Author: Dazzling
Email: glitter_and_glam@hotmail.com
Disclaimers: ::laughs:: Yeah, right. If I owned them, you think they'd be in the whole Renee-Mic deal? Not even. Song's not mine either, it belongs to either Trisha Yearwood or LeAnn Rimes, whoever you like better.
Summary: Harm has a little pondering session about his feelings for Mac. A short, sweet fic told from Harm's POV.
Distribution: If you'd really want it. Just put my name on it and tell me where it's going.
Reviews and Feedback: It's what I live for. Well, that and chocolate.

HOW DO I LIVE?

I never thought I'd feel this way, especially not about her. We were only supposed to be friends, colleagues, partners. She wasn't meant to be the one I thought of every night, as I lay alone in bed. But she is. She's everywhere, all around me - in my head, in my mind...and in my heart.

'How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?'

Sarah. That name is such sweet music to my ears, as is her beautiful voice. When she speaks, the sound captures me, taking me to a place I never thought I could be. Images are created in my head of all the things I'm not meant to think about her. Like what I'm thinking now. Everything, every fibre of my being, every thought in my mind, is filled with her.

'Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life'

Oh, I've hidden my feelings from her. I've become an expert in creating a mask to hide the truths I can't bring to reality. In the five or so years we've worked together, I've never let my love for her show. It's my own version of hell, watching her every day, and knowing that she doesn't feel the same things for me that I do for her. Knowing that I can't tell her any of this. I can't tell her how every time I see her, a feeling shoots through me I never knew could exist. I can't express how beautiful she is to me, no matter what she looks like. I can't, because she had Brumby.

'And tell me now
How do I live without you, I want to know
How do I breathe without you, if you ever go?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Ah, Brumby. The man who has given Sarah everything I never can. I don't hate him. I try to, but I can't, for if she is happy, I am happy. But every time I see them together, with every touching little display of affection between them that I witness, I chastise myself for waiting five years to realize what I do know. How did I live, knowing that this incredible, amazing woman was right there in front of me?

'Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There'd be no light in my life
There'd be no world left for me'

Sometimes, when I'm really down about my situation with her, I'll imagine what life without her would have been like. No going into work every day to be greeted by her gorgeous smile and sarcastic wit. No risking life and limb together, all in the name of law. I usually stop myself after that, for it gets too painful to think about. I don't think I could live without her in my life, one way or another. I don't know how I'd cope without her.

'Oh and I, baby I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life'

I know that I have put her through her share of hell. Leaving for Pensacola was one of the most selfish things I have ever done. The look on her face that day broke my heart, as did her tears. Yet she has stuck by me through everything, and I admire her endlessly for that. I've told her that, but I cannot tell her how much I love her for it as well. Every move she makes, every thing she does only makes me love her more, and with it, tears me up all the more inside as I silently rehearse the speech I will never deliver to her.

'And tell me now
How do I live without you, I want to know
How do I breathe without you, if you ever go?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?'

So, I guess I'll just sit by and be happy for her if she decides to marry Brumby. Deep down, a part of me hopes against hope that she is just filling time until I confess to her, but I cannot deny the way they look at each other. I'll bury my feelings, as I have done for so long now, and be her best friend and nothing more. I'll fantasize only to myself as I lay in bed alone at night, dreaming of a day that will never arrive. I will never tell her just how special she is to me, and the extent of my love. But as much as I dream, and wish, and hope, and pray, I'm not sure how much longer I can go without her in my life in that way. I'm not sure how I'll live.

'Please tell me baby, how do I go on?
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything, I need you with me
Cause baby don't you know that you're everything real in my life?
And tell me now
How do I live without you, I want to know
How do I breathe without you, if you ever go?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?'

FIN