[The screen flickers, turns to static and quickly stabilizes back into the familiar scene of the second floor lounge of Richter Hall. No one is visible. The image flickers again.]
Susan: [off camera] Work, %&#$ it!
[The camera shakes a bit and the flickering stops. Susan walks in front of the camera and sits on the sofa. She looks smug.]
Susan: Hi, Susan here. Welcome to tonight’s episode of “We’re Richter, Too!” Due to circumstances beyond their control, Chris and Loree are unable to host the show this evening. *snicker* We are going to deviate from our previously scheduled programming to bring you a little something of my own creation. It has been my belief that the character of Loree Weston is underdeveloped and needs more air time. Preferably in embarrassing and humbling situations. To this end, I was able to persuade our production staff to create the following piece. It is a collection of short scenes that I like to call, “Loree Weston’s Biggest Failures.” It starts with some of Loree’s many unsuccessful attempts to gain fame and recognition, and then moves on to failures in her personal life.
[She grabs a bowl of nuts from beside the couch and picks up a remote control.]
Susan: Hehehe. This’ll teach her to quit slandering my good name by associating it with that villainous vulpine.
[Susan raises the remote and clicks it. The show starts. Chris is lying on the couch in the lounge, reading a paperback. Loree walks into the room.]
Loree: It’ll work this time. We’ll get into the comic for sure. We’ll be famous!
[With tepid enthusiasm, Chris closes the book and sits up.]
Chris: I’m almost afraid to ask, but I’m going to anyway. What are you going to do this time, Loree?
Loree: Many of the non-third floor people who appear in the strip are usually either villains or love interests. We just have to fit into one of those roles and we’re almost certain to appear.
Chris: And how are you going to do this?
Loree: It’s not what I’m going to do. It’s what you’re going to do.
Chris: Can I be Lisa’s love interest?
Loree: No. She already has two. You are going to be Kevin’s life-long nemesis. Then I’ll appear and help them thwart you.
Chris: Life-long? I just saw him last semester. Besides, I’m no self-centered, overly spiteful nutcase. You want to talk to Susan.
Loree: You’re a natural. You think he’s an arrogant jerk and you know how to make your own explosives. Motive and ability.
Chris: But if I appear as a villain, I’ll be the subject of slapstick, my plans will never work, I might go to prison, and people in the TCM forum will talk for pages on what a sniveling cur I am.
Loree: It’s worth it!
Chris: I’m not going to do it and you can’t make me.
Loree: You know what happens to comic characters that don’t appear? Eternal obscurity and a dark, lonely end. For those that do? Immortality in the minds of the readers.
[Cut to late at night, outside Richter Hall. Chris and Loree are huddled in the darkness. Chris is holding a fuse which goes up the side of the building.]
Chris: I know I’m going to regret this.
Loree: You’re a villain, you can’t regret! Now let’s blow this popcorn stand and be famous!
[Chris pats his pockets, not finding something, he turns to Loree.]
Chris: Uh, got a light?
Loree: Why do I even try?
[New scene.
Elsa: This isn’t going to vork.
Loree: Nonsense. You look just like them. From a distance.
[Loree whacks him with a clipboard. She’s wearing a pink shirt and blue overalls.]
Loree: We are going to appear in that strip one way or another.
Chris: Don’t make pounce and snuggle you.
Elsa: Ve refuse to do this. Besides, since vhen is Lisa taller than Mikey and Dani taller than anybody?
Loree: [tosses clipboard over shoulder] Bah.
[New scene in the lounge. Doby and Jennifer are watching football on TV. Loree barges in, exultant.]
Loree:
Jen: Huh?
Loree: We’re going to make “Richter-2: The Musical!”
If we all start singing and dancing, they have to pay attention to us! [starts to sing]Ah, ah, ah, ah. Stayin’ alive, Stayin’ alive…
Doby: I need a drink and I need it now.
[New scene. Darryl is standing in the doorway to his room while Loree speaks to him.]
Darryl: Let me get this straight. You want me to formally transfer you from your current room to the second floor’s roof?
