[Loree is sitting by herself on the couch.]
Loree: Hi, and welcome back to “We’re Richter, Too!” Due to the sudden announcement of our impending doom, we’re being forced to change our line up. We have a variety of stories left to tell, but we’re afraid nobody is going to see them when “The Class Menagerie” ends in four months. We are currently deciding which of three complete stories is going to be broadcast today.
[She turns to the side.]
Loree: Have you decided what to cut, YET?
[The camera pans to show Chris,
Chris: Certainly not the last one. Choose one of the others. You two need more character development anyway.
Elsa: I vould rather be a stereotype than a figure of ridicule.
Susan: You must be joking, at your current level of character complexity, it’s only a matter of time before you start saying, “Ve haff vays to mak you talk!”
Elsa: [cringing] I vas hoping ve veren’t that hard up for gags. Besides, vhat about Darryl, Doby, Fred, Jim, Edwards, Katie, Julie, and Dave? Don’t they need character development, too?
[The camera pans back to Loree. She looks rather frustrated.]
Loree: Those three are what’s available. Decide already!
[View pans back to the group.]
Elsa: Ja.
Chris: Agreed.
Susan: Sure.
[They start playing a hectic game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. The view pans back to Loree who is sitting on the couch and shaking her head. Chants of, “Rock, Paper, Scissors!” can be heard from off camera. Julie and Katie wander in and sit on the couch.]
Loree: You know, I miss the old days when I could do whatever I wanted.
Susan: [off camera] Hey! That one didn’t count! Chris cheated!
Chris: [off camera] You’re seeing things. Besides, we want the same thing. Why do you care if I cheat?
Susan: Oops. Er, cheat away then.
Chris: I’m not cheating.
Julie: Like, are they always like this?
Loree: Only if they’re trying to shove something off onto each other
Katie: And our parents called me the immature one.
[Cut to
Chris: There is nothing worse than a sore winner.
Susan: So which show are you gonna select then?
[
[Chris gives a sly smile, showing a mouth filled with sharp, pointy teeth.]
Chris: Now you wouldn’t do anything that would embarrass your friend, would you?
[Susan takes a walnut out of her pocket.]
Susan: If you were to
show the tape starring me, I would be very upset. You wouldn’t want to upset me, would you,
[She crushes the walnut with one hand, picks out the nut, and eats it.]
[Elsa grabs him.]
Elsa: [sobbing]
Chris: From what I’ve seen, they wouldn’t be interested in you.
Elsa: Please help me. I don’t think I could stand it. You vouldn’t hurt my honor and my dignity and cave in to their veiled threats, vould you? I vould be forever in your debt.
Susan: I didn’t think we were being that subtle.
[Elsa gives him the sad puppy, er, kitty eyes.]
Chris: Aww, nuts.
[
Loree: Finally! It took you long enough.
[Loree grabs a tape and stuffs it in a VCR. Elsa starts pumping her fist up and down.]
Elsa: Ja! Ja! Ja! Elsa uber alles!
[
Chris: Like a deck of marked cards.
Susan: [grinning] Let it never be said that Susan Loral made a promise, explicit or implied, that she backed down on.
[The movie kicks in. It’s early Saturday morning in Richter Hall. Elsa groggily stumbles out of her room wearing a bathrobe. She blinks at the sight of her roommate leaning against the wall, silently looking down the hallway. Susan is smiling.]
Elsa: Vhat are you so happy about? Did you vin this veek’s “Vheres Doby” pool?
Susan: That’s not the reason. They haven’t found him yet. Where did you put your money?
Elsa: Police holding tank.
Susan: Pretty safe bet, but I find that “passed out in ditch” to be more interesting and profitable.
Elsa: Vhat are you doing out here?
Susan: Well, you may not know this, being an English major, but the Chemistry and Biology departments require that all of their lab students do a report every week. Labs are frequently the most time consuming courses a person can take. The reports are long and very detailed. A lot of time and effort goes into them. And missing only one can put a significant dent in your grade.
Elsa: So…?
Susan: And I thought you would have guessed by now.
[She starts walking down the hall, tossing and catching a floppy disk. Meanwhile, in Dave and Chris’ room, Dave shakes his drowsy roommate awake.]
Dave: Chris! Get up! It’s today!
Chris: [blinks at Dave] What’s today?
Dave: Don’t you know? Only the greatest thing to ever hit the West Coast!
Chris: [rolls over and covers himself in his sheet] A meteor?
Dave: No. I’m talking about Anthroanimewebcomiconicon!
