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2 am; sway; sleepless
april 2 [2002]

he crawled out of bed for the third time that night.
2 am. his hair fell, in some places, from the
thin elastic it was pulled back with and his
pajama pants were clinging to his hipbone just to
stay up. his upper body glistened with a fine
sheen of sweat. he raked bangs from his eyes and
followed the baby's whimpers down the dimly lit
hallway. he squinted his way into the room,
rubbing his tired eyes for comfort. he approached
the crib and was just as amazed with
his son's beauty as the very first day he laid
eyes on him.

ebony locks strewn over a lavender pillow, rosy-red
angered cheeks, dampened eyes. legs and arms
fighting. he sighed. even chase knew she was
gone and he's barely known her. funerals were
horrible enough without them being for the woman
he was going to ask to marry him. it had only
been a few weeks, but reality was beginning to
poke its hateful head into his make-believe
comfort zone. long, painful days. longer,
agonizing nights.

"chase, baby, what is it?" he lifted the infant from
the crib and held him close to his bare
chest. he laid his warm head sideways on apolo's
naked shoulder. he felt chase's small, wet lips
moving in undulating motions against his skin.
his entire body ached relentlessly for her. his
small feet fought against apolo's abdomen.

"i think we need some music. how 'bout a dance?" he
flipped on the stereo and pushed play.
familiar song, instantaneous weak knees. 'long as
i can see the light' by creedence clearwater
revival. tears surface. hot. sting. sway.

"your mommy and i danced to this song right in this
very room when she was pregnant with you. she
couldn't sleep because you would be up all night
every night kicking just like you are now. maybe
a dance will do the trick. it did then."

sway. whimper. settle.

"do you remember it?"

he knew chase missed her touch and her kisses. his
skin wasn't as soft as her creamy flesh next to
his lips. and her kisses never had a scratchy 3
o'clock shadow. he knew chase had to miss her
because he felt it. and because he missed her,
too. like crazy.


he sat in the wooden rocking chair. soft, warm breath
against his neck. balled up hands pressing into
him. it was the same rocker his own father rocked
him in. the song played on and chase slept,

put a candle in the window
but i feel i've got to move
oh, i'm gone, i'll be comin' home soon
long as i can see the light
pack my bag and get movin'
cause i'm bound to drift awhile
oh, i'm gone, gone
oh, you don't have to worry, no
long as i can see the light

but he didn't. chase would be up again soon anyway.
he couldn't blame him. apolo hadn't had good
sleep in weeks. without her, they were both