?  Student in the Hall- Some fag, just went around the corner.  Chainsaw-  Bastard.  (If you couldn't already guess, the student he was talking to was the same one who was tapping on the lockers)
40. Chainsaw-  Why are you wearing uniforms?  Students- I don't know, no clue (I say we ditch the uniforms and go nude! Who's with me! lol)  Chainsaw-  Its to show you respect yourself and others.  If you can't respect yourself who can you respect? (We can respect you Mr. Chainsaw, because your such a great guy, its funny, I can't even type that without laughing)
41. Chainsaw- At a wedding all the men that stood up were chewing gum, (except Mr. Chainsaw, oh wait, he's not a man, my bad) I see that as disrespectful.  Student-  But your judging them, you shouldn't judge people. (The issue is fought about for about ten minutes, good times)
42. Dire, you guys ever hear that word?  Dire straights, like-  What O'Hara? Your shaking your head.  O'Hara-  its just... I think we all know what dire means.  Chainsaw- Oh yeah?  How many people know what dire means? (whole class raises their hands)  That many huh? (Ohhh, shot down Mr. C!)
43. (Writing "society" on the board) Chainsaw- Is that "y" or "ey"?  Student-  Aren't you an English teacher?  Chainsaw-  Well, yeah, but I don't know spelling.
44. Chainsaw- ...no I'm not saying anyone is dumb, no one here is dumb.  Student (mumbles)- Yeah... except for you.
45. Chainsaw-  No, I'm not leaving after this year, why, would you be disappointed?  Student- Disappointed if you DIDN'T leave.

~~~~~~Sayings~~~~~~

1. The forgery was the straw that broke the camel's back.
2. ...And he was on him like white on rice. (Unless it was wild rice)
3. He couldn't give a hill of beans. (You got to hand it to him, it is creative)

~~~~Donated Quotes~~~~

The following quotes have been given to me by other people, the comments are a mixture of mine and there's.

1. (Playing: Two Truths and a Lie) Chainsaw- 1.  I have two dobermans  2.  I have an eleven month old baby  3. I'm a coach (don't know why if he can't play) Class- Kid!!!!!!!  Chainsaw- No --  I have one!  Student-  yeah, like he could ever get that lucky.  (10-30 seconds later)  Chainsaw- I lied! -- Twice! (great, now we know he can't count either, it was supposed to be two truths and only one lie, dumbass)
2. When times get tough I can always depend on others --- take a look.
3. I know Brad from Real World.
4. Let me ask Sister Ellen.
5. Ask Mr. Dean (dean at St. Martin's) if those are legal.
6. (Chainsaw sees student pass by) Chainsaw- What's up Jim?  Student- I'm Greg Mr. Chainsaw. (Chainsaw comes back to class)  Chainsaw- Who was that kid?
7. (Okay, let me set this one up, Mr. Mundane always has a piece of cotton in his nose, like its bleeding or something) Chainsaw- What about Mr. Mundane........you know it can be allergies or a sinus problem... Student- well maybe he's crazy.... Chainsaw- ya well it can be a sinus problem... Student- maybe he's got a nose infection... Chainsaw- or it can be a sinus problem.
8. I do a good Bill Cosby impression.  (starts doing a horrible impression)

People now know about Chainsaw's stupidity.

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This cartoon reminds me of Mr. Chainsaw.  Maybe you'll think so too.  He kind of looks like him too.  Funny Cartoon

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