Chris: [sits up, puts on his glasses, and looks at Dave] Did you just say “Homo Happy Decepticon-Wan”?
Dave: No. It’s a con where everybody who’s anybody is going to be. I want you to come with me.
Chris: Could you ask me again later? Say, after I get up?
Dave: I’m leaving in twenty minutes! This is a no-brainer!
Chris: [sighs] I’m probably going to regret this. Sure, I’ll go. Let me get ready.
Dave: Excellent!
[Cut to the lounge. Everyone except for Dave, Chris, Jen, and Doby are in there, waiting. Well, Katie and Julie aren’t there either of course. I do try hard to keep a facsimile of continuity. The phone rings. Darryl picks it up and listens intently.]
Darryl: …I see. You’ve checked everywhere?.... Don’t worry…Oh, you’re not worried? Well, you should be. He is your hall mate and all…Fine. See ya soon.
[He hangs up the phone.]
Darryl: Jen can’t find Doby.
Everyone else: Awww…
Darryl: It’s heartening to see that you all are concerned for Doby’s welfare. It’s great to see you all come together in times of adversity.
Chris: [from down the hall] AAAAAHHH!!! IT’S ALL GONE! All of it is gone!
[The door slams open and a snarling Chris stomps in. He looks around quickly and his gaze settles on Susan. She smiles.]
Chris: That’s it. You’re dead.
Susan: [mocking tone] I’m real scared.
[Susan leaps to her fight and dives out a window, floppy disk in hand. Chris jumps out after her.]
Chris: WHAAAA!
WHUMP
Darryl: So…Where were we?
[Cut to outside. Susan is sitting in a tree outside the second story window while Chris lies face down on the ground.]
Susan: You’d think you would have learned better by now.
[Chris gets up and spits a clump of sod out of his mouth.]
Chris: Just a momentary lapse in judgment. Give me the disk.
Susan: No. Anyways, think about it. Don’t you think that your constant falling from the second floor is odd?
Chris: I have this fear of heights for a reason. That is the reason. Give me the disk.
Susan: I mean, really, do you think it’s some kind of running gag?
Chris: I hope the gag chokes and dies on his own laughter. Give me the disk.
Susan: [twirls disk in her hand] I don’t think your obsession with this thing is healthy.
Chris: And I don’t think your continued refusal to comply is healthy. You try my patience, tree varmint. Give me the disk!
[Susan lies down on the branch, dangling her arm holding the floppy.]
Susan: All you have to do is to take it from me.
[Chris lunges for it, but Susan jerks it away. They repeat this several times. Chris stops after the fourth attempt and glares at the squirrel in the tree.]
HONNNK!
[Both turn in alarm to see Dave pulling up in his car.]
Dave: Chris, c’mon! It’s time to go.
[Chris grins as he quickly notices that Susan’s tail is now hanging a bit too low. He gives it a good yank.]
Susan: [flailing wildly] Wha? Whoa! WHAAAA!
WUMP
[Chris quickly grabs his disk and dashes for the car.]
Chris: Glorious victory! Thank you Dave!
Dave: Whatever. Let’s go. Times a wastin’.
[Chris opens the door and climbs in. Susan pulls herself up and spits out some dirt.]
Susan: You won’t get away from me that easily.
[As the car starts to pull away, Susan sprints for it and jams herself in an open window. Cut to inside the car. Susan is halfway through Chris’ window.]
Chris: Are you crazy?! Is that your problem!?
Susan: I’m stuck! That’s my problem. Dave, stop the car!
Dave: No, we’re behind schedule as it is. Pull her in. She’s creating too much drag.
[Chris pulls Susan in. She sits in his lap.]
Susan: Can I sit somewhere else? I don’t want to get fleas.
Dave: You’re welcome to any other seat you can find.
[Susan turns to look in the back. All that’s there is the rear window.]
Susan: You have a car with only two seats?! Why?!
Chris: [sighs] “It goes really fast.”
Dave: It goes really, really fast!
Susan: David, you’re an idiot.
Dave: You just don’t understand. Besides, I’m not the one who jumped into a moving car which only had two seats.
Chris: He has a point.
Susan: Shut up. When are we stopping?
Dave: When we get to the Anthroanimewebcomiconicon.
Susan: Whosit whatsit whereanon?
Chris: It’s a large convention that caters to various popular subcultures.
Susan: All right, when do we get there?
Chris: I’m curious about that myself.
Dave: Four, maybe three and a half hours.
Chris and Susan: WHAT!?
Susan: There is no way I’m going to be in continuous contact with this mangy fox! I haven’t had my shots.
