Her son was currently lying on their lawn, daydreaming about the hunky guy at the meat market in town. The guy's name was Ug. Well, Justin wasn't too sure because all the guy said was "Ug" but all of his "Ug"s had a sexy lilt to them. Plus, Ug had an ass to die for, nice, plump, firm and juicy, just the way Justin liked them. Justin was picturing smacking Ug's ass and parting those glorious cheeks and-
"Ow!" Justin gasped in pain, sitting up on the grass and rubbing his forehead. His curly headed mother stood over him glaring back, just as hard he was at her.
"I have another boot to throw at your empty head if you don't get your arse up! I have been calling you for hours in the house. Had me checking all the rooms, too!"
Justin widened his eyes and rubbed his curly head, "There's only three!"
"Shut the hell up! Don't mock what we have! You should be so lucky! Now here," she handed him 5 shillings, "this all the money we have left."
Justin pocketed the little money as he muttered under his breath "Because of your ass."
"What was that?! I know you said something smart. Don't think I won't sell you for a bull. I could use some calves from Bessie," Lynn pointed to the Timberlake's beloved, old cow, who was grazing the sparse grass in the meadow by the Timberlake abode.
"Uh, Mom, Bessie's like two hundred in human years. I don't any bull, cow, or animal in their right mind would want to mount her. I mean look at h-"
Lynn backslapped Justin, "Look, don't sass me, mister. Just shut up," she pulled Justin up to stand by his collar, "get up and go get us food for dinner." She pushed Justin toward the road that led into the nearby town of Merriville. "AND DON'T WASTE THE MONEY ON ANY FOOLISHNESS!!!" She bellowed.
Justin sighed and wondered what could you buy with five shillings anyway. He shrugged and made his way down the road. After twenty minutes, he began to whistle, since he nothing better to do. He was happy to go get away from his mother. Then he heard-
"Hey there boy!" someone shouted from behind Justin.
Justin looked behind him and in front of him but did not see anyone. "Who in the hell said that? Come out and show yourself, you better not be a robber cause I'll kick your fucking ass." Justin turned in a circle slowly, looking at all directions for the possible attacker could come out, Justin was ready to pounce.
"Hey, Hey, Hey, boy" a short, dark haired man leapt out from behind a tree. Justin moved towards the man, ready to strike. He held out him arms in the air to show Justin he meant no harm, "I'm not a robber, kid. I-"
Justin quickly interrupted, "Boy? Kid? I see no boy here, little man. I'm a grown man," Justin boasted proudly, sticking out his chest.
The squat man looked Justin up and down, seeing that he might have an easy target on his hands, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry kid, I mean sir. I mean no disrespect sir. You see, I was kind of lost and I had stopped to...take a leak...behind that tree, see? Cause I've been walking for a real long time. I'm looking for the town of Merriville. Would you happen to know where I can find it? I'm Christopher Kirkpatrick by the way. And you are?" Christopher held his hand out for Justin to shake.
Justin stared at the proffered hand momentarily. He figured he could take the little man down if he had to, so he shook it. "Justin. And you're on the right road. Follow it through and you'll be there in about thirty minutes." Justin nodded to Christopher and began to resume his trail. Chris began to walk aside him.
"Thanks Justin. You're a real pal. You know, I just left the neighboring town, man. I sell these magic beans. I almost sold them out back there. See, these beans are the real deal. One bean planted can feed a family of twenty! I'm telling ya. You plant these babies overnight and by the morning, you can have hamburger trees and milkshake moats. All I got is ten left. Damn town nearly cleared me out." Christopher patted his breast pocket on his odd colored suit.
Justin stopped and stared at the elfin man with the weird goatee. Maybe he didn't have to go walk all the way to Merriville to get some food. "Really? Only ten left you say? Can I see them? They must be pretty expensive, little man."
Chris hurriedly pulled out a tiny box out of his breast pocket, seeing that Justin might be as big of a dope as he is arrogant, "Sure, sure, sure, sir. No problem. Now, don't the size fool you, they pack a might punch once their planted."
