You're on a romantic boat ride with your significant other. You're relaxing, soaking in the sunshine, and enjoying every second with your better half
when you feel it. First you think it's just a strong current seeing as
though you're in the middle of the ocean… but it doesn't stop. It continues
to get stronger. Your boat is now sways violently from side to side as you
lose your balance and crash to the floor. You let out a shriek of horror.
Then, just when you think it's over, you see it. It's more haunting than
your worst nightmare… It’s fatter than anything you’ve ever seen before…
It’s not just a bad dream… It's the huge, ugly demon of the sea. It surfaces
and with its gigantic black and evil eyes it stares you in the face. With
all its might it knocks your boat down, swims away and leaves you stranded
in the middle of the ocean. "Damn Whales", you think to yourself, "always
causing havoc in my life. I wish someone would just nuke them already".
Ms.Trachimovsky, ladies and gentlemen, how many times has something like
this happened to you? How many times has a whale caused destruction in your
life? How many times have you wished someone would just nuke the whales?
Well, don't be afraid. Don't be scared that people will judge you upon your
beliefs for you are not alone. I too share the same secret fantasy.
Whales should be nuked because they are an inconvenience to humans and other
animals. They are responsible for sickness, and they are evil masterminds.
Nuking whales would be beneficial to the economy and to human kind in
general.
There are just so many reasons to get rid of them. They're so immensely
obese, thus they take up entirely too much space in the ocean. They must
learn to have some consideration and respect for all the other sea creatures
who need to swim around. They can't take up so much space without having
repercussions for their actions and therefore we must NUKE EM!
If you haven't noticed, whales are also not too appealing to the eye. They
have hideous
barnacles on them and ugly blowholes. Green Peace hasn't been working 24
hours a day to beautify our world just so whales can go ruin that beauty
with their barnacles and blowholes!!
Have any of you ever heard of the life altering disease BWS? It's horrible,
I know this because I suffer from it. BWS gives people the great urge to
just lie down and sleep for long extended periods of time. The infected
person is drawn to their sofa, bed or other comfortable sitting place,
lacking motivation to ever get up again. What does the acronym BWS stand for
anyway, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Beached Whale Syndrome. And what
causes this you ask? The whales! Those whales are always becoming beached
and inspiring people to do the same. They lie there sprawled out on the
beach sun tanning all day long expecting and knowing that people will pour
water on them to cool them off. It's paradise! Some people may argue and say
that the whales are actually dying, but they are very wrong. I know the
truth. I know that it's all a giant conspiracy the whales have come up with.
They are just pretending to die so that humans can become their personal
slaves. They are geniuses!
In fact, whales are known to be one of the most intelligent animals. If we
don't nuke them now things may get out of control. They may begin to take
over the world.
You know, if a whale had the chance to, it would nuke you and your entire
family.
There are many famous whales who deserve to be nuked. Take Willy from the
movie Free Willy as an example. Willy is a deceiving whale. He makes the
audience feel bad for him because he's caged in but then he escapes to
freedom. Whales are always playing with people's emotions!
In the bible, Jonah was swallowed by a whale, in Pinocchio, Pinnocio was
also swallowed by a whale. If we don't nuke the whales how do you know a
whale won't swallow you?! In Moby Dick, Moby Dick made Captain Ahab insane
and ruined his life. If we don't nuke the whales how do you know one won't
affect your mental health?
Has anyone even seen a nice whale?
What about Shamoo? He pretends to be nice and innocent but then while
"performing" for the audience he creeps up to the side of the tank and
splashes the whole front row causing everyone to catch severe colds! It's
all part of the whales' plot for humanity's demise!
Alright, I know some people may highly disagree with me. They may say that
we should save the whales but to them I say.. I'm too lazy, I have BWS you
know. Saving the whales is an abundance of work. Nuking them is much more
time efficient. And besides, they are already endangered, we may as well
just finish them off.
People may say that nuking the whales will put the Eco system in disarray…
But the advantages totally outweigh the disadvantages of this situation. All
the whale blubber could be used to mass produce lipstick, soap and other
cosmetic products. So even if the eco system is ruined, everyone will look
and smell wonderful! Think about the economic possibilities. Companies could
sell these cosmetic products for extremely high prices and make a tremendous
profit because the product is made from an extinct animal. It could be sold
as a "one time offer".
I realize that my beliefs may be viewed as inhumane. I know some people may
even label my desires as animal cruelty. But they are highly incorrect. Not
nuking the whales would be even more unjust to animals. Everyday millions of
phytoplankton are brutally murdered by whales. If we don't stop the whales
now, these phytoplankton may cease to extinct.
Ladies and gentlemen, whales will destroy our world if we don't do something
about it soon. They will take over our countries, our cities, our towns and
our lives, not to mention eat our families. We must unite as one anti-whale
people and stop them by any means necessary.
Nuke the whales, cuz you got to nuke something.
