[Loree and Chris are back at their post.  All seems normal.]

 

Loree:  Welcome back!  We’re so happy that you’re continuing to watch “We’re Richter, Too!”

 

Chris:  I’m happy to say that everything is back to normal here.  We got the production staff back together just in time.  We got a new movie today.

 

Loree:  That’s right.  Today we’re going to show you how we spent our summer break.  While Richter-3 was “Occupied” and “Pre-Occupied,” Richter-2 was providing “Civil Service.”

 

Chris:  That was the most bizarre summer break I’d ever had.  I should’ve gone home instead.

 

Loree:  I thought it was incredible.  And to think that those bums upstairs got office jobs.  We got the better end of the deal by far.

 

Chris:  Well, I have to admit it was very educational, if not something I can put on a resume.

 

Loree:  Roll the tape!

 

[The image flickers and the movie starts.  Darryl and Leon are looking at a bulletin board.  A part of it looks to be broken off.]

 

Leon:  How come a corner is missing?

 

Darryl:  I saw Tony grab an ad.

 

Leon:  Say no more.  See any interesting job offers?

 

Darryl:  Not really.  It looks like all that’s left is menial labor and telemarketing.

 

Leon:  There has to something that doesn’t involve back-breaking labor or selling your soul to Satan.  See if there’s anything interesting underneath all that.

 

[Darryl starts digging through the piles of ads stapled to the board.  He tears out clumps and throws them aside.  He stops for a moment and pulls off one ad.]

 

Darryl:  Ah ha!  Why didn’t I think of this before?

 

Leon:  What?  Let me see.

 

[Darryl hands Leon the flyer.  On it can be seen a drawing of Gruff the Griffon pointing outward and the inscription, “I want you for DeMontfort University Services!”]

 

Leon:  Well, it beats telemarketing that’s for sure.  I don’t see any other plus to it.

 

Darryl:  Well, besides helping our school, we get decent pay, flexible hours, a very short commute, not to mention that a school this size is like a small city.  There are jobs for all personalities and majors.  It will be great on-the-job experience we can put on our resumes.

 

Leon:  Why not?  Best we’ve found so far.  Let’s go tell the others.

 

[A short while later, in the lounge, the residents of the second floor have gathered and are talking about their summer jobs.]

 

Elsa:  Thank you, Darryl, but I have already got a job teaching at the elementary school.

 

Dave:  I’m game.  I need something to do this summer.

 

Jim:  Me and Edwards already have jobs, thank you very much.

 