Justin snatched the ugly box, opened it and poured out ten of the ugliest beans he has ever seen. "You sure these are magic? I mean they-"
"Hey man would I lie? I swear on my father's name that these are magic beans. Why in fact my own family, which is hundreds in numbers, swears by them. They gave up yak herding and cattle raising just because of these wonderful, magic beans. And since your such a nice guy, I'll let you name a price" Christopher snickered inwardly, he'd give these beans for free to this idiot prick. Christopher hated to be called short.
Justin figured that if he bought the beans, his Mom would be so proud of him. Then they will have fields and fields of moats of milkshakes and hamburger trees. Then he would never have to go back to Merriville for food cause he'll has his own farm. Then maybe he can sell some food, call it 'Timberlake's TimberFood' or something with Timberlake in it. Move his Mom into to town and keep Bessie to give rides to the kiddies. "Hmmm...how much to take these off your hands, tiny squidget?"
Chris scowled briefly and then smiled, "How about one galleon?"
"Man all I got is 5 shillings? Is that good enough for two beans?"
"For you, I'll give you the entire package for five shillings, since you seem like a smart, nice young man."
"Really," Justin didn't have be told twice, he took the measly money out of his pocket. "Hey, thanks midget man." Justin quickly turned around and walked back home, down the road.
Chris smirked, "The pleasure was all mine, asshole. All mine." he muttered and made his way off the road, back into his hut in the woods to package more fake beans, he knew he should have upped the price for that jackass but he figured fooling the tall bastard was well worth it. "Huh, calling me squidget. I oughta squidget his ass."
Justin made his way back home that night, holding the box of beans, proud that he made an excellent deal with the tiny man. He shows his mother the beans, she looked at Justin as if he were crazy.
"And what do fucking expect me to do with those beans, boy?"
"Mom, these aren't just any beans, they're magic beans." Justin finished proudly.
Lynn blinked slowly, "Are you fucking stupid? You come back to my home, after you spent all of my savings, with ten scrawny beans. And spouting idiotic bullshit about the beans being magic! I ought to wring you goddamn neck! You no good of piece of- you're just like your good for nothing father," she smacked Justin's hand that was holding the beans. The beans flew out of his hands and out of the window, they fell into Bessie's grazing spot.
"Tomorrow you go to town Justin and find an apprentice. You are going to bring back real food. Do you hear me? None of this hocus pocus bullshit. Goodnight!" Lynn stormed into her bedroom/ dining room. Justin pouted, looked out of the window and then marched to his bedroom/living room/wash room.
"I'll show her. Tomorrow when we're munching on motherfucking hamburgers, she'll kiss my asshairs for buying the beans."
Justin went to sleep and dreamt about a nice piece of ass. An ass that definitely wasn't Ug's but was very perky. This ass made Justin's usual morning erection extra hard. There was no face to go with the scrumptious ass, just a warm golden glow and a sexy voice. Who owned this ass? And was the rest of this person as good as their backside? Justin grunted in frustration and dug his wood further into the mattress.
"Justin!"
"Oh yeah baby," Justin moaned in his sleep, "I...got...what you...want."
"Justin, wake up!"
"You want me to-"
"Justin!! Wake up, right now, damn it!!" Lynn slapped Justin on the back of his head. She had stood in Justin's bedroom/living room/wash room for five minutes, watching Justin dry hump his mattress.
"Whaa?" Justin groaned groggily and sat up in his bed, the covers bunched around his lower torso, his naked chest glistening damply from sweat. What was his mother pestering him about now?
"Get some clothes on, you lazy good-for-nothing!! And bring the axe!" Lynn stomped off and went to their kitchen/coat room/junk room/cabinet to wait for her son.
Justin grumbled under his breath and put his clothes on. He would whatever his mother wanted, so he could hurry up and go back to sleep. He went into the kitchen/coat room/junk room/cabinet and grabbed the axe off the wall. Justin yawned, "What's the problem, Mom?"
Lynn dragged Justin to the window and pointed outside, "This you fool! This is the motherfucking problem!"
Justin looked outside and then closed his eyes. He opened them again and stared in wonderment. "Oh shit," was all he could say at the moment.
