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wTuesday, July 01, 2003 |
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man............... it got deleted. but i feel terrible. i wish i had friends. maybe i do. but i seriously feel like i have no friends. no one wnats to hang out with me and such. oanh was supposed to come over tomorrow. but instantly she said she couldnt because kim's coming over. Tiffany said she's coming over too. BUT no! she can't either. How ironic. DAMN IT! i swear i have no friends. it's depressing. i feel so bummed. i feel so dejected. got my hopes up twice..to only be turned down both times.
Everyone is so busy with there life. they actually have things to do.. i feel so god damn stupid for dropping summer school. why the hell. my godfjaslkf. i hate myself sometimes. all i ddid in the past fuckin week was sit around doing absolutely nothing. maybe i do deserve mimi talking shit about me. who the hell gives a crap? i was so happy at the beginning of summer. i thought i actually had a friend who i was gonna hang out with. BUT NO, she's too busy. damn. i sound so fuckin sad. but shit! i cant stand another day by myself. especially after thinkign it was gonna be with a friend or two.. DAMN. i was even asked to go out with some of my other 'friends' but i said no because they were coming over.. turns out i was wrong. does anything in this world turn out right for me! i mean i swear.. no one cares about me. no one cares about how my summer goes but one person. and i'm such an idiot. that i treat that person like crap.. i ono. i wish i had friends.. it might make thinks easier to cope. wait scratch that. if i had friends, i wouldnt be going through this >=|
posted by
sandy mack at 1:12 AM
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wMonday, June 30, 2003 |
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doo doo doo. I don't know what's been going on recently. I mean of mines and Andrews relationship. It seems like we're more than just simple friends. Anyone can tell you that we seem like we're a couple, but i just don't know what to say about that. Two days ago at around 10 pm, he called to ask if i wanted to go eat pho with him and his family. Obviously, i couldnt it was too late. The following day, he said he was planning on calling me to go out to eat again but he forgot my number. The same night he asked to go out to eat, he asked me AGAIN if i wanted to go to LA/Disneyland with him and his family. I've given it some thought. I would at least consider asking my parents if someone else was coming, ie: Brian. But it'll be weird. Me, him, and his family..what would happen? i strictly want us to be friend..or so i think.
Another topic in my head..
School has only been over for two weeks. But i'm already thinking about highschool =/ I wonder how i'm actually gonna do. Should i run for class office.. or just be a regular student with lesser responsibilities? If i don't run, i sure would be letting a lot of people down. But i really don't know if i want to, i mean, i doubt i would even win. So many people are confident of what i can do, why am i not confident in myself?
YET again another topic..
i've been feeling lonely. VERY lonely. Maybe the first two weeks were just simply comforting. always going out and always having others come by to visit and hang out. The past like.. 4 days i guess. I've been stuck in this house doing absolutely nothing but reading and chatting >=| I guess i really am not gonna see tiffany, oanh, brian, and them this much over summer as i hoped. it's weird. So far into summer, i've only talked and hang out with them. What happened to Liana and them? i went to stephanies house. i'm not sure how things are gonna be between me and her. i can't believe she's going to evhs. I really do wonder how things are gonna be next year. Who am i going to hang out with? the sophomores, tiffany and them, or liana and them? i guess.. Time can only tell. and we shall see
posted by
sandy mack at 7:47 PM
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wFriday, June 27, 2003 |
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Another day in summer. Big woop! damn.. i'm starting to have regrets that i did quit summer school after today. All i did was sit around, stand around, or walked around. Nothing more. It was pretty sad. And effing Ly..damn i'm gonna hurt her one day, hella frikken annoying. I dont know why i care so much about today. I remember last year, each day was practically like this. But then again, this summer started out so differently. I just simply dont know.. i feel lonely and rejected in a sense. i just dont know..... i spend all of my day alone (or as alone as can be) talking to a damn computer. i want to go out. i DO go out..but i think i just feel lonely. Everyone has one person they can talk to, can hang out with, confide in and everything. i THINK i have a person. and its Andrew. But i'm just not sure. I used to like him, but i dont think i do anymore. Recently, he seems like he likes me though. I DONT KNOW. DAMN THIS WORLD.
