Not when you both joined *Nsync. He was your brother and sometimes, way back in the beginning, you would tell interviewers that he was your brother. You two were family in your book after all the things the two of you have been through from the Mickey Mouse Club to *Nsync and even now, yeah he was your family.
It wasn’t the time when you actually caught him looking at you with more than brotherly love in his eyes. Lord knows, you were happy to see your feelings reciprocated but that wasn’t the exact time.
Now you think that he thinks it was the first time you made love.
But it wasn’t.
You gave into his needs because you had been lusting for him for so long. So that night after you performed in Chicago, you grabbed his shoulders and kissed him in front of his hotel room door. You told him you needed him, you noticed him watching you for the past months and you were more than ready to give it to him. You made him think you were experienced but he was your first and, from that night all those years ago, your only. You thought it was so sweet that after your first week’s initiation into being a non-virgin you told him that he was your first and he apologized for not making it more special. It was very special to you otherwise there wouldn’t have even been a first time but the moment was right and you finally got him in your arms. So there were no regrets.
It wasn’t the time he threw you that surprise birthday party.
Because though the gesture was unexpected and secretly wanted, you wouldn’t have minded that night to have some alone time with your boyfriend. But then again you did get some alone time with him later that night and you could still come to this day from just thinking about it.
It definitely wasn’t the time he called you Justy. Oh how you loathed that frou frou, sappy assed nickname. And he knew it too but he called you Justy just to fuck with you. And sometimes late at night when he was drawing his loud ass snores next you, you would remember the stupid nickname and you cringed and giggled. He would call you that from time to time still but only to mess with you. Besides you’d call him Joshy and he’d shut his mouth cause he didn’t like that nickname at all. Nope the sugary name calling definitely wasn’t your deal.
And though he doesn’t know this, it wasn’t the first time that he told you that he loved you because though he was the man of your dreams and he proclaimed his love for you, you still felt that you were in a dream world and at any moment if you were to accept his claim or confess your love, the dream bubble would burst and you would be sucked back into the world that you called B.H., Before Him.
His corny jokes definitely did not make you get hot. His sense of humor or at times, lack thereof could be called at its best times- goofy and at its worst just plain not funny but hey he was your boyfriend and the two of you couldn’t be compatible in everything.
You take pride in not having the most conventional relationship. All of the time was not storybook perfect. You could admit it you were a jealous motherfucker. He couldn’t stand your ass at times and, shit, vice versa. You whined and complained. He bitched and moaned. He was childish at times. You were too possessive at times. He left your home late at night and never showed up for a day or two because he needed his alone time. Some days you wanted to stay every waking moment with him.
And on other days you would start an argument to see how far you could push him. Sometimes he never fell for your game and other times he couldn’t help but answer your acid tongue twice as acidly. And you loved to argue with him. You didn’t mind being told to shut up. It wasn’t like you were going to do it but still the sentiment was nice enough.
But you knew it before the night he threatened to leave, if you didn’t calm down and ease off with the smothering. You thought your heart stopped when he said those words to you. You begged and pleaded for him to stay. But he was afraid to leave you too but he didn’t know any other way to get through to you. You know that night made your relationship stronger than ever.
You knew it before you noticed that he got you. He actually got the crazy shit you would do and thought about, like dedicating an entire room to sleeping. He thought it was a great idea and went shopping with you to find a store that could make a mattress floor. He never thought any of your ideas too crazy and had patience when you sometimes went overboard.
And you definitely knew it before he stuck up for you at that Beverly Hills party. Some bitch tried to feel up on you and you weren’t having it and silently brushed her off. She got her feelings hurt and called you a “pussy assed fag”. And you were stunned and before you could open up your mouth to retaliate, your boyfriend came out of nowhere and ripped her a new asshole. You couldn’t have been any prouder that day but you had a feeling that he would prove you wrong.
So when was it?
When was the exact time that you knew, you just fucking knew?
You smile as you recall the precise time. It was a morning, many, many months ago and you got up by sunrise. Early morning riser you were not but you got up to make coffee, which you didn’t drink much. So you rose from your warm bed and glanced at your sleeping lover, closing his drooling mouth without even looking at him as you scratched yourself. You moved out of you bed as quietly as you possibly could without waking the sleeping man and padded to your kitchen.
You stood in front of the coffee maker, shivering from the cool air, dozing off in front of the machine. You got the big mug and filled it with the hot java. You dumped two and a half teaspoons of sugar and doused the coffee with a lot of half-and-half, just the way he liked it.
You tiptoed out of the kitchen and up the stairs, moving carefully. You did not want to scald your bare toes or stain your carpet. You walked back to the bedroom and watched the sunrays bounce off his tousled head. His mouth was reopened and he sucked all the air he could get in one breath as he slept and you smiled as you heard him exhale heavily.
You crept to the bed, placed the steaming mug on the table by his side of the bed and shook his shoulder. Before he opened his eyes you knew his eyes were going to be a light shade of gray until he focused on you. Then he would smile a small smirk and sniff the air cause he smelled the heady coffee aroma. His eyes would turn to a darker hue, to a light blue- more on the powder blue side and sparkle. And when he opened his eyes sure enough he did everything you knew he would do, even down to the groggy “Hey Baby”. Your toes curled when you heard that sexy morning voice.
And then it hit you like a ton of cement bricks.
You fucking knew how his eyes would change color first thing in the morning and what color fit what mood.
You knew that three sugars would be too much and two sugars wouldn’t be enough to sweeten his coffee.
You held your breath, you couldn’t seem to remember to draw air as you looked into his drool covered face.
You got the fuck up in the morning to make him coffee and the simple “Hey Baby” made your day.
Right now.
Right fucking now.
This was it. Out of all the times it could have happened to you, it was at that precise moment when you fell in love with him. When you knew you were ready to let this man all the way inside to the deepest part of your soul and inner realm.
“I love you.” You whispered for the first time, stared at him with wonder filled eyes and watched, as his eyes grew even bluer.
“And I love you.” He smiled and kissed your hand. And you nearly fucking fell to the floor as you breathed out cause you both meant it and this was what you waited for.
So now, as you recall that day, you smile and bask in the glow. The door to the right of you opened and in he step, your love. It sounded cheesy in your mind but hey that’s what he was.
“Josh,” you called out and sat up on the hotel couch. You didn’t see him as much as you wanted to and already finished your tour but his schedule and your schedule never seemed to cooperate and give you two time. But he came today to see you, he made time and you canceled a few interviews. He dropped his bag next to you and snuggled you just how you liked it. You squeezed him and buried your face in his sweet smelling hair, your soul satiated finally because the phone calls and emails weren’t cutting it. His presence, however, was.
“I missed you too Justin.” He told you in your ear.
You smiled cause you didn’t say a thing and he knew what you were feeling. You needed this and needed him more than anything in the world. From that moment and probably before that morning too but it didn’t matter cause you realized that he was the one that made you whole.
The End