Loree: Yes!
Darryl: May I ask why?
Loree: You may.
Darryl: Why are you doing this?
Loree: Well, you see, if I’m on top of the second story, then I’m on the third story. Therefore, I’m going to be included in “The Class Menagerie.”
Darryl: I…see. Tell me, you haven’t drunk anything that Doby or Chris have given you, have you?
Loree: Do I look stupid?
Darryl: Just curious. I’ll go get the paperwork.
[Cut to Darryl, Dave, and Chris sitting on the ground staring up at Loree, who is on the lower roof of the dormitory. A long ladder is leaning against the side of the building. The sky is dark and cloudy.]
Dave: Are you sure you want to do this?
Chris: This isn’t exactly the best idea you’ve ever had, Loree.
Loree: This is great! I’m living on the third floor now! Watch out world, here I come!
[A big Kraaaak BOOM noise echoes across campus. It starts to rain heavily. Loree quickly slides down the ladder and runs inside. New scene: Loree is sitting in the middle of a path on the campus, holding a big sign that reads, “Suzukawa Sucks.” Fred is sitting next to her with a sign that says, “We’re in Richter, Too!” The other students are ignoring them.]
Loree: I thought you said this would work.
Fred: It will, man. Just chill and look oppressed. Let them feel your energies of dissatisfaction. Our fellow students will rally to our most righteous cause.
[They don’t.]
Loree: I don’t think they care, Fred.
Fred: I know what we need! Protest music!
[Fred starts singing.]
Fred: We shall overcome, We shall overcome, We shall overcome some day…
Loree: I’ve had it. I can only stand so much.
[New scene. Loree walking on campus with Art Molina.]
Art: You want me to what!?
Loree: Sue the third floor for pretending we don’t exist with the objective of getting us into the comic strip.
Art: Er… I’ll see what I can do.
[Some time later, Loree is in Chris’ room. They’re looking at a new storyline. “Gridiron”]
Chris: Well, that’s a lawyer for you.
Loree: Why that low down, cold-blooded piece of scum! He got himself in, but not any of us! I’m going to skin him alive and make a purse and shoes out of him!
[She snarls and picks up Chris’ PC monitor and tries to throw it out the window. However, the cables are still attached causing it to swing through the air and smash into Chris. He falls to the floor in a heap.]
Chris: …owie…
Loree: [embarrassed] Oops. Sorry, Chris. I don’t know what came over me.
Chris: S’okay. I’ve felt worse.
[The screen flickers and shuts off. Susan reappears smacking around some random piece of equipment. Noticing she’s back on the air, she immediately stops mid-kick and turns to smile at the camera.]
Susan: Hello again. I hope you’ve been enjoying today’s show at Loree’s expense. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to cut it a bit short because this piece of crap VCR just chewed up the tape.
[The VCR in question makes a grinding noise and spews out VHS chunks.]
Susan: Well, maybe it’s a prototype or something. It has “Beta” written on it. Anyways, this is the end of the show for now. Loree isn’t going to do anything suggestive anymore. Isn’t that right, Loree?
[Susan moves the camera to show Loree and Chris duct taped to the wall. Susan yanks off a strip from Loree’s mouth.]
Loree: [calm and business like] This changes nothing. I’ve showed nothing but the truth. [delayed reaction to tape] Ow, that tape thing really hurt
Susan: I think I’ve successfully demonstrated that you are a complete whacko who will do anything to get attention.
Loree: I won’t let failure stop me. [grins] Besides, who are you to call people crazy after duct taping two of your floor mates to the wall?
[Susan opens her mouth to something, thinks better of it, and irately stomps out of the lounge. She slams the door shut behind her.]
Loree: Thank you for watching even this biased and painfully short episode. Tune in next time as we once more try to resume our normal schedule. Remember, this show exists only because of mediocre University funding and the continued support of-
Chris: -mmmf mi mmu!
Loree: Hey! Can somebody get us down from here! This stuff is ruining my fur!
[The end.]