Chris: You have got to be kidding me, Dave! I can’t carry this great bulk in my lap for hours. I’m certain my legs will break.
Susan: I’d hurt you if I had sufficient space to turn around.
Chris: Dave, will you please stop the car and let Susan out?
Susan: Ditto that request.
Dave: No, I don’t want to be late. You’ll just have to wait until we get there. Or you can jump out the window, but I wouldn’t recommend that.
[Susan grits her teeth and starts to stare out the window. Chris mutters and leans his head back on the headrest. Cut to a bit later.]
Chris: [slightly muffled] Susan, can you get your tail out of my face?
Susan: Deal with it.
Chris: But it’s tickling my- ahh…ahhh…CHOOO!
[Susan grimaces, quietly grabs her tail, and holds it in front of herself. She pulls out a tissue and starts wiping her tail.]
Chris: Thank you.
[Susan mutters a string of profanities under her breath. Chris smiles.]
ZOOOOOOOOMMMM
[The smile falls from Chris’ face, replaced by terror.]
Dave: Oh, no you don’t! No SUV can beat me!
Chris: Dave, please don’t-
[Dave hits the gas. Hard. The small car surges forward and maneuvers like a fighter jet through traffic.]
Susan: What’s going on!?
Chris: Dave can’t stand being passed, especially by an SUV! He hates SUVs!
Susan: For the love of God, stop this madness, Dave!
Dave: There is no way that I will allow Kevin Nekohashi to beat me! Ha, he thinks he can be rid of me by going between those two trucks? I’ll show him how a real car does it!
[Chris and Susan hold each other tight and look on with wide eyes.]
Chris and Susan: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
[Alas, since fanfiction is not exactly the ideal medium for a high speed car chase scene, I’m going to skip a bit further ahead.]
Cop: License and registration, please.
Dave: [rests head on steering wheel] Aww, man.
[The police officer looks through the documents and glances at the passengers. Chris and Susan are still holding on to each other tightly, their expressions frozen by terror.]
Cop: They okay?
Dave: Hmm? Oh, they’re fine. I think they’re just intimidated by you
Cop: Oh?
Dave: They’re…pretty strange. They do crazy things sometimes.
Cop: [stares at still-frozen passengers] Hmmm… They must really like each other to sit like that. They look pretty cozy.
[That snaps them out of it. They instantly try to move as far from each other as they can. Which isn’t all that far.]
Chris: Absolutely not!
Susan: Don’t be absurd!
Chris: This is just a tragedy of circumstance and our extreme eagerness to cause each other pain and suffering.
Susan: [elbows Chris in the ribs] Right!
[The cop turns back to Dave and hands him some papers.]
Cop: Here’s your citation. If I see you again, the only way your car will move will be by tow truck. Have a pleasant day.
[Dave rolls up the window and gets back on the highway. He reaches for the radio.]
Chris: NO!
Susan: What’s the problem? I could use some music to take my mind off what I’m touching.
Chris: You don’t understand! Do you know what an electrical engineer can do to a sound system?!
[Dave turns on the radio and cranks it up VERY loud. Bits of the car are rattling loudly enough to be heard even over the extremely loud heavy metal being played. Dave is bobbing his head in time with the noise, er, I mean music.]
Chris: [screaming] TURN IT DOWN!
[Dave doesn’t notice.]
Chris and Susan: TURN IT DOWN!
[No response. Susan reaches for the radio and turns it off. Silence.]
Chris: DID YOU TURN IT OFF?
Susan: WHAT?
[Dave is still bobbing his head to the now non-existent music.]
Chris: TURN IT OFF!
Susan: I DID!
Chris: WHAT?
Susan: NEVER MIND!
Chris: WHAT?
[Susan doesn’t answer. They drive in silence. Cut again to a bit later. Susan shifts uncomfortably in Chris’ lap.]
Susan: That better not be what I think it is.
Chris: [innocently] What?
[She shifts around some more.]
Susan: That. Do something.
Chris: I’ll take it out for you.
Susan: Fine…[double take] WHAT!?
[With some difficulty, Chris manages to reach into his pants and pulls out his pocket knife.]
Susan: While I’m relieved, that wasn’t what I was talking about.
Chris: What are you talking about then?
Susan: Do I have to spell it out for you?
[Chris stares blankly for a moment, then realization dawns.]
Chris: Ohh. Wait a moment.
[He reaches into his pants again and pulls out his bulky cell phone. Susan stares at it.]
Susan: Forget about it.
