[Loree and Chris are sitting on their couch.]
Loree: Welcome back to “We’re Richter, Too!” Showing that other people live here despite the comic’s every effort to the contrary.
Chris: The only above ground underground I’ve ever seen.
Loree: We’re not so much “underground” as we are “beneath their notice.”
Chris: Was that a pun?
Loree: No. It’s time for another retelling of a TCM classic.
Chris: It has everything! Romance, conflict, deceit, treachery, wanton destruction, and giant robots! But only the worse bits can be applied to us.
Loree: That’s right. It’s time for “Nemeses.”
[Chris picks up a remote and clicks it at the camera. The image disappears, to be replaced by that of Jen working out in the gym. Well, not so much working out as hitting on Michelle.]
Michelle: I’m engaged! Engaged! Why can’t anyone understand that?! And if even if I wasn’t, I’m not gay!
Jen: You sure?
Michelle: Yes!
Jen: Absolutely sure?
Michelle: One hundred percent.
Jen: Don’t you think you should test, just to make sure?
[Michelle shakes her head in exasperation and decides it’d be less aggravating to go talk to Biff. Jen scowls at the insult and resumes lifting weights.]
Michelle: Hey, Biff, what’s this scar on your back?
Biff: Never saw that? It’s from last year’s Mascot Match…
Michelle: Looks like it hurt…I didn’t think it nailed you that badly…
Biff: Nah, I had everything under control…
[Jen mutters something to herself that sounds like, “Under control? I doubt you even had your bladder under control.”]
Biff: Those Forrest nerds dunno whut hit ‘em. I had ‘em cowering like-
[A conservatively dressed young vixen taps Biff on the shoulder.]
Denise: Hello, Biff. Do you remember me?
[Jen snickers as the cowardly lion leaps into Michelle’s arms. Cut to the second floor corridor of Richter Hall. At the moment, Darryl is talking to Susan.]
Darryl: Susan, I understand you don’t like Doby. And I understand that he is a major distraction from your studies, especially if he throws your textbooks out the window in a drunken stupor, thinking they would make good confetti. I also realize that having Chris laughing as he watched it happen was also extremely demeaning to you. The fact that Doby got in such a condition by guzzling the ethanol Chris uses as a solvent is also unlikely to improve your mood. But none of this gives you the right to expand their vocabulary!
[Darryl pauses for a moment.]
Darryl: Where did you get that idea anyway?
Susan: Elsa. She uses all kinds of English words I’ve never heard before.
[Jen walks by, having over heard most of it.]
Jen: Vocabulary?
Darryl: She demonstrated to them the definition of “Defenestration.”
Susan: You should be thankful I opened the window first.
Darryl: [sighs] I suppose. How are you doing, Jen?
Jen: Would you believe Michelle rejected me again?
Susan: Yes.
Jen: On the bright side, I met a shy, timid, and very good looking vixen. She’s an engineer from Forrest. And she’s here.
Susan: And I thought a Forrest student would be too smart to come here.
[Meanwhile, outside, Chris and Doby are in the bushes alongside the building. They’re both grinning like idiots.]
Chris: I think I’m in love.
Doby: Whoah. Those two are hot. And we just watched them swap clothes!
Chris: Doby, I take back every mean thing I’ve ever said about you. In a strange, roundabout way, you’ve made my life better.
[Doby is drooling.]
Doby: Dibs on the tigress.
Chris: [grins] Deal.
[Back in the hallway. Susan is looking out the window.]
Susan: I remember her. She was part of Forrest’s giant robot team.
Jen: Cute, isn’t she?
Susan: Kevin seems to think so, too.
Jen: I have to admit, he has good taste.
Susan: And she’s flirting with him.
[Jen dashes to the window and looks out as well.]
Jen: [sighs] Drat. So much for love.
Susan: That’s never stopped you before.
Jen: You’re right. I shouldn’t give up so easily.
