[Loree is sitting on the couch once more. Strangely, Chris isn’t with her this time. Instead, Dave the jackrabbit is.]

Loree: Hi, and welcome back to “We’re Richter, Too!” Today, the University has requested that we do a public service announcement.

Dave: They didn’t give us any choice actually. They said we either do the job or we get canned.

Loree: Fortunately, we were given some leeway in how to go about doing it, and came with something we think is very special.

Dave: How do you know? We’ve never seen it.

Loree: Susan and Chris “volunteered” to do it together. It’s guaranteed to be special.

Dave: How in the world did you pull that off? They’d just as soon tear each others’ throats out as speak to each other.

Loree: I appealed to their sense of civic duty.

[Dave stares at Loree with disbelief]

Loree: [frowning] Fine. If you must know, I told them that if they didn’t do it, the show would be canceled and we would all sink into oblivion, doomed to forever be hidden in obscurity, always to be overshadowed by Richter-3. [Dave adopts an expression of abject horror] The fact that I let them use Doby for their little show sweetened the deal. [Loree smiles sweetly]

Dave: Well, this ought to be interesting. [He raises his remote and clicks it at the camera.]

[The view changes to show Susan and Chris standing behind a counter. They are both wearing their lab coats. Behind them is a large, movable blackboard. Standing between them is a large, muscular Doberman wearing a DeMontfort T-shirt.]

Susan: You probably remember Chris and I from earlier shows. I’m a pre-med student and Chris is majoring in biochemistry. This is our hall mate, Doby, who is majoring in communications.

[Doby smiles and waves at the camera]

Chris: Today the three of us are going to give you a little lecture about alcohol and it’s deleterious effects and unpleasant consequences. I will teach the basic properties and chemistry of alcohol, while Susan here will cover the medical aspects.

Doby: Cool, I like alcohol.

Susan: We know. That’s why you’re here.

Chris: Alcohol is actually the name for a large category of different organic compounds all of which contain a hydroxyl group, which is an oxygen-hydrogen pair. Alcohols can come in many different shapes and sizes. [He turns and starts writing molecular formulas on the chalkboard.] Some common examples are methanol and isopropyl alcohol. By far the most common and popular is C2H5OH, or ethanol.

[Chris pulls out a large flask from behind the counter labeled “Ethanol, 100.0% Pure”]

Doby: Etha-what?

Susan: Booze, Doby. Booze.

Chris: That’s right. This is what gives adult beverages their intoxicating properties. [He starts writing metabolic pathways on the chalkboard] It is normally produced by micro organisms in an anaerobic reaction called “fermentation”. Without oxygen, the yeast used in fermentation are unable to completely metabolize sugars, and instead only partially use them and spit out ethanol as a means to produce the energy they need. In it’s pure state it is a clear liquid, characterized by it’s low boiling point and odor.

Doby: Huh? Are you going to give me any or not?

[Chris pulls out a small, shot glass sized beaker. He partially fills it with water from a sink built into the counter, then adds a little of the liquid from the large flask. Chris then sets the beaker in front of Doby.]

Chris: Drink, Doby?

Doby: Thanks, geeky dude.

[Doby downs the shot and immediately sprays it out over the counter top. Chris and Susan grin. You get the feeling neither particularly likes Doby.]

Doby: *cough cough* That’s harsh stuff.*hack*

Chris: Ethanol is also noted for its horrible taste. This is one reason why you shouldn’t drink alcohol. It tastes absolutely awful unless it is covered by other flavors, such as in a mixed drink. Shall we try one of those Doby?

Doby: If it is bad as that last one I’m gonna have to hurt you.

[Chris ducks behind the counter and places a variety of different beakers and flasks, each pre-filled with various substances and compounds. Susan and Doby watch with interest. Recognizable are ice cubes and a beaker of maraschino cherries. Chris stands back up holding a blender. He places it on the counter and dumps all the contents of the beakers into it, save the cherries. He picks up the flask of ethanol and pours some in. He turns and studies Doby for a moment, then turns back and pours even more in. Chris puts the lid on and pushes a button. The mixture inside churns up quickly and makes a bright red slurry. After a few moments, Chris turns off the blender and pours the mixture into a tall glass. He then reaches into the pocket of his lab coat and pulls out a can of whipped cream and sprays some on top of the drink. He places a cherry on top of the whip cream. Chris then produces a little paper umbrella with a stylized fox on it from his other product and places it on the side of the drink. The whole process took less than thirty seconds.]