Outside was the biggest weed Justin had ever seen. It more than filled the window's frame. Justin had to see the green giant up close, so he hurriedly ran outside. Lynn was close behind him.
"What in the hell is it?" The plant was about fifty feet wide and miles long in the sky. The plant surpassed the clouds.
"It's a beanstalk, stupid. I thought the beans were supposed to grow 'hamburger trees and milkshakes moats'? Huh, Justin? Where are they, huh? All we have now is a big ass weed, taking up poor Bessie's grazing spot."
"Moo," Bessie said, pissed that the only spot with good grass, was gone.
"Sorry, Bessie," Justin apologized to the cow.
"Not as sorry as your bubbled headed ass. Take a guess why I told you to bring the axe."
Justin stared at the plant in awe. His mother couldn't be serious.
"In case I have to spell it out for your simpleton ass, you're going to chop this useless beanstalk, off my property...TODAY!! I want it gone by sunset, you got it? I'm going into town. I need a fucking drink."
"It's barely sunrise, Mom. The town bar isn't open as yet."
"It'll be, when I get there. Get the fucking chopping!" Lynn headed to road going to Merriville, leaving Justin and Bessie behind.
Justin stared at the beanstalk for ten minutes and then swung his axe with all of his might. The axe head fell right off the stick and didn't so much as a scratch on the mighty beanstalk.
"Well ain't this a bitch?" he grumbled.
"Moo."
"Well, I have no axe. So I can't possibly cut it down."
"Moo."
"Well I don't want to face Mom when she gets home. What should I do?"
"Moo."
"How about I climb this here beanstalk? I mean she couldn't possibly find me then."
"Mooooooooo."
An Hour Later...
"Well let's see, Bessie. If I climb this here beanstalk to hide from Mom, do you think she will come up to find me?" Justin asked the black and white cow, as if she was going to answer. Bessie was tired of mooing, Justin asked too many damn questions and she was getting a bit tired off his simple ass.
"I don't know, girl. I mean it sure is along way to go, suppose I get tired and pass out. Or get hungry? Or thirsty? Maybe I shouldn't go up, huh girl?"
"Quit fucking stalling, you dumbass. Just fucking go! You're lucky I have goddamn hooves, 'cause I would have hefted my big ass up this green motherfucker a long time ago, you dumb fuck." Bessie argued.
Justin's eyebrows shot up, "Oh shit...Bessie you talk?!"
"Oh shit, you're fucking dumb," the cow deadpanned, "And no, I don't fucking talk. You numbskull, I'm part of your sub- Look, I don't have time to explain it to your ass. It'll take shitloads of eons, bitch."
"Huh?" Justin stared at the cow.
"Motherfucker, you are dreaming! Wake the fuck up and climb this here beanstalk before I eat you!" Bessie yelled.
"But cow's can't-"
"This cow will. WAKE UP, ASSHOLE!!"
Justin jolted up from his rather disconcerting dream and found Bessie licking his face. That was enough to scare the hell out of Justin and up the beanstalk.
Bessie watched her owner nimbly climb the beanstalk, putting ample distance between himself and the animal. Bessie smiled.
Justin put all of his might into climbing and after putting in an hour's worth of climbing, his muscles were ready to give up, so he stopped and rested on a stem. Justin closed his eyes for a few seconds...
"Hey there...sweaty man!" someone called out, in a deep voice.
Justin groaned, "I better not be dreaming again," he muttered to himself. He cracked one eye slightly open and saw a blonde man dressed in a potato sack, staring back at him. "Uh, hey." He opened his eyes in shock at seeing someone else on the stalk.
The blonde man looked Justin up and down as if Justin were his last meal, "Mmmm baby. My name is Lance and my sign is Taurus. Let's say we go hump like a walrus."
Justin looked Lance in shock and horror. He was still processing the terrible line. "Um, my name is Frank," Justin lied, "and where did you come from?"
"From the most sexiest part of heaven, of course, Mister Frank. But if you really want to know, I've been thrown out, tossed aside by Joseph the Fat for some new guy, a fucking anorexic, let me tell you," Lance moved closer to Justin on the stem, rubbing Justin's thigh as he talked.
