V

They hadn't seen each other again. Not until this moment in the club. Days and months had gone past after the incident and Schuldich had become seriously ill. The affair with Aya had wounded his already scattered soul to such a degree that it'd caused a strong, new paranoia to form. Bringing sleepless nights and angst with it. He'd started to doubt his own abilities. Aya had ripped him from his throne of cold superiority. His usual arrogant pride and trust that his mind games could conquer any enemy, remove any obstacle from his way, was gone. He'd started doubting himself on missions, deadly afraid that someone would see his weakness...use his own mind against him like Aya had but with far more dreadful results. And he feared them, because he wanted to live now. He wanted to live and that as well was somehow connected to Aya, but he didn't want to know how...

The purple pills he took increased their number. Raw fear he hadn't felt since childhood had taken control of his mind. And the emotions...emotions came running back from their cold prisons, left him nothing more than a shivering wreck, afraid to face his own shadow. He made mistakes on missions, small ones, easy to cover up, but still...not like him. He slipped, lost control. Doubt was juggling with his mind. Playing with the thoughts inside....

And Aya. Aya hadn't come back, which was just as well...confirming all his half-coherent suspicions. He still didn't know the exact purpose of this...unusual seduction, but whatever it was his plan had worked. Schuldich was useless as an enemy. Soon just as useless as a killer. He took no pride and no pleasure in his job anymore. It was grey and lifeless as his heart. Everything had turned dark and meaningless. He went through the nights on autopilot. Afraid that it would be the last. That his days would be out and that he'd never see...the one who's name was never spoken, never fully formed in his mind.

He'd been there a couple of times. Staring at his building from a distance. Aching heart, but no anger...anger took too much energy. And that was something he'd sorely lacked those days. It was a death wound, he knew, the one he had gotten from Aya - still he couldn't blame the other man. Couldn't blame him, for the pleasure had somehow been worth it. He couldn't help but thinking of it as a gift rather than an attack... His mind was falling to pieces... He knew it. Schwartz knew. His fits of anger, the madness that followed his slips, when the voices flooded his mind without mercy, became stronger more violent and the amount of strength that had somehow guided his madness, allowed him to escape it without getting lost, failed him as well. He had passed the breaking point, falling fast without any hope for return. Only the memory of that night had held a glow. Reached through the seeping death that slowly consumed him. Added some fuel to the pale, shivering fire that still kept him going.

Eventually he'd quit. Left Schwartz before they decided to make him and probably kill him in the process. He'd gone back to Europe. Walked those old streets again. Traveled Germany and Poland, stayed in England for a while. Still his insides were consumed by dry rot. A stifling pain that never ceased its hold. He'd been a dead man, an empty shell of nothingness, filled with voices - but none of them his own.
He should have cursed Aya, but didn't. When the blackness of his own eyes met him in the mirror, the dead voids of empty green greeted him, he could blame no one. It meant nothing, the how's and whys were just words. Death held no mercy. As life held no peace. He didn't even bother to choose death before life. He just *was*. A hollow, shadowy existence. An alien walking the earth.

After seven months in living hell a sudden, unexpected job offer brought him back to Japan. Back to a sort of life as well, and closer to a dream he didn't dare to dream... A former client with a paranoia that could rival Schuldich's own offered him a position as head of his bodyguards. He'd seen and been impressed by Schuldich's abilities and saw the benefits of having a mind reader among his staff. It didn't hurt that he was a well-trained killer either; even if the job was blissfully free of anything of the sorts...The old man was hospitalized now. No danger for his life but it gave Schuldich a nice vacation. The life at the old man's court could be dreadfully boring. But the job had put him back together again, given him a focus he had missed. Slowly the shattered pieces had gathered themselves back together. The essence of what had been him, Schuldich, had slowly started to pour forward, seeped out of his hidden core and into his being. Filled him up with what was him once more. He had almost forgotten Aya. New layers had formed and covered the wounds. Stopped the bleeding that had slowly been killing him, thrown him out in madness...But now he was back, slicing him open. Scratching at his scars with his mere presence. Aya was there and jaded as he was, Schuldich still appreciated his new existence and feared for it now, faced with the enemy of his existence.

