4/??/2984 i know how to get on your site. [note from editor: date should read 4/28/02, read the last entry on this page]

4/24/02 (kal)
"I hope it sucks - I hope it sucks - I hope it sucks you fucker - I hope it sucks - I hope it sucks you... down... There's some Tool, Swamp Song is the coolest song on Undertow," Kal said in a matter of fact way. He wondered what he would write about next. But his head suddenly started again, deciding to talk about his boring life. "For a clue on how boring my life is, look at this. Two days ago (well, three, it was the night before), my cat was in my room, and I was about to go to bed." Kal actually wasn't sure what time it was or what he was doing but he was watching tv in bed, so he assumed he was getting tired. He then continued, saying, "She then jumped up on my stack of guitar world magazines, and as they began to fall, she lept all the way across the room, to land directly on my left hand. How she accomplished this stunning landing, I may never know," kal said with a bitter hatred towards his cat, Bob. "But during monday, the day after, the scratches gave me an idea. I am generally not affected by most pain, could I scar myself intentionally with my own hands?" kal wondered. "I set out to scratch my hand raw and find out. At first I just scratched for a while in the same spot, and watched the effected area turn red while the center rose up and became white, like a bug bite." Kal was amused by this painful act, never before had he been able to so effortlessly manipulate his skin. "But on one of the scratches I was doing, I lightly broke the skin. The next day, all of the scratches were gone, except for the broken skin, which had formed a pleasant scab. I then decided to brake the skin in three other places, so they too would become scabs," kal said, wearing a forboding smile. "I did this, but i also broke the skin where one of my previous scratches was. So by this morning, I had 5 scabs on my left hand, but it looked somewhat uneven. So today, during Algebra, I scratched three more times into my hand, and the yellowish scabs are beginning to form." Kal was done talking about that, but he still had more to go. "Hooray, see how incredibly pathetic and worthless my life is? See? See? Chances are, no one gives half of a mouse shit," kal said, with almost a sense of regret. "Moving on, according to Alice Boris, Suzy Creamcheese has been mumbling about The Monkey, our newest site member. Perhaps this will form a new internet alliance, a new empire, a new beginning? you wonder. But no, the monkey isn't ready for that kind of commitment. Co-running the universe isn't what he had in mind, Total domination was his goal. But The Monkey says he may be open for compromise." The Monkey had before co-ruled various things, but he had never told Kal about it. Maybe The Monkey knew more than Kal thought. Quickly changing this uncomfortable topic, Kal mentioned news about one of his favorite bands, Primus. "FRIZZLE FRY & SUCK ON THIS IN STORES NOW! I must get them, so many Primus fans call them the best out of all of them, better than Sailing the Seas of Cheese." But will Kal have enough money to afford these two precious items? He has roughly 23 dollars, and he has a sense of doubt on whether his parents will chip in for the remaining fee. Kal sat as his computer, wondering what else he should write about. But his mind drew blanks, and all he could think of doing was bashing his face into the desk in front of him. Kal decided he was out of ideas, so he gave up his seat in news for today. He wishes there were more things to talk about, and that he weren't far too lazy to make a new article under Commercials I Hate. Maybe tomorrow, he thought. Maybe tomorrow.

4/24/02 (The Monkey)
Ooh ah eek eek hoo hoo aah ahh The Monkey ooh aah. Ooh aaah ah eek English, ooh ack een wa Munkish. apoo ing eek ooo ah ooo ah oo ah.

4/26/02 (kal)
"It's official," kal said, launching into his newest article. "The Monkey has drained all of my intelligence into his 'smart stuf' bag." Kal knew he would get a few people thinking by purposefully making the "smart stuf" bag have such a simple and idiotic name. But, kal thought, would anyone read this at all? Probably not, he thought, and then dove deeper into his metaphoric shell. Kal had so much to write about, yet so much of it he couldn't remember. He thought he'd start off into a Primus-related topic. "Hey readers," kal stupidly cheered, "two days ago, I mentioned the two new primus cds, FRIZZLE FRY & SUCK ON THIS, and two nights ago, I got them!" kal exclaimed, pitying the poor pathetic losers who weren't as fortunate as him. Well, not really pitying, more just mocking them. Kal hates stupid people. "The two cds kick a whole mofo-in' sack o' crap! They are funnnnnnnnnnnnnnkay (funky)!" kal exclaimed, mocking the stereotypical speech of poseurs from California or wherever. He had a bit of adrenaline pumping through his veins, just having these two possessions in his house made him feel like taking a 20 minute dump. Or was that the bacon pizza he just had? "There are 9 songs on Suck on This, their live first album. 5 of them are redone on Frizzle Fry, 1 of them is done on Sailing the Seas of Cheese, 1 of them is done on Pork Soda, and 1 of them is done as a hidden track on Antipop. The only remaining song is 'Jellikit' (pronounced ja-like-it, (possibly as in 'do you like it' slurred). Frizzle Fry has the 13 normal songs on it, plus the rare 'Hello Skinny/Constantinople' Residents cover medly. They both is *&$*%&*)^(^&*)&^ awesome!" Kal was getting tired of narrating himself every few sentences, so he decided to only narrate himself sparsely until the end. "The Monkey has made his own DeadJournal page, and I am the poor soulless victem he has chosen to translate for him. The link to his page will soon be under the 'Links' section (no fuckin way, man!). I would like to ask Matt something, something I have asked before but he did not read, apparantly. Matt, when we first started arguing about you being a poseur and all a few months ago, you said "Speaking of being of poseur lets make an example of one: Someone who talks about Slipknot as if they own the Cd's having a conversation about them saying 'I wanna slit your throat and fuck the wound is the most offensive thing off of Iowa' followed by laughing at someone WHO OWNS IOWA". What the fuck does that mean and what the fuck does it have to do with anything? That doesn't make sense matt, not a word of it works with any of the others. You have a very obscure and illogical view on things, mainly because you are a stupid fucking idiot. Ever since you wrote that paragraph in February, it's been like 'if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college'. It's been stuck in my brain, and until I get an explanation that makes any portion of that make sense, I will continue to make fun of your logic. Then later in the paragraph, "YOU are the poseur, yes you the reader (you know who you are) are the poseur." Four lines later, "I'm not saying Kal is a poseur". Matt, du-mas. You obviously didn't read what I wrote about you last week, because you responded with "Go ahead write another one of those shit dribble "dump on matt" articles, that's what you always do. You think about me too much." Yeah, when writing on a site that mainly concerns YOU, (it's plastered everywhere), I'd say that when I write on this site, critisizing you, chances are a thought of you may pass through my head. But again, you didn't read the article, and I suggest you do. But about the whole being a hypocrite, I didn't say that no one in the world can be dark, just not you. READ THE ARTICLE.