posted by
sandy mack at 1:09 AM
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wTuesday, June 24, 2003 |
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i quit summer school about a week ago. oh gee golly...not like i have any regrets. that place was frikken hell. 7 hours a day with a whacked geometry teacher who teaches about lfe! what the hell.. i went through 2 whole days of it and simply said this is enough. i cant take another err 26 days of this crap. and i got to quit. thank goodness. oh how my summer has improved drastically since i stopped on the third day of our joyous summer. on the third day, tiffany, oanh, and nhan all came over just to hang out for a little while. but then again, tiffany and oanh stayed for a few hours and decorated my room. it looks pretty coool. Oanh has one wall while tiffany has the other. TIffany's wall isnt quite finished yet though. she said she'll finish it this week. It's only been a week and a half of summer, and i already can tell it's going to be better than last summers. I mean, already ive gone out to peoples house and others have gone to mind practically every other day. it's GREAT. today, we went over tiffanys house to watch a movie. the movie was kinda whack but it's okay. Then afterwards Tiffany and I walked back to my house and stayed there for a little while talking. Tiffany made me realize i might be popular. Everyone says so. Everyone looks up to me and talks about me like i'm godly and i dont understand it. But maybe i am a little popular, a little smart, a little good at sports. who knows?! Oh man, i'm what we call a freshman. WHY!! but then again, it doesnt seem that bad. I just really dont wanna be the lowerclassmen again. but it's only for a year and then we'll be able to pick on the next years freshmens. =) i think i'm pretty prepared considering i havent asked people that much about highschool. i've got my schedule squared away. Late last week i went to change my schedule. had to change three of my classes. the people in silver creeks office are nicer than the ones at chaboya. but then again. there was this real bitchy lady. the old book lady. but at least now she's in the office. i guess that's good. Tomorrow i'm out to silver creek to play badminton with tiffany, oanh, and nhan AND cindy. WHOO! can't wait. until next time.
posted by
sandy mack at 6:58 PM
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wFriday, May 09, 2003 |
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doo doo doo. schools over in a month and half. amazing. oh boy, i'm going to summer school. JOY TO THE WORLD. i shouldn't be complaining though. it's not like anyone forced me to. it's my option to go or not. and being the idiot i am, i'm choosing to go . hahaha.
posted by
sandy mack at 1:02 AM
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wSunday, April 06, 2003 |
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Amazing. It actually has not been that bad of a year. I mean, there is only 2 months remaining in the school year. It's still shocks me. What happened this year? All i know is that a lot has happened, but i just cant quite remember it. But i know i have changed from the experiences this year. I've made new friends, got closer to some friends. And then there are those, that i can hardly stand anymore. Man, whatever happened to the carefree Sandy? She disappeared. I really dont know just don't know what happened this year. Last year, we swore we wouldnt be like the 'asian crew'. We swore we were different, that we were actually friends. You should never swear on anything you're not sure of. I mean, wow now not only do we have an 'asian crew' but we also have a fob squad. haha. funny name..But truthfully, i feel as if the split were for the best. Why would you want to deal with people you dont have to? There are those who say the only reason why we don't want to return is because of Amanda and Sarah. I, personally, think it's more than that. I really dont believe those two people can have such a huge impact on everyone. From the way we act all the way to the way we dress, we are conspicuously different. I wonder, how we lasted as long as we did. In the middle of the year, I was kinda distraught over who i should hang out with. Clearly, i have made the right decision. Each morning, day, and afternoon, i hang out with the same people. and its great. It finally feels like i belong. I dont even understand why i was distraught about hanging out with 'them'. All they ever bring is drama. oh how fun that can be! I've finally found the meaning of true friends. They are those who stay with you through thick or thin, those who put up with you no matter what, those who dont judge you, and those who do not talk crap about you. With this said and done, I am certain ive made the right choice by leaving the so called 'asian crew'. But now, i wonder why people even care. If we're happy with where we are and who we hang out with, why change it. Thats the thing. The fob squad is happy with who they hang out with. But not the 'asian crew'. They are too melodramatic. Doesnt matter.. I dont even consider those who hang out over there friends.
Silver Creek here i come. Only a few more months until i and the others go to highschool. Luckily, those who i hang out with are going to sc with me. score! those melodramatic fools are going to evhs and to stay. I hope i made the right decisions choosing the classes that i did. It's weird. Highschool a whole new start. And i choose to have a hard start. I wanna be ahead. and i still dont understand why. I"m taking math classes over summer to have algebra 2. I'm planning on taking Okano. ANd i'm planning to take the tests to skip is 1 and 2. but the question is why? i dont know..
