Jerry's Party
Allright allright, settle down you little inbred monkeys. Last night I called in sick to my job at Shaw's (a New England supermarket chain) to go to Jerry's birthday party. The location? CHUCK E. CHEESE'S.
It took me about half an hour to convince my mom, I've only been working a month and she doesn't want me getting fired already, but I managed to change her mind (some common phrases were "I don't think you understand; this is Chuck E. Cheese's we're talking about here" and the always successful "Come on Mom".)
Everyone stopped at Jacob's house to be picked up by Jerry's mom (I was last to get there, even after Jerry himself), and once I got to the house we all went on our way, Chris Jacob and Dan in Dan's car, and Jerry, Jerry's mom and me in his mom's car. I think Dan must have missed the entrance or something, because they were ahead of us but they didn't come in until about five minutes after.
First off, we found a table for four children, the five of us sat there, and Jacob handed Jerry his two presents, which him, Chris and Dan had worked on earlier that day. (The presents were mostly from Sean's house, who was sent away to Montana earlier this year because of psychotic behavior, so everyone just comes over every once and a while and takes his stuff).
First, there was one of those big-mouth billy bass boxes, not wrapped, but covered entirely in rubber bands and packaging tape. It took at least five minutes to get it all off. Next stage: a disgruntled shoe box, wrapped in hundreds of rubber bands, took five more minutes. Last, one more type of wrapping, I can't remember what, but still more rubber bands. It took five more minutes, and said something like "to Jerry, geigh". And after Jerry ripped all of the junk off, he came to the prize inside: His Algebra II book, which Chris had stolen out of his locker earlier in the week. What a laugh we all had...
Then there was another present, encased in a backpack of unknown origin. On the top was a student ID of one of Jacob's older brother's friends, something that had to do with Howard. Inside were tons of Sean's possesions, from cheesy novels to a plush banana. Jerry's mom eventually ended up picking everything up.
Then pizza came, one large cheese and one large pepperoni. The stuffing of the mouths was unavoidable, and we have the picture proof. But we only sat to eat for about three minutes, and then we were off.
Right next to our seat was a shaky, crappy carousel, I'm in the picture, but I'm leaning back to tell Jerry that my nuts hurt. After that, some guy came over and told us we couldn't ride that one and another because they sucked. Oh well, we were only in it for the photo-op anyways.
At that point, Dan and Chris had gone off to play skiball, but we needed to find them so we could take our picture with Chucky. We went around the place a few times, but finally got everyone together on the opposite side of the building. Yada yada yada, BAM. A big ol' photo of us n' Chucky.
After that, we dispersed to random games. The first was the one where you put in a coin, and it shoots into this thing with moving parts, and when the coins fall down the hole, you get more coins or a prize. The problem? You didn't get anything if you won. There were no holes on the outside of the machine, except where you put the coin in. Bullshit.
Next was some arcade egyptian shooting game, Jerry played co-op with me, but his gun sucked reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly bad, and he died near the begining. We moved on to the ski-ball area, where I managed to get tens every time (ten being the lowest amount you can get), but I was able to slowly pull extra tickets out of the ticket dispenser, meaning four tickets each round. What a ripoff.
It was then that I met my calling. I discovered that if you play the cyclone game long enough, you have to win. I managed to get two jackpots, 157 tickets and 182 tickets, a generous amount. Plus you automatically get 5 tickets for every time you hit the button, so I was doing pretty well for myself. Overall, we won three times on the cyclone, and a few more times on another coin game, like the first, but with actual ticket prizes.
We sat for a second to have some cake, I had a tiny piece while Jerry and Jacob took a little less than half each (pictures shown on the picture page), and proceeded to stuff their mouthes. We went into the tunnel system (which has shrunk significantly since I was a child) for a little while, but decided to redeem our tickets in the newfangled ticket machines. One would eat several strands at once and not count any of them, which we dubbed "the Jew machine", and then one which counted all of them and more, the aptly named "Hitler machine". Overall we lost over 150 tickets in the Jew machine.
In the meantime, we told Jerry to ask out a girl standing at the entrance, and she looked frightened. I don't blame her.
We brought our proof of ticket slips up to the desk, and bought four "Friends Cheer you Up" tshirts, four Chuck E. Cheese baby bibs, and five plush footballs (well, Chris had to take a basketball...). For some stupid reason, Dan refused to get a shirt or bib, just the football. It was terrible, I couldn't believe it. What a lame-o, huh?
Jacob also asked out a girl behind the counter, but she was way too good for us, being nineteen and all. Jerry then told his mom he wanted to go bowling (or rollerskating, but that was met with a series of disatisfied "ahhhhhhh"'s.... you'd have to go to my school to know). We went to a close by alley, and sort of waited around for a while.
We went into the mini arcade, and two girls came in and asked us if we were drunk. I said "No, we're just stupid" and we all laughed like a bunch of drunkards. Then as we waited in line, we saw a guy in a trenchcoat, and we said "THERE IS NO SPOON!". He ignored us.
Then we looked at the jukebox and marveled at the good and bad selections. Jacob and Jerry dicreetly threw their footballs at two teenage kids sitting at a table, and one threw a ball away. We got it back, but how insulting! Afterwards, the other kid waved at us and said he liked Chuck E. Cheese's. Wow, what a brain.
We had to wait a little longer, but first we went over to another group's alley and yelled out their names as they went up. They were upset, but also amused by the fact that we knew their names. I don't know if they ever figured it out....
Finally, let the bowling begin! We got a lane at the end of the room, right next to a group of horny 16-year old girls, with an inexplicable attraction to us. As Jerry says, "Must have been the Chuck E Cheese garbs."
The rules of the first game were as follows: We must try to lose, a strike gets an ass-slap, and a spare gets a boof (a painful knee to the tailbone... potentially paralyzing). Chris insisted that we have a "stupidest roll" contest, but he was the only one to follow through with it. To make things more difficult, we put up the guard rails, so the chances of a good run were increased. The horny girls picked up on our idea and put down the rails too, all the while posing with us and taking perverted pictures. Most of them agreed to marry me, and they probably would have, too.
We all ended up with somewhere between 25-50 points at the end, and we began game 2. This time we had to try, and we all agreed, no more boofs or ass-slaps. We put the guard rails down, and by the end we had 25-50 points each. I had about 19 gutterballs, yet I tied for second with Chris at 55 points. Jerry had somewhere around 80 (showoff), and Dan and Jacob had a whopping mid-thirty range score. There was some more boob-grabbing fun with the girls, but the night was winding down, and we decided it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, I said I was upset that no one had married me, and that was that. I didn't realize everything was over and that Dan and Jacob had already left, because I still had to give Jacob his sweatshirt and a memory card he left at my last birthday party.
Damn.
Jerry's Picture Archives
Oh God. It was so good.