News 2/10 - 2/16
2/10/02 (kallowishus)
Fuck you matt, you stupid fucking poseur. Go fuck yourself, hard rocker wannabe. Anyways, I did a Primus thing under bands, it's still under construction but check it out. I also was the first to sign "alice's" new guestbook, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel proud about it, but who cares anyways. She wrote about N*Sync and Chili's, so now I can't write about them or Matt will chew my ear off. Dammit, why didn't I critique those stupid commercials earlier? And now her 5 words or so ruined my potential paragraph, because of MATT! YOU STUPID FUCKING POSEUR! KISS MY ASS YOU PATHETIC CUNT-WAD! Oops, I left the caps lock on too. fuck you.
2/11/02 (kallowishus)
Hey, I'm going to write about the N*sync and chilis anyways, so fuck all of you. It will be under COMM, somewhere over <-- there. Everybody say "Matt's a bastard!". Not much new news today, except I hate a lot people, and Mrs. Large is in the targets today. Have you noticed that when she reads, she commonly skips whole slews of words and substitutes them with one dumb word that usually doesn't even make sense? And she often leaves out words that are essential to the whole outcome of the sentence/paragraph/book. It's just so damned annoying. And she can never be wrong, she'll actually argue with you when she plain knows she's wrong, and after a while she'll just come up with some stupid excuse that shuts you up. She's too damned happy, and maybe the vat of valium she keeps in her desk is to blame, although I think it may be the patented "crystal myth dispenser hat" she wears to keep her heart beating. She actually died three years ago, but the doctors didn't want to tell her. The colors on her board are too bright, and black would do just fine, but she has to be "creative" and "a bitch". Have you noticed the slit marks on her wrists? Apparantly she didn't have any blood running through her veins and the only thing that happened was 200 of her rare diseases escaped, but the 20,938,570,234 remaining ones are still holding on. Her diseases have actually grown into species, and her dried up flesh is the habitat for them. She's in the Guinness book of world records for "longest time teaching after death". Alright, I've had enough. Stay tuned to our site for other reviews, which we will be doing for several more bands, and more of me and Matt bitching at each other. Bitch bitch bitch! What the hell do you mean that I said "I wanna slit your throat and fuck the wound" was the most offensive thing off of Iowa and then I laughed at someone who had Iowa? What does that mean? How do they relate and how are they so parallel to each other that they actually make a point? That really didn't make sense matt. Now go kill yourself while you try to figure out just what you were talking about, and I'll try to figure out a new way to make Jerry cry himself to sleep at night. Damn, I hate that fucking bastard!
2/15/02 (kal)(yeah, the -lowishus had to go)
Hey, today I talk to you about Queen of the Damned. No, not that shitty new Vampire wanna-be movie with the dead chick in it, I'm talking about Mrs. Large. I know I already bitched extensively this week about her, but she's SO FUCKING STUPID! Today in English, no one wanted to share their music, and I had anti-pop with me, but we had already listened to 2 other Primus cds in class, but I said what the hell. So I said put on Electric Uncle Sam, a few people liked it, laughed when he said "I am your Uncle Sam", and of course Kendra said it was stupid. But then I decided to undertake my dream: Make the whole English class pissed off at me. Ever since the beginning of the schoolyear, I've always explained to Matt the following class the success of my music, but always we're disappointed that a few people liked it. But I set out to change that. I said, "go to song 13!". Song 13 is called "Coattails of a Deadman", and it has Tom Waits playing a mellowtron, which sounds like an organ, and the song has a very circus sound to it. I knew that everyone would hate it, and I was right. It went on like that for about a minute, and people started complaining. Mrs. Large, talking in her bitchiest, most raisin-faced talk, said "Oh kal, I have to say, this isn't music." And I said, "what are you talking about?". The music continued until the outro chorus, about two minute of "now on the coattails of a deadman she'll ride, she'll ride." Mrs. Large said, "Oh kal, this has to go. I just can't find the melody in it!" And I said, "What are you talking about? It's right there!" I sort of hummed along, and as she swayed around to the melody, she still insisted that she was right. She then said "It sounds like my great-grandfather's music!" I felt like saying "He must have been some asshole to spawn a bitch like you!", but of course I didn't. So she again said it wasn't music (even if you don't like it, it's still obviously music!), and then I said, "So you're saying my music sucks!". "No, I didn't say that", she said. "Well you implied it very clearly" said I. "But I didn't say it" she said. So I replied "well, I could say that I like Steven (Congdon)..." And then she gave me a minus 2, and then we listened to one minute of Kevin (Gleason... kill, my stalkers... make yourself useful) rap music while my ears bled, and while she even pointed out the bad grammer, (more better, ho), she still insisted that this FUCKING TALKING TO A FUCKING SYNTHETIC DRUM BEAT was more of music than the incredible underrated talent of Les Ler Brain and Tom! What the fuck is up her ass, besides a few missing respirators?! By the way, the story I was writing at the time went like this:
"The Weasel"
There was a weasel who was very vicious once. He'd attack little children and bite their ankles until they bled to death."