"What do you want Aya?" he repeated, rested his forehead in his hands.

"You know you can have those removed these days," Aya motioned to the one time blue, now faded to purple mark on his shoulder. "Why haven't you gotten rid of it?" he asked and buried his gaze in Schuldich's.

"Why bother?" Schuldich answered in a tired voice. "Maybe it's a reminder," he continued. " So I won't fall into that trap again...I look at it and remember my defeat," he said, much more honest than he'd planned. "It's healthy, I won't forget..." He trailed off, his gaze drifting away from Aya, his hand closing around the glass again. He lazily caught the waiter's eyes, nodded once and lifted it off the table. The youth nodded back and headed for the bar. Soon he would bring another purple dream. A cool, soothing potion that would calm his mind.

The image of himself trailing the pattern in front of the mirror at night flashed through his mind. He trailed the ink ornaments and through of the night he'd belonged to Aya...Never forget, yes...but the price...

"Oh, I thought..." Aya started. "I thought maybe... I don't know, it's silly," he burst out, emptying the drink in his hand.

"What?"

"Omi told me," Aya said, his voice slightly blurred with alcohol. "That he'd seen you, about a year ago... and that you'd had my name written on your arm... He thought you were in love with me..." Aya smiled.

Schuldich didn't reply.

"If it was so," Aya continued. "If you... back then... I... well, it probably wouldn't have made any difference..." he mused. "But were you?" He suddenly asked. "I'd like to know..." he trailed off.

Schuldich smirked. Let the boy have it, he thought. He asked, so why not? What was left to lose anyway?

"Yes..." he said and made small circles with the glass on the table, unwilling to meet Aya's eyes. Left a moist trail on the dark wooden surface. "I guess I was pretty crazy about you..." he said at last. Lifting his gaze to meet Aya's. Looking for a reaction of disgust or loathing on the other man's features.

"But you tried to kill me!" Aya burst out. "So how can that be?" he continued, bewilderment shining through the surface. Utter surprise, honest and true.

"And you..." Schuldich replied. " What did you aim at? Whatever it was, you did your job well," he continued. Couldn't keep the old frustration from coloring his voice. "Whatever it was you did, you did it damned well...I hope your purpose was worth it," he finished his sentence. Gaze back resting on the table. He hardly noticed when the waiter came with his drink. Aya took care of it though. Paid the man and ordered another one. When Schuldich looked up he noticed a strange expression on Aya's face. Something almost angry... and shockingly vulnerable. So unlike Aya's icy mask. The stern expression that still sometimes haunted his dreams.

"Did it ever occur to you," Aya said after a moment that seemed to last forever. "That when I came to claim you that night, it was for my own sake, alone..." he said in a dead voice.

Schuldich laughed bitterly. It was the first thought he'd discarded as impossible. If Aya's word implied what he thought they did. But of course they didn't...-couldn't.

"And what did you get from it?" He asked. " Sated your twisted needs? Your perverted desires? Sleep with the devil...make him want you so badly he...." His voice had risen as he spoke and reached a peak before he abruptly broke off. Anger and shame... bitterness, welled up. He wanted to scream, but didn't have the energy. He wondered what he was doing there... and why he hadn't killed the man years ago.

"So badly he, what?" Aya's voice was calm. Cool eyes measured him, drove him nuts.

"Nothing..." Schuldich muttered. Had already said enough.

"It was just...love, Schuldich," Aya said. "Nothing to be so upset about," the former prince of shut off emotions spoke.

"And if you work with a psychic, a freakish teen and... Farfarello, even the most common emotions become something strange..." Schuldich replied with a sudden insight. "But I never said I... loved you." He added. "Just that I had a... want...." He drank deeply from his glass.

"And I wanted *you*," Aya said softly. "Call it twisted but I did..." He received his drink from the waiter and lifted it to his lips.

"Why?" Schuldich said dryly. Voicing the question that had been bugging him ever since the first vision at the racing field.

"Look into me," Aya said after a short break. Daring him with his eyes to have a peek inside.