Susan: Where did you learn to do that?

Chris: Every chemist worth his sodium chloride can mix drinks. Biochemists included.

[Doby picks up the drink and examines it]

Doby: Never seen one like this before. What is it?

Chris: [grinning] A Fox Tail. The end result of two weeks of research and trials at frat parties.

[The red of the drink matches Chris’ fur color almost perfectly. The mound of whip cream on top finishes the effect]

Doby: Cool.

[The Doberman removes the umbrella. In a single motion, he tilts his head back and dumps the entire drink down his throat. He wipes his mouth with the back of his arm, grinning. He belches.]

Doby: Smoooth. I guess you chemical nerds have some use after all.

[Chris erases the formulas he has written on the chalkboard and starts anew.]

Chris: Ethanol accomplishes it’s intoxicating effects primarily through the disruption of cellular membranes. Especially those in the nervous system. It ruptures the phospholipid bilayer and lets the contents of the cell spill out, killing, or at the very least badly disrupting, the cells. Neurons stay dead if killed. They aren’t replaced. [He turns and bows to Susan with mock gravity] Dr. Loral, the patient is yours.

[Doby clutches his head]

Doby: Aah! Brain freeze!

Susan: [bows back to Chris, sarcastic] Thank you, Dr. Morrison. [turns back to camera] In order to simulate the binge drinking that party animals like Doby here habitually indulge in, Chris has increased the dose of alcohol that Doby would normally get from one drink by a factor of ten.

Doby: [slightly slurring] Why didn’t I think of that?

Susan: [irritated] Primarily because you don’t care what you drink as long as you can get sufficiently blitzed. You would, and probably do, drink toilet water if it contains alcohol. Now shut up and let me do my thing!

Doby: ‘kay.

Susan: The fact that Doby hasn’t eaten anything recently will also increase the rate of intoxication. The symptoms of alcohol intoxication are well known and increase in severity with the amount consumed. [She starts to tick them off her fingers.] Poor motor control, impaired decision making, loss of self-control, blurred vision, slurred speech-

Doby: [waving his hand in the air] Go DeMontfart Foosball!!

[Doby grabs Chris’ hat and vomits in it. He hands it back to Chris. Chris grimaces and starts rinsing it out in the sink. Doby is looking a little wobbly]

Susan: -vomiting, ulcers, liver damage, halitosis-

Chris: Halitosis?

Susan: [more irritated] His breath stinks doesn’t it?!

Chris: Doesn’t it usually stink?

Susan: How often is Doby completely sober?

Doby: [dazed] My mind is going. I can feel it. It’s pretty cool.

Chris: [pauses and thinks for a moment] Good point.

Susan: Then let me finish! Where was I?

[Doby falls forward onto the counter and passes out.]

Susan: Thank you, Doby. Unconsciousness, and in severe cases, death. As an added bonus, other drugs, if taken with alcohol, can increase it’s effects dramatically, so that you can get the same symptoms with a only small fraction of the alcohol that Doby has consumed.

[Chris puts his hat on the counter and puts his head on Doby’s back, listening for a pulse.]

Chris: Snoozin’ like a puppy. He’ll be fine in a few hours. I think. Maybe. Is his pulse supposed to be so low?

Susan: He’s lived through Rush week after attending every party he could find. He’ll live through your little cocktail. There is nothing that can get the alcohol out of his system except time. It will take about ten hours for his liver to metabolize the alcohol. Let’s come back then.

[The two walk off camera. It fades to black and fades back in. Daylight can be sign shining on the blackboard. Chris and Susan walk back behind the counter. Chris picks up his now dry hat and puts it on.]

Susan: [gently shaking Doby] Wakey wakey, my little Doobers.

Chris: Doobers?

Doby: [sleepily] Was it good for you too, Susan?

