The Story of Me
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I am now 33 years old, I left my abuser nearly 6 years ago. I still have nightmares and I still want to run from someone who isn't there any more to run from. I got marrried to him when I was 18, he was the first man ever to ask me out on a date. Not only was I very naive in the dating world, I was running from my mom and the strict household rules that I thought she had in place. Hindsight is so very 20/20 isn't it? Life was good for the first 2 years or so, I got pregnant after 6 mos. of being married, the timing wasn't the best, but I was blessed with my oldest daughter. Around the time she turned 2, she started showing signs of being sexually molested. Me, never being exposed to this kind of thing and not having much experience with little kids, (Poor Amanda, she was as much my teacher as I was hers) thought the behaviors she was exhibiting were normal, though my mother kept insisting they were not. My ex-husband kept providing me with all kinds of psychology books that stated her behavior was normal. (Very Freudian books, I should add)...Of course, I can't blame the books either, he only allowed me to read the highlighted areas. Which at the time, I thought he was only being nice, but now I know it was manipulation. When Amanda was 4, I found out that I was pregnant with her little sister. When Amanda started kindergarten, Ashley was just a few months old, and we were also celebrating the graduation of my ex from paramedic school. A few months later, we were overjoyed that he had gotten a job with the local county paramedic office, which was supposed to mean that I could finally stay home with my girls and not have to work outside the house anymore. That lasted for 2 months, then we moved from the house we had lived in to a house in town due to the fact that he had to be 5 minutes away from the EMS station. The house we had lived in was my parents and as a favor to me and the kids, so we weren't paying rent. Of course at the new house, that changed and I had to go back to work, leaving him with the girls most of the time when he
wasn't working. To make a long story short, my mother was so concerned about me that
she and my father went into the house that we had lived in. My father ended up
finding some very disturbing photographs, which he gave to our local sheriff's department. They in turn, were granted a search warrant for both the houses. When the search warrant was finished, they had found stacks of pornography, a video tape of me being raped while I was drugged, and him, molesting a friends little girl.
During the time of our marriage, my ex mother in law was vary supportive of me and my
efforts to better our lives, she watched the girls for me nearly anytime she
was asked to, she loaned us money when she had it...etc. But once her son was found guilty of molesting her granddaughters (yes that’s right, both of them, Ashley wasn't even
a year old) she dropped off the face of the earth. My oldest daughter, Amanda, up till
about 3 years ago, always asked about her other grandmother, we finally just told her
that her grandmother was just as sick as her bio father had been. My ex is now serving
up to 30 years in prison for a combination of the molestation and obstruction of justice,
he snuck off with some child pornography in his duffel bag the day of the search warrant
and hid it at work. The cleaning company found it 9 months later shortly after I had given birth to my son, (I found out I was pregnant with him the day of the search warrant), so they added 23 years to his original sentence. (He only received 7 for the child molestation). I was so traumatized by all this happening at once, I was charged and pled guilty to child endangerment, the sheriff's office and DA seemed to think I knew more about what was going on than I did. I let my parent's adopt the kids, I still get to see them, but I needed to get my life back together and I didn't want to mess theirs up anymore than I was feeling I already had. (Now I know it was him and not me that messed them up) I have since remarried to a very good guy, who is very supportive of me and my efforts...bless him, the first 6 mos. or so I was still suffering from major PTSD and kicked him out of bed almost every night, running away in my sleep. But he stayed, he loves the kids, and since they are with my parents, he's called Uncle instead of step-dad. I just want to say that for all I've been through, I know I'm a much stronger person, and you will get there to. I still have bad days, but we all do. We just have to consider ourselves sisters and brothers in our situations and do what we can to help each other get out of harms way.--Mac
Email: macwriter1972@gmail.com