"No..." Schuldich protested.

"Please..."Aya added and broke him down with a simple word. Without thinking he delved inside Aya's mind. Recognized the old press and the basement. The scene in front of him as the one. What he didn't see as familiar was the angle. And the body twitching beneath him. The surging heat, the unbearable tightness that embraced his cock and drove him mad. The man under him parted his lips. A strong angled face glistening with perspiration. He was wetting his lips while making enthusiastic sounds of pleasure, urging him on. His eyes shone like polished pieces of jade under his lashes, his hair fell around him in cascades of fiery reds. His pale skin looked almost translucent in the dull moonlight. His lean body was firm and strong, arching against his own with powerful movements. His hand was wrapped around a shiny cock, pumping it in time; strands of white moist covered his fingers, fed his hungry gaze with his want. The beautiful man twitched violently and screamed Aya's name. The wild sensuality he held more apparent now than ever before. Raw and mighty upon his features as he sent hot spurts of liquid across his stomach, made his own body reach a peak of mind shattering ecstasy. Completion. A whole. A happy, joyous release as he spilled himself in the man that he'd wanted so. The green-eyed ruler of all his carnal desires.

"Aya..." Schuldich shook his head to let the image go. He was stunned, yes. Shocked, but curiously so... Still he couldn't help a happy smile from curving his lips, probably made him look like an idiot..."Aya, I'm crazy," he said at last. "I'm a blood lusting maniac...a freak." He shook his head again in disbelief. "You should have someone like... Yohji Kudo... Why don't you fuck him? He's beautiful enough..."

"I wanted you," Aya said simply. "And as for bloodlust... I think I could beat any Schwartz to the prize..." He smile slightly, almost sad.

"You were sated then, " Schuldich managed to keep his voice under control, although his insides were a brewing pit of violent emotions. "That's why you left me alone after that?" He hadn't meant to ask; still the words came tumbling out.

Aya smiled a sad smile.

"You never came to me," he said. "I thought I'd done my part... forcing you... almost." He sighed. "I do have my pride, Schuldich. I won't scream and beg..."

The answer caught him by surprise. It was hard to believe. To accept... Aya shook his head on the other side of the table. In an impulsive gesture his hand came down to cover Schuldich's. The contact between their skins caused a mild dizziness, a small star to burst.

"If I hurt you, I'm sorry..." Aya's gaze rested in his.

"So am I," Schuldich replied, but didn't know if he was talking to himself or to Aya.

Aya's eyes flickered, made him look almost insecure. He wetted his lips in a nervous gesture.

"If I asked you, would you come with me?" he asked at last.

Schuldich looked away. Trembling fear swallowed his newfound seeds of joy.

"...no..." he said and continued to look away. Aya's hand on his was a burning presence. A thrilling sensation in it's own right.

"...And if I told you to?" Aya's voice sounded again.

"...yes..." Schuldich heard himself answer, but didn't dare to meet the other's eyes.

"Good," a smile and relief in Aya's voice. "Come with me then," he said and squeezed his hand lightly.

Schuldich sent him a suspicious look, but not an entirely serious one. Something he couldn't name bloomed inside. A mixture of relief, anticipation, lust and happiness that mingled with the traces of fear. Was he really to have it again? Have him, - and this time for real? No doubts. No humiliation... no anger... No fear.

Aya rose from the table. Removed his hand from Schuldich's as he did. Left a naked, cold spot where his hand had lingered. Schuldich hesitantly rose as well. His eyes moving over Aya, unable to hold still. He waited for him to change his mind... laugh maybe... But Aya just smiled, his eyes reflected the same lust as they did back then. Glittering gems of passion.

*Please don't hurt me*

The voice had ripped free from him. Strangely desperate and childlike. Out of nowhere, the depths he never touched. It came as scream, a strangled plea and reached Aya in the same instant.

"No..." Aya said in a low voice before Schuldich had time to think. Time to be afraid or embarrassed. "Don't be afraid... I won't." Aya's hand closed around his wrist and motioned him towards the entrance. Closing off the purple tide.


Epilogue
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