Dear Lover

Author: Regency

Title: Dear Lover

Pairing: Abbey/Jed

Rating: G

Warning: Character death

Summary: If you're reading this letter, then, I guess I'm gone…

AN: This is completely AU

Disclaimer: I own only Dr. Owens.

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If you’re reading this letter, then, I guess I’m gone and Dr. Owens owes me forty dollars, by the way. Yes, we made a bet on it. He said, I’d live, but I thought otherwise. Such is the power of my intellect.

I know, at this point, this probably isn't something that you'd find funny, but I'm trying to lighten your mood before we get to the heavy stuff. Well, I think it's safe to say that the mood is about as light as it's going to be until the end of this letter. So, have a seat, we're going to be here for a while.

To you, my death may have seemed very sudden, very unexpected and for that I am truly sorry. It wasn't as sudden as one might have you believe. I've been dying for some months now and I've kept it to myself. There was nothing you could have done and I didn't want you killing yourself for a miracle that wasn't going to happen. I didn't want you to have to watch me die. I was doing that well enough for the both of us.

You're probably wondering why I've even bothered to write this to you other than to tell you things you probably know by now. The truth is, I needed to tell you the things that there's never been time to tell you before. I've said I love you a thousand times before and it's never seemed to be enough, so as you read this letter, expect to read it many times, because I'm going to say it all the way to the end. Enough wasting space, ink, and time. I have a lot to say and I need you to listen.

From day one, I've loved you like there's never been time to express. I know we married early, but I had to marry you so that I could hopefully spend the rest of our life together showing you even a fraction of the love that you make me feel. I knew even from then that there'd never be enough time. But, the time we have had has been more amazing, more incredible than I'd ever imagined a life with you could be. You have given me the most astonishing joy, have made me this deliriously happy man. From you, has come the three most beautiful little girls that God ever made, that He will ever make. The only being nearly as beautiful as our darling angels is you. I could expound for pages on how beautiful you are, but I honestly don't have that kind of time.

I need to thank you for the sacrifices you have made and for your dedication to me and our daughters. You could have left me years ago and would have been completely within your right to do so, but you didn't. You stayed and I've never showed you any gratitude for that. Maybe I assumed you already knew how much your support meant to me or maybe I was just being dense. Either way, I don't think it really matters anymore. I've loved you and have always been proud of everything you've ever done. I'm so happy you chose me to spend your life with and allowed me to spend my life with you.

There's no way that this can say half of things happening inside me right now, but this is all I've got. It's always going to sound like so little, because it is. I've spent years mentally putting this letter together, but now that I've got a pen in my hand none of those poetic verses or Chinese proverbs are coming out. All I've got is a few words and a few memories. I wish I could write down our whole life together from day one, just for you, just so that you'd never forget our love. But there's so many and I could never choose one over another for you to remember, to hold onto. Besides, I don't think that's fair to you, me forcing you to relive the past. That's not fair, is it? I want you to feel joyous again, to fall in love. I don't want to tether you to a life that will end with my last heartbeat. You deserve so much more. So much more than I will ever be able to give you. I want you to live the life that I've taken from you. And you can't do that with me throwing us into your face. That's not what you need and please, feel free to curse me for pretending to know what you need, but I'm dead so humor me. You'll need someone to hold you and to help you move forth, to kiss your tears and dry your cheeks. I wish to God it could be me. I wish I could bind your wounds and take away your pain, but I can't because I'm gone now. God only knows how hard it is for me to leave you behind.

But before I leave your life for good, there are still things I must tell you and ask of you. Please, forgive me, Abigail, for leaving without saying goodbye, without giving you the last bit of honesty due to you. I truly believed you were better off. I know, I know, but I couldn't bare to face you again and see the devastation on your face when you realized that I was going to die. I've been there before. I didn't want that to be my very last memory of you. I don't think it would've been either way.

If you're curious, you were my last thought. And, if I could choose my heaven, I would spend the rest of eternity with you, always at your side. No matter, where in this world or the next I find myself, you will always have me cheering you on. I'm always in your corner, Abbey. And you are forever in my heart.

With all of my love and so much of my heart,

Your husband,

Josiah