4/26/02 (steve)
Hey, wanna be friends? email me at this address.

4/28/02 (kal)
Hoor-fucking-ay! We've got another hacker! Oh, by the way, the date on that should read 4/28/02, not 4/??/2984. Ooh, how very secrative this person is. Now, this person was able to get into our site, bravo bravo, we have told the password to a few people, most of them have already broken in once or twice and written things like "moooooooo" and what not, and since we have a bizarre password, I'd say this hacker (if it's not one of the people we've told, or someone told by them) has used some sort of program to get into our site. They also had the audacity to go through our maze of news files, finally making it to 421-427, and then updating on the 28th, not even between 21st and 27th (i'm only writing on this page because I'm allowed to write on a page that's past its date). Now, some of you may remember last year, where Dan Pottter wrote threatening stuff on our guestbook, ooh ah we were so damn frightened. He ended up in severe punishment, and who knows? maybe he escaped and made his way to the closest computer, seeking revenge against the fools he could not foil. Or maybe this hacker is one of Dan Pottter's friends, Tom Coorten or whatever, or Kyle Garret. They frighten us too. Oooh. Or maybe this is an all new hacker who doesn't know about our lack of caring in the case of emergency. Well mr hacker man, if you're reading this, WE DON'T CARE! give up now, if you destroy this page, we will just make another one. Then you will destroy that page, assuming we CARE, then we will make a new one. Hey, I can pump out several pages a day, and see if I care. Now mr hacker, what are you accomplishing by being able to edit our website? Nothing? Oh, you must be right. Will you be able to fashion a crude trophy to put on your mantle, stating your ability to crush 8th rate websites that no one would even take the time to cyber-shit on? Oh, you must be sooooo proud of yourself. Well, hack away. Unless it's just Chris or Matt. The Monkey told me that he didn't do it, and... wait a minute!

4/28/02 (kal later that day)
Hey, I forgot to write about a bunch of other stuff. For instance, yesterday I saw Bill Cosby at Foxwoods. No, I'm not lying to you. In fact, look at this picture, which should be appearing below this line:

That's right, a free employee show. No charge at all. You see, my sister's friend, Morgan Whats-her-name, has a mom who works at Foxwoods (as opposed to the mother she has that works as a garbage man), and she was able to get her daughter (morgan, as before mentioned) a ticket to go see Bill Cosby. I learned this a few days ago. But then, yesterday MORNING, My mom said that Morgan's mom was able to get three tickets, so Morgan, my sister, my mom, and I were able to go. I jumped at the chance, and later that day we were off to one of the biggest casinos in the world (if it still is). We got there, and waited 1/2 hour to 1 hour, and then we sat in the theatre for another half hour at least, when the curtains opened up revealing... a chair with a shirt on it, saying "hello friend". Yes. the moment we have all been waiting for. A chair! Anyways, after a while, a guy came out, said a joke about how Bill couldn't make it (wow, he really had me fooled), and then introduced the man himself, Bill Cosby! Now as you can imagine, he is a bit older than he was in the eighties, he had grown a bit larger horizontally, and his hair was "a certain shade of gray". He said a bunch of funny stuff, you know the drill. A lady in the front row asked to touch his shoe, identifying herself in a Boston accent, as "Carman", and she worked "in income audit". Bill then mocked her accent, asking if her name was "Common", and that "in commaudit" sounded like an answering machine thing, "i'm sorry, Common can't come to the phone, she is in commaudit." Most of the set was based on what audience members said, like one mentioned viagra, and he talked for a while about how disgusting it would be for an old saggy guy suddenly having a weapon. Yeah, it was pretty funny stuff. In other news, The Monkey demands that you check out his Deadjournal page, linked to here.

4/28/02 (The Monkey talking through Kal)
The Monkey asks you to ignore steve, he is too evilly nice. Steve will only lead you to happiness and friendship. IGNORE HIM!