Hmm..who do i like? who do i like..? I THINK i like andrew. but then again he likes all these other girls that i'm friends with. The other person i may like his anthony. But he likes other people too. i'm just one of those people that are not made for a relationship, because no on likes me. sad i swear to god. that is hella sad.
posted by
sandy mack at 2:44 PM
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wSaturday, January 18, 2003 |
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I don’t know anymore. Everything is so frustrating now.. I mean, I think I am actually jealous of how things went last year. Maybe this year isn’t that bad, but so far the past week has been pretty damn terrible. Perhaps im just simply going insane because of the boredom without internet. But hey, to give myself credit…things have been pretty frustrating I guess.
I remember how last year, Cindy found out my method to how I see things. For example, she brought up that during the elections I always said I was going to lose. But deep down inside of me I had no doubt that I was going to lose. And Cindy noticed this and assumed the way I live life is that I assume the worst, knowing the worst would at the least happen. Evidently, when the incident occurs and it isn’t as bad I as assumed, I would have appreciated things a lot more. Ironic as it may be, the past few days or rather a week has been worst then I imagined it to be. Because of how things have been recently, I think, I’m actually reaching a point of depression or boredom. There’s no difference between those two phases for me.
Being depressed or at least thinking I am depressed, by far, has been one of the most difficult phases in my life. It’s even more depressing knowing that I have no one to talk to about the way I feel. Maybe I am a little exaggerating… because I know that I have ONE person to talk to. Where would I be without Cindy?
Recently, I’ve been isolating myself from everyone. I don’t know why… all the people I use to be able to talk to are just losing contact with me. I’m seeing the hidden characteristics of friends that I know. Considerably, I know everyone has different faces. For example, in school I know others can be incredibly smart and once outside of school, they can be the most illogical person in the world. But that’s not my point.
It sure is sad how my social life is based on the Internet. I mean, I’m not able to talk the freshmen that attend creek now because, well how would I? And seventh graders…seventh graders. I remember last year, I thought about making friends with seventh graders, but not the point where I’m depressed about them not caring for me. As cheesy as that may seem, its true. I’ve been considerably depressed…sadly, none of my “friends” noticed though. Well, not none. Overall today, I think about 3 people noticed I wasn’t acting like myself. Thanks to those three. How ironic as it can be, I don’t even hang out with those people. An occasion hi here and there, and a little chat, but that’s it.
It is just my day to ramble on and on. To seriously think about what a friend is, is a difficult task to conjure. Personally, the basis of any friendship is trust. I only trust a few people…out of the many people I know. Those many people I know, are considered to be my friends…but how am I friends with these individuals who don’t hold my trust. Maybe I over-think the idea of being friends…but that’s how I am…its only been half the year and im already losing friends. I mean luckily these individuals aren’t eight graders at least, but seventh graders. But damn! These 7th graders mean a lot to me, sometimes I don’t show it, but it’s true. And I don’t know. Thinking about friendship once more… would any of my friends do an arduous task for me?
Would any of my friends do an arduous task for me? I seriously doubt it. I remember last year when Kevin went around asking his friends ‘would you risk your life to save me?’ No doubt about it, everyone must have answered yes. But do they really mean it? I know, without a doubt, I would sacrifice my life for certain friends, but not all. Without a doubt, I know if I had the chance I would die before Cindy would even get hurt.
Cindy is the best. NO doubt about it. Always there for me no matter what. Even if we attend different schools. Tries to cheer me up. Makes an effort for my friendship. Just treats me like a friend. Someone I wouldn’t be able to live without.
Kathie… one of the greatest people to talk to in any situation, though can be annoying at times, has many problems of her own, I assist, it makes me personally feel better.
Vivian…known her for a month I believe, thankful for it, in a way reminds me of Cindy but not even, sometimes brings me down, doesn’t talk to me much, but hey, thankful for knowing her for a few weeks. Oh well...=(
Now..feeling a little better, yet still depressed…
- only reason why I feel better, is because I realized I at least have three people to talk to. And out of those three, Cindy is the best, the other two do NOT even compare next to her. I miss her so…
- depressed due to feeling of rejection, abandoned, isolated…
posted by
sandy mack at 5:23 PM
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