Darryl: [puts his hand on Jen’s shoulder] Jen, no. I got a bad feeling that she’s going to bring us a lot of trouble.
Susan: And Kev just brought her inside.
Darryl: Drat.
[Cut back outside. Chris and Doby are leaning against the wall, behind the bushes, licking their physical and emotional wounds.]
Chris: I struck out again. She was all over that pussy cat. How about you, Doby?
[Doby eloquently spits out a tooth.]
Chris: [winces] Ouch. That bad, huh?
[Early the next morning, Dani holds a war meeting to guard against the coming tide of darkness.]
Dani: Okay, the reason I’ve called this meeting is
because
Tony: Just one. Did this meeting HAVE to be at
Dani: It’s common knowledge evil likes to sleep in.
[Cut to the second floor lounge.]
Loree: Can’t I sleep in once? Is it so much to ask? Why did you drag us here anyhow, Darryl?
Darryl: Well, Dani woke everyone down here up anyway when she was banging around, so I decided I might as well call a meeting also. [points upwards] This is also a dandy opportunity to find out what they’re up to up there.
[Everyone is present, but only in varying states of consciousness. Leon and Loree are the only two who could be called alert besides Darryl.]
Darryl: Hey,
[Darryl and Leon carefully move the furniture and pile it up. They put the couch on top of a table, and an
easy chair on top of that. Luckily,
Susan had already fallen off of the couch and is now sleeping on the floor.
Loree: This is the evil that we quake in fear of? Geekbots? You got to be kidding me. I’m going back to bed.
[At the mention of bed, many of the others stir and start heading for the door. Unfortunately, this includes Elsa. Unaware of the precarious balancing act she had been made a part of, she sits up, toppling Leon who in turn brings the entire structure crashing down. Darryl shakes his head and sighs.]
Darryl: It’s going to be a long day. I can tell.
Loree: Of course it’s going to be a long day. I was woken at
[Later that day, Susan steps out of her room, heavily burdened with her books and notes for her classes. She heads down the hall to the elevator. Biff is standing there blocking her way.]
Susan: You’re in my way. Stand aside.
Biff: Umm… No.
Susan: Move. Now.
Biff: I ain’t movin’ for anyone who ain’t a rezi… uh… for anyone who don’t live here.
[Susan grinds her teeth and looks as though she’s about to scream something, but she stops and composes herself.]
Susan: [dangerously calm] Why are you doing this, anyways?
Biff: Dani said I hafta guard against nerds who might try to sneak in and try to steal the plumes underneath the elevator. She chose me because I’m the best at scaring nerds. Are you a nerd? You look like one.
Susan: By nerds, you mean Forrest U students?
Biff: Uh.. Yeah.
Susan: The Forrest U students that are extremely well-funded by defense contractors and who built a giant transforming robot that looked like an ambulance of death and single-handedly demolished our stadium? And who, apparently, will do anything to get those plumes for the sake of pride?
Biff: Yeah.
Susan: And the plumes are here? In the elevator shaft?
Biff: Who told ya?
Susan: So let me see if I understand this. You and your compatriots, in the name of meaningless school pride, have hidden these items in this dormitory. Then, to maintain secrecy, you flood the place with incompetent guards. Not only that, you let a senior Forrest engineer run amok through the building, allowing them to know precisely where they are, so that they can send giant robots, created by a crazed genius, to smash their way in and steal the items you’re so incompetently trying to protect. [screams] AND YOU DON’T EVEN BOTHER INFORMING THE OTHER RESIDENTS OF THE HALL!?!?
[Biff strokes his mane thoughtfully, as if composing a proper response. For a split second, he looks somewhat intelligent.]
Biff: Er… Could you repeat the question?
[Susan doesn’t even bother pretending to be civil. She knees Biff in the stomach, does a series of vicious blows that would only be possible in a fighting game, and then floors him with a punch the jaw. Susan then victoriously stands on his back and grinds her heel between his shoulder blades.]