[Susan snarls, grabs the big flask of ethanol still on the counter and smashes Doby over the head with it. Doby snaps up]

Doby: Oww!

Chris: So how do you feel, Doby?

Doby: [holding his head] I have a wicked hangover. It’s like there’s a party in my head, and the whole football team’s invited. After winning the playoffs. With three Biffs.

Chris: How do you know that isn’t just the result of Susan’s wake up call?

Doby: I’m an expert on these things.

[Chris ducks behind the counter and emerges a few seconds later with another Fox Tail. He plucks a few furs from his arm and puts them in it. He hands it to Doby]

Chris: Hair of the fox that bit you? It’s a regular one this time.

Doby: Thanks, dude. I should go to class more often. You guys learn some hardcore stuff in there. I should bring you guys to my next party. That was the coolest single drink I ever had.

[Doby takes the drink and sips it gently]

Doby: I’m not gonna do it again anytime soon, though. Worst hangover I have ever had. I’m surprised you two have been together this long and haven’t done anything to each other.

Susan: That would be unprofessional.

[She flips the blackboard around to it’s other side, displaying the message “I’m with Stupid” and an arrow pointing at Chris. He doesn’t notice.]

Chris: Yes. We can momentarily put aside our hatred for each other to get across this important message to our fellow students. Having a large durable object between us also helps, of course.

[Darryl walks in, frowning and tapping his clipboard against his thigh.]

Darryl: Normally, I’d be extremely pissed off about you guys serving alcoholic drinks in here, but since something far worse than anything I could do is about to happen to you, I’ll let slide.

[Darryl walks off in the other direction. Our three speakers stare after Darryl and then turn to each other, looking puzzled]

Dani: [off camera, screaming] Who the hell are you guys and what are you doing with alcohol in my dorm!?!!?!

[Dani stomps into view, wearing a bathrobe. The three Richter-2ers clump together and all adopt a deer-in-headlights type expression]

Susan: W-why are you down here, Dani?

Dani: Going to the shower, what’s it look like! Tell me what you’re doing here!!

[The three start stammering out replies]

Doby: [pulling out his license] I’m t-twenty one…

Chris: W-we l-live here…

Susan: It was all C-Chris’ idea…

Chris: For a p-public service…

[Dani advances on them, clipboard in hand]

Dani: I don’t know who you are or what you think you’re doing here in my dorm, but you can’t call it living anymore.

Chris and Susan: [Each pointing at the other] This is all your fault, you son of a $%@$/heinous $%@$!

Doby: [whimpering] Hail Mary, full of grace…

[Dani leaps at them, the camera is knocked over and static fills the screen. Back to the lounge.]

Dave: [eyes wide] I can truthfully say that, after seeing that, I never ever want to touch alcohol. In my dorm at the very least.

Loree: Same here. They better let us keep the show for that.

Susan: [off camera] That was all your fault, you son sorry son of a @&$%.

[The camera pans to show Susan, Doby, and Chris standing to the side. All are covered in various bandages and casts. Susan is limping, Chris is on crutches, and Doby is between them on a wheelchair.]

Chris: I told you we shouldn’t have used real ethanol! And the proper term is vixen!!

Susan: Doby would never go along with us without it. We should have done it off campus like I suggested, you sniveling cur!

Chris: We had no other place to do it, you quack!

[Chris swings at her with a crutch, but he loses his balance and falls over]

Chris: Ow.

[Susan hobbles over to him and kicks him, but it hurts her far more than it does him. She grasps her leg in pain and topples over.]

Doby: I’m going to get plastered, maybe it’ll ease the pain you two geeks have caused me.

[He wheels around and leaves]

Chris: Yipe! That was my hand, mutt!

Susan: Daah! Watch the tail, you good-for-nothing drunkard!

[The camera pans back to Loree and Dave]

Dave: I guess that’s all for today.

Loree: [smiling] This, uh, public service announcement is brought to you by “We’re Richter, Too!” and DeMontfort Public Broadcasting. Remember, this show is made possible only by soon-to-be-decreasing University funding and the continued support of-

Chris: [off camera] –viewers like you. [sharp inhale of breath] Ack, that stings!

Dave: Aww. I wanted to say it this time.