Memoriam
Here is what the note says.
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpletion who obviously would rather
be an emascluated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to
understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years,
since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with
independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true .
I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along
with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words
about about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out
and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it
did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration
from the crowd, which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I
can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst
crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as
if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time
clock before I walk out on stage . I've tried everything within my power to
appreciate it (and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate
the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be
one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too
sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once
had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all
the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get
over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in
all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me
feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus
man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I dont know! I have a goddess of a wife who
sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I
used to be , full of love and joy , kissing every person she meets because
everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point
where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the
miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very
good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards
all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and
have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and
concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't
have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out then to fade
away. Peace, Love, Empathy Kurt Cobain Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your
altar. Pleas keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be so
much happier without me. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
R.I.P Kurt