Susan: Stupidity shall not be tolerated. [to herself] Heh. Bet Dani can’t do that with her bare hands.
[Chris walks by and stops to stare at the body.]
Chris: I didn’t think you worked with cadavers until Med school. [stares at Biff] That’s Biff! You killed him!
Susan: Of course not! I just beat him into unconsciousness. He’s probably quite used to it, I bet. He’ll be his normal loathsome self in a few hours. Help me shove this waste of protein into the elevator.
Chris: I’m not touching that. Clean up your own mess.
[Susan scowls as Chris walks off. Instead of going through all the trouble of disposing of Biff, she decides it’d be easier to lean him against the wall to make it look as though he were sleeping on the job.]
Susan: There. Now nobody will suspect anything amiss. [chuckles] Probably not even Biff.
[Susan picks back up her stuff and enters the elevator. She pushes the button, closing the door. However, nothing happens. After a moment, she pushes the button again. Still nothing. Susan starts pressing the button furiously. Cut to below, where the reason for this delay is visible. Denise has jammed the first floor elevator door in place, and is snooping around. She looks up and spots a box duct taped to the bottom of the elevator.]
Denise, Ryan, and Al [two of whom are not there]: That’s
it!
[The next day, all is seemingly peaceful. The residents in the second floor lounge are quietly enjoying themselves. Jen and Doby are watching football, Leon and Fred are playing chess, and Chris Morrison and Chris Edwards argue over which of them should change their name to make my job easier.]
Chris: I was here first.
Chris: So? It’s not as though you’re particularly memorable.
Chris: Of course I am.
Chris: And what have you done?
Chris: I could easily ask the same of you.
[See? It’s a pain.]
Doby: Use the flea flicker!
Jen: Oh, shut up.
[The building starts to shake. Everyone turns to stare out the window, where
a giant robot can be seen outside.
Everyone stares at it wordlessly.
[They all resume their activities.]
Fred: Like, checkmate.
[In his room, Darryl is working on his notes. He glances out the window.]
Darryl: Why here? Why can’t these things happen to one of the other halls?
[He grabs some tools and two by fours and walks out into the hall. Loree is there fighting with the elevator.]
Loree: Darryl, can you get the elevator fixed? Those idiots put it out of commission again.
Darryl: Sorry, but that’s the least of my concerns right now.
[There’s a loud crushing and screeching noise from within the shaft. The elevator literally comes apart, pieces flying everywhere. Loree jumps to the side to avoid one of the doors falling outward.]
Loree: [panting] You sure?
Darryl: Positive.
[Darryl pauses and looks about fearfully as he hears the load bearing structures creak and strain under some enormous pressure. Elsa runs up towards them.]
Elsa: Darryl, there’s a giant robot on top of the building! Vhat’s going on?
[Pausing only to whimper for a split second, Darryl frantically begins trying to reinforce the building. He dashes from place to place, hammering boards onto supports. Back in the lounge, the people there are also looking around fearfully as the supports groan.]
Chris: I don’t know about you all, but I think I’m going to go outside now. Anyone care to join me?
Doby: But I want to see the game!
[But everyone else has already left. Doby quickly returns to watching the game.]
Doby: Ooh! Flea flicker! Good call.
[A growing crowd of people is gathering outside Richter Hall, watching the giant robot trash the elevator shaft and threaten the some of the third floor residents. This being only slightly out of the ordinary for the building, the crowd has all the appearance of an audience watching a stunt show. Many are eating or drinking, and a couple people have hoisted their kids on their shoulders to see. By themselves are a small group of second floor refugees.]
Chris: Any takers for betting how much damage will be done this time?
Dave: Maybe only the third floor will be crushed by the giant robot dancing on it.
Loree: What are they doing up there?
Chris: [peers at the rooftop] Bantering, I think.
Loree: No, I meant Darryl and the others.
Chris: [still peering upward] What’s that in the sky?
Loree: Is it a plot twist?
Chris: No, it’s… Actually, you’re both right, but it’s Denise, too.
Elsa: Vhat on earth does she plan to do?
[There’s a loud “WHAM!” noise and a large shadow covers the group.]
Elsa: Sheist.
[They scatter every which way, narrowly dodging the pile of giant robot bits that smash into the ground where they once stood.]
Elsa: I just saw four of my nine lives pass before my eyes.
[Dave quickly starts poking about the wreckage.]
Dave: Great stuff. I wonder if Forrest would mind me keeping some of it? I wonder if I could attach the jump jets to my car? [notices the drones moving about] Uh oh…
[Dave dashes away again as the drones assemble themselves into yet another giant robot.]
Dave: If we ever made a movie about all this, let’s make it an anime. It would fit really well.
Chris: We fight for great justice.
Dave: Someone set us up the bomb.
Loree: Oh shut up.
[The robot clambers back up the side of the building, using one of the second story windows as a convenient foothold. A rather despondent looking coyote sticks his head out the hole, looks around, sighs, and darts back in.]
[The robot jerks around a bit, then disassembles and the drones go down into the building.]
Loree: And who here thinks they’re going to go to our floor?
[They all raise their hands.]
Loree: Who’s in there besides Darryl?
Jen: Doby.
Chris: [grinning] And Susan. Hehe.
[In the second floor’s laundry room, Susan is laying on top of a row of washing machines, slowly flipping through a biology textbook. Several of the machines are whirring loudly, easily drowning out the sounds of any mayhem that could occur short of armed insurrection. Which is precisely why Susan likes it here. Through the glass on the door, a giant robotic ant can be seen running down the hallway carrying a TV set closely followed by a distraught Doberman carrying a can of bug spray.]
Doby: [barely audible] I was watching that! Come back here!
[They disappear from as they dash past. However, they soon run back the other way, this time the ant chasing Doby.]
Doby: I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!
[Susan glances up at the door, but they have already past. She goes back to reading. A small car then zooms by carrying a rather scared Darryl.]
Darryl: Not that column! Please! Crash anywhere but there!
[Thankfully, (or not) the car heeds Darryl’s pleading and abruptly turns, flinging the canine far down the hallway.]
Darryl: WAAAAGH!
Susan: Huh?
[She looks up just in time to see the car smash through the door. She leaps to her feet, standing on top of a washing machine.]
Susan: Things like this really should stop surprising me.
[The car guns it’s motor and heads straight for the machine she’s standing on. She dives aside onto the ground. Amazingly, the small car hits the washing machine hard enough to smash it through the wall, causing it to fall to the ground below. Susan quickly shoves the car out after it. Darryl walks in and looks out the hole.]
Susan: So, how’s your day been?
Darryl: Depressingly normal.
Susan: Me too.
[Some time later, Dave and Chris are sitting in their room. Chris is trying to sort out the mess he made from the mess the robots made, while Dave is typing furiously on his computer.]
Dave: Got it!
Chris: Got what?
Dave: Just for fun, I decided to tap into the Forrest network. I wanted to see if that vixen you like still has those cameras in her glasses. She does.
[Chris quickly shoves Dave aside and looks at the monitor.]
Chris: Sweet! Maybe I can find out what she- Aw, nuts.
[On the monitor is an extreme close-up of Kevin’s face. Dave chuckles.]
Dave: Look’s like the cat’s got her tongue.
[Chris growls and goes back to his cleaning. The movie ends and the view cuts back to the lounge where Chris and Loree are sitting on the couch.]
Chris: All this failure is really starting to discourage me.
Loree: Oh cheer up. I’m sure there’s someone who won’t prefer someone else to you. Just not in this state.
Chris: [sarcastic] Thanks.
Loree: And that’s another thrilling episode of “We’re Richter, Too!” Remember that this show, and others like it, are only made possible by public funding and the continued support of-
Chris: [grumbles] -viewers like you.
[Fade to black.]