After that point, the previous event had just happened, and the story took a new life:
"He preferred rappers and people who call rap "music" and then insult Primus!"
I then showed it to Lindsey (the only person in the class who wasn't pissed off at me, she got me in to Primus) who was also mad at Steven Congdon at the time, and she proceeded to finish my story while we began reading about school shootings and stuff.
"His second favorites were short gay little faggots who sit in front of book cases in English Class (steven). He'd pretend to be friendly at first. Then when the fag decided to touch the (male) weasel dug away at his eyeballs until all that was left was two bloody sockets in the middle of his face. Now that the fag couldn't see him he'd sneak around and just when the fag thought he was safe the weasel would gnaw at that piece of skin between the nose and lip. On and off he'd peck at the fag until he was barely alive, bloody and calling for help but mostly people just laughed and kicked him in the stomach (the others kicked him in the face)."
Ah, you have to love teenage brutality. But while Lindsey was writing this, she was called on to read, but she wasn't paying attention, so she got a -2, which the 80 year old bitch wrote on my notebook! I'm just gonna have to rip the page out though, the writing is safe on this page. Unless this screws up, in which case you won't be reading this. Now if anyone has been moved by this touching story, and wants to do something about it, email me at jerrymustbeslaughtered@hotmail.com for details. I will mail each of you specific details based on how advanced you would be as my tool. Remember, any hatred whatsoever towards a living artifact that no museaum wanted, email me now. hey, I got a new computer last week, and that's why I haven't written in the past few days... maintenance problems. Now the old computer, which I'm using now, is in my Dad's little workroom right next to the foyer, and it's a very confined feeling. Much better than having to sit in the corner of my parent's huge room, I feel insignificant there. But anyways, the day I got it, I was writing a HUGE review of A Perfect Circle, but because of a bad internet connection, I lost all of it. I was pretty proud of it, too. Hey, did you know that you can get Antipop, frog brigade 1 and frog brigade 2 signed by Les himself for only 25 bucks each? About the same price as a costly cd from strawberries or something, and signed by a living legend! I already have antipop though, but I can still get "Les Claypool's Fearless Flying Frog Brigade 1 & 2". clubbastardo.com also has the Sausage cd (Les rejoined with the original Primus members) and "Les Claypool and the Holy Mackeral High Ball with the Devil" (Les' solo work), two rare cds. I think today on Song of the Day, I'm putting up the lyrics to coattail of a deadman, to show you the song that started the afore-mentioned chaos.
2/16/02 (kal)
Hey, today I watched the original 13 Ghosts on AMC, back from the early 60's when movies were still black and white. It's actually pretty creepy for a B&W film, but I don't think any of you would crap your pants. I don't know how similar it is to the new movie, but chances are they butchered it, like house on haunted hill. Have you seen the new and old one for that? The new one sucks! Number one, it's not even a friggin house, it's an insane asylum. Number two, Chris Kattan is in it! But the feeling of the movie has completely changed, and not for the better. Stephen F. told me that the new 13 Ghosts is the scariest movie he's ever seen, but then again he said that Moulin Rouge was one of the best he's ever seen, and I have never heard one good word about that piece of shit. Anyways, no emails about the protest yet, but hey, it's only been hours since I posted it. I'm gonna have to do something soon, like a review, song of the day, or commercials I hate, but right now I'm heading over to update my minipage.