[She shifts around some more and settles down, still not entirely comfortable. Much later, the car rolls to a stop. Both Susan and Chris are asleep. Their arms and tails are wrapped around each other. Susan is snoring. The passenger door opens and Dave sticks his head in.]
Dave: WE’RE HERE!!!
[They both jerk upright; Susan smashes her head into the ceiling, which is smashed into by Chris’ head. They immediately start fighting, quickly tangling themselves up into a giant furball. After much fussing, cursing, and fighting, they tumble out the side and land in a pile.]
Chris: I can’t feel my legs!
Susan: Oh yeah? How about this?
Chris: OW!
[With difficulty, they manage to pull themselves up. They look around. Dave’s car is parallel parked in a city street and visible is a large building festooned with a variety of odd banners. Most include scantily clad females of every (pleasant) description.]
Dave: Come on you guys. Let’s go in.
[The trio starts walking towards the convention center. Chris and Susan are still scowling. Their mood does not improve while waiting in the absurdly long line to get in. Finally they manage to get into the main hall.]
Dave: I’ll meet you here later. I’m going to go see how much swag I can score.
[Chris and Susan look around, overwhelmed by the volume, strange sights, and throngs of fanboys. Quite a few of whom are staring at Susan wistfully.]
Chris: We are pilgrims in an unholy land.
[Hours of complete strangeness later, Dave leads out his stunned hall mates.]
Dave: Have fun?
Susan: I’ll never forget it till the end of my days.
Dave: Glad to hear it.
Chris: And you?
Dave: I had a blast. Just wait until we do this tomorrow.
[Susan and Chris stop walking and glance at each other.]
Dave: Let’s get back in the car. [laughs] Which of you wants to be on top this time?
[The dangerous duo bristle at the innuendo. Susan gestures to Chris to follow her lead. They walk up behind Dave and each grabs an arm. Chris reaches into Dave’s pocket and takes out his keys. They lead Dave to his car.]
Susan: Chris and I want to try a different seating arrangement for the ride home.
Dave: [alarmed] Oh?
Susan: Yes, it has suddenly occurred to me that there is another place where a person can be in your car.
[Chris opens the trunk. His eyes go wide.]
Chris: Uh, sorry Susan, but it’s been taken already.
Susan: Huh?
[A very dazed, half-naked Doberman clambers out of the trunk, looks around, and turns to his hall mates.]
Doby: Where am I?
Dave: At the Anthroanimewebcomiconicon.
Doby: Ooo! Neat! I’ve never been to an Orphan Annie telethon.
Susan: How did you… Never mind. I don’t think I want to know.
Doby: Look, nekkid women. I’m goin’ there.
[He steps out into the road, going toward the convention center. As soon as he steps out into the street, though, he’s knocked flat by an SUV. A wolf quickly climbs out and runs to Doby.]
Dave: Isn’t that…
Doby: I’m fine. Just a little dizzy.
Doby: Actually, could you take me home?
[They get in the SUV and drive off. On the back is a bumper sticker that reads, “I’d rather be biking.”]
Chris: What do you know? I won the pool.
Susan: So you were the one who bet on “ran over by lupine.”
Chris: That’s right. Er, now where were we?
Susan: Trunk.
Chris: Right, right.
Dave: Hey! You can’t put me in there. It smells like wet dog in there!
[Both Chris and Susan sniff their clothing.]
Chris: I smell like formaldehyde, peanut oil, and squirrel. You?
Susan: Benzene, battery acid, and fox musk. Stuff him in there.
[They stuff the rabbit in.]
Dave: What’d I ever do to you?
Chris: Do you really have to ask?
[Susan slams down the trunk lid. They climb into the car. They stretch and revel in their newfound space.]
Susan: It’s 250 miles to DeMontfort, we have a quarter tank of gas, its rush hour, and the only guy that knows how to use a manual transmission is in the trunk.
Chris: Hit it.
[The movie ends. The lounge reappears. Loree and Chris are sitting on the sofa.]
Chris: Why do we keep showing these movies? How many times do I have to say it? Susan and I can’t stand each other.
Loree: What did you do to
Chris: [grinning] Let him go.
Loree: You might do that, but Susan? Never.
Chris: Oh, she wanted to mash him to a pulp. However, I convinced her to go with my idea.
Loree: Which was?
Chris: I put in an ad for him in the “males seeking males” section of the personals.
Loree: You want to know the ironic thing about all this? The more you and Susan profess your mutual loathing, the more you two work together. And you’re enjoying it.
[Chris opens his mouth, then closes it. He turns and pouts.]
Loree: Remember, this show, and others like it, are made possible only by the continued support of-
Chris: -viewers like
you.