Justin grabbed Lance's hand from gliding up farther his thigh, "Um let's just keep our hands to ourselves, okay? Who's this Joseph the Fat? And who exactly replaced you? I mean, for what exactly. I'm slightly afraid to ask, but what is it that you do, Lance?"
Lance purred, "Well, Frankie baby, Joseph the Fat was my…master, owner. He's a big hairy giant who lives up to his name. Honey, let me tell you, Joe loves his yak and I mean whole, horns and everything," Lance scrunched his face in disgust and then smacked his lips at Justin. "He's not too bright, sugar, and he has wicked possessive streak. Oh, he's horrendously jealous. No one could look at me directly when I first arrived. See, I was his 'perty lil' singsong bird'. I had to wear these so last season, gold macramé suits and play a harp. Some people have the weirdest fetishes. Have you ever seen a giant's cock erect? Made me wish I was little bit taller if you know what I'm saying," he winked nastily.
"This Joseph sounds like an interesting dude," Justin gulped, " Does this beanstalk lead directly to his home?" Lance nodded and licked his lips at Justin, "So you were basically his harp bitch?"
"Mmm…I can be your bitch, if you want me to. I'm so much better than that twig named Joshua. I can make whisky bottles disappear in my mouth," Lance lightly scratched Justin's arm with his fingers.
"You know what I'll take my chances," Justin quickly stood up and began his climbing up the extremely long, mean, green beanstalk.
Lance shrugged, "Suit yourself, big boy," he watched as Justin lifted his foot, preparing to climb, "Oh my goodness, you silly boy," he put his hand to his face, "are you actually preparing to climb this thing? That's so Archaic."
Justin scowled. He was annoyed by the blonde whorebag, "Uh, how else do you expect me to get to the top of this thing? Fly?"
"Well no, I would have taken the moving stairs."
"THE WHAT?"
"Well you see they are stairs that move in an upward direction. I mean there's a section that goes down and-"
"You mean I've been climbing this shit for nothing?!"
"Seems so, cutie pie. Why don't you go through this door here, seeing as I'm going there too," Lance tittered happily. He led Justin to the other half of the beanstalk and opened a door marked 'STAIRS", inside were two swirling staircases.
"Good luck, baby doll," Lance called out, Justin was sitting on the stairs moving upward, "Try not to make Joseph notice you. Wait until he's asleep before you go into his house. He might just eat you."
Justin stored that information in his mind and then shuddered. There were too many references made about him being eaten. He didn't think it was a great omen.
So Justin rode the mobile staircase for another hour. He had fell asleep during that time and woke up when he felt himself lying on the floor instead of stairs. He brushed himself off and opened the door marked 'EXIT'. The first thing that Justin noticed was a humongous stone castle surrounded by fields of clouds. Justin ran quite a distance until he reached the house.
Over the gargantuan front door was a hand scrolled sign stating that 'JOZEF DE FAT AN BRITTKNEE DE FAT LIV HERR'. Justin giggled and then stopped rather abruptly, seemed that the ink used was some animal's blood. Well, Justin hoped it wasn't human's blood or might have gotten himself screwed.
He easily slipped himself through the door crack and that everything was twenty times its usual size. Justin gulped; he thought that he was going to deal with a portly swine-like man, not an honest to goodness giant and his giant bitch. He was greeted by a gigantic kitchen table and stared at Joseph the Fat in all his big ass glory.
Joseph sat his table, hunched over something real shiny that was on the table. Justin could not see what is was but it seemed to have the wholly mammoth heavily occupied and slightly drooling. Justin tiptoed across the floor to the table and began to climb the table leg, not noticing what was making the giant drool.
"Sing it, singsong bird," Joseph stupidly smiled at the gazelle-like creature on the eating table.
The singsong bird was actually a man dressed in a golden thong, golden chaps, with golden highlights in his long, golden brown curly hair. The man whose real name was Joshua Chasez, was staring at the giant with boredom gleaming in his blue-gray orbs. Joshua wanted to be anywhere but here but he knew the routine and that Joseph would crack his skull if he ever thought he was leaving. Besides, Joseph kept him in a golden nightingale birdcage, only let Joshua out to change his clothes- in front of Joseph, and to play the harp and sing, for Joseph alone. Joshua regretted the day he fell asleep in the woods, months before. Joseph had seen Joshua and stole him and brought him to live in the golden cage in the giant's castle with Lance, the other occupant of the cage. Joseph grew tired of the sluttish blonde who kept trying to dry hump Joshua anytime he was left alone.
Joshua plucked the harp for the horny giant and sang the giant's favorite song- 'I'm a Little Teapot' with smutty words filled in. Justin tittered as he climbed the table leg at hearing Joshua sing a pornographic version of the childhood song.
Joseph rubbed his ten-foot long index finger across Joshua's backside as he sang. "Wish you was bigger, singsong bird. Make you sit on my lap. Have to wait for Christopher Kirkpatrick, the magics man, to give you growing beans an make you a giant likes me. Den I's gonna fucks you all day. You'se so sexy. I's gonna sticks my di-"
"Jozef! I's horny. Wants baby. Now fucks me!" bellowed Joseph's wife, Britney. She, too, was as big and as wide Joseph. She didn't know that her husband had perverted intentions with his 'singsong bird'.
"I's coming, Brittknee!" Joseph yelled at his wife. He picked up Joshua in his hand, brought the 'bird' up to his lips and licked Joshua's back. Joshua shuddered in revulsion but Joseph mistook the shiver as a sign of anxiousness.
"Soon, soon, singsong bird. I's secks you reals soon," the giant whispered as he placed Joshua in his cage. The giant locked the door and slipped the key on top of the bookshelf, which had only one shelf and held one book titled, 'How to read'- which was never used, obviously.
"Good and brings chickens. I's hungry," Britney called from their bedroom. Justin reached the top of the table and had hid in a crack when Joseph turned his head to look at Joshua, who was wetting his wash cloth in his golden water bucket and wiping his self down from Joseph's slobber. Joseph began to stare but Britney bellowed for her husband again.
Joseph left the kitchen albeit reluctantly to the cellar where the 'De Fat's stock their vast meat supply, to gather a few chickens to feed his wife.
Justin peeked his head out of the crack and saw that the coast was clear. He made his way towards the cage with the golden man's back facing him. Justin looked at the man's ass cheeks that were plumping out from the t-back. Justin would have known that ass from anywhere; it was the ass from his dream. This golden man was the ass from his dream. Justin knew that he was meant to be with this golden ass.
Joshua sensed a presence behind him but he figured that it was hornball Lance. "Look Lance I've told you many times before, I'm just not…" Joshua halted his 'no nookie from this cookie' speech when he noticed that it wasn't Lance. "Um, hey there, I'm Joshua."
Justin took in Joshua's golden streaked, curly hair and attire, and felt himself harden. "Damn baby you are so fine," Justin blurted out, he couldn't have kept it in if he tried. Joshua was too damn beautiful.
Joshua blushed, "Who are you? I doubt that Joseph kidnapped you, you don't seem like his type." He moved to the golden bars of the birdcage to get a closer look at Justin.
"Oh, I'm Justin and you, you're the man of my dreams…literally," he blushed, "You mean that giant ass motherfucker kidnapped you? I wish I were taller so I could kick Joseph's ass thoroughly. I mean, I can see why he would do it, you are working that thong. Damn you pack quite a package, Josh," Justin licked his lips.
Joshua watched Justin's tongue flick out his mouth and caress his rosebud lips. Justin knew that his audience enjoyed the show, Joshua's soldier was beginning to salute him in the gold thong. "So why don't you come out and play with me, baby?" Justin asked.
"I'd love to Justin but you see I'm locked in this mofo. Can you get the key and take me out here before Joseph comes? I want out of this shithole. I'm tired of this tacky gold getup. You won't believe some of the perverted shit I had to wear. We can play all you want after I'm out this cage," he pointed to the key, which was next to the dust-covered book.
Justin's hands were itching to run feel Joshua's body, so he hurriedly ran to the edge of the table and climbed onto the bookshelf. Justin got his hands on the keys but heard footsteps, giant footsteps and cowered behind the unopened book. It was Joseph, returning from the cellar with many whole chickens in his hands. He looked in the kitchen to spy upon his 'singsong bird' and saw his bird stare back at him in defiance. Joseph did not like that look so he stepped into the kitchen to take a closer look.
"Fee Fi Foe Fum, I's smells anudder man's bum," Joseph thought out loud after he picked another person's scent. He knew it wasn't his 'singsong bird'. He moved closer towards the bookshelf, where Justin was hiding but Britney, hungry and impatient and hungry, wailed for food and sex. And not in that order. Joseph ran out of the kitchen, to placate his wife.
Justin popped out from his hiding place and dragged the key to the cage. He paused from heaving the key into the lock when he felt the table shake and animalistic grunts. "Are we having an earthquake?"
"No, the Fats are going at it, either eating or having sex…sometimes both," Justin shuddered in disgust and turned the key into the lock. The door opened and Joshua happily stepped out into Justin's open arms.
"Yum…Yummy…Yumma, Yum Yum Yum, I can't wait to make you scream and cum," Justin whispered naughtily into Joshua's ears and brazenly put his fingers on Joshua's behind. Joshua curled into his rescuer's arms and sighed.
"We can't. Well, not now anyway, let's hurry out of here before Joseph's out of chicken or worse, he-" Joshua was drowned out by loud snores from the bedroom area.
"Looks like we have some time, what do you say to a little quickie?" Justin lightly stroked Joshua's straining erection under his thong. Joshua was letting Justin persuade him, so neither one of them knew that it was Britney who was snoring nor that Joseph had sneaked out of their bedroom to molest Joshua some more.
"You get off my sing song bird," Joseph fumed.
"That's what I was planning to do," Justin replied and grabbed Joshua's hand. He led them to the edge of the table and the two began to scurry down the table leg. Joseph, panting heavily already, ran to the table but lost sight of the couple after they leapt from the edge. He was befuddled for a few minutes, which gave the pair ample time to hightail it out of the castle.
The giant came of his ignoramus daze when he noticed golden sparkles glittering off of his 'singsong bird's' chaps. He jumped up and down and screamed in frustration, which woke Britney.
"Wat's goin on down dere, Jozef?" she sleepily called out. She didn't get an answer because Joseph ran out to catch the two runaways.
"Wait singsong bird. No singsong bird. You is bad singsong bird. I spanks you," he yelled at the running pair.
Justin and Joshua finally made their way to the green beanstalk and locked themselves inside. The two took the downward mobile stairs. Okay, at first Justin went on the upward moving stairs and panicked when he couldn't go down. Joshua helped direct Justin to right staircase.
"Thanks. Do you think that he's gonna eat us?" Justin asked worriedly.
"We'll see when we come out. It's not like Joseph could fit in here."
"Good point," Justin huddled close to Joshua. Then the two heard a loud crash and felt the beanstalk tremble.
"What was that?"
"Guess we'll find out if we make it out of here, Justin."
After a two-hour descent, the pair reached the end of the beanstalk. Joshua opened the door and found Joseph lying on the ground…dead. The loud crash was from Joseph. The giant determined to catch the two men, forgot to focus on where he placed his feet when climbing down the beanstalk. He tripped, fell and broke his fool neck…on top of Lynn, who died from the tonnage. Justin and Joshua tried to pull the woman's body out from under the giant and Bessie was so hungry, since she nothing to eat for the day, tried to chew a piece of the stalk. Alas, Britney, not finding her fool husband searched and searched and while searching the top of the beanstalk, tripped and fell to her doom…on top of the beanstalk and Bessie, crushing both.
Joshua and Justin had much beef to eat for days.
Lance, who was jerking himself off by the road, was picked up by Christopher and made into Chris's personal bean bitch.
Justin more than lived up to his promise to make Joshua scream and cum. The two sucked, licked, fucked, humped, rimmed, and blowed each other happily ever after…and into orgasmic oblivion.
The End