Hello to all of you I will be posting your jokes on this page. Any funny stories you experienced while at Lycee will be given a higher priority. I hope no one will be offended by any of the joke(s). If I receive three or more complaints from any of you I will remove the joke(s) as soon as possible.
Please notify me, if any of the materials have copyrights, and I will either add a proper copyright notice, or I will remove the joke(s) as soon as possible.
YOFTAHE

TECHNICAL SUPPORT
An actual conversation that occured between a customer and a Word perfect support rep (who got fired for this)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
"Went away?"
"They disappeared"
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing"
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
>"Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes it is"
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is"
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer"
"I can't reach it"
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark"
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure"
"A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you boughtit from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"

Subject: Speeding driver
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in a many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform. "Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this." "Hello, Jack." No smile. "Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." "Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good."I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" "I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?" "Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?" "Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. "Please, Jack, in the car." Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip."Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read: "Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it -- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." "Bob" Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived. Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker. Funny how you can send a thousand jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the sanctity of life, people think twice about sharing. Pass this on, you may save a life. Maybe not, but we'll never know if we don't try. May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Deductive Reasoning
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly. "Man: "So what is it you do for a living?" Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Man: "That's right." Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Man: "Right again." Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife." Man: "Correct." Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Man: "Yup." Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning." Man: "Cool." Later that same day... Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door." Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job." Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University." Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No." Man: "Fag."

The Value Of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND Ask a NASA scientist.
To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND Ask a Hardware Engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

The Letter of Reference
"To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers. Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!" The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?" The bartender replies, "No!" The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replies, "No!" The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't hink so." "Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!" So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband. "Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Bob's Doctor
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Two Plus Two
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the conference room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, went to the library, and did a great deal of research. He then went for a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards, and finally returned to the conference room and also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, then leaned forward across the table, and whispered....."How much do you want it to be?"

Actual requests received by the Family History Department of the LDS Church: (THESE ARE REAL LETTERS)
"I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family."
"He and his daughter are listed as not being born."
"My Grandfather died at the age of 3."
"We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope."
"The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn - what do you think?"
"I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children."
"Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success. Now see what you can do."
"This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list."
"We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?"
A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the US, England and Scotland countries? I will do the research."
"Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name."

What Not to Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old!!" He said, "You must have been quite a kid". When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night!" Then the clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!" The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me. He said "Me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning. I said looking for Sex. "My case comes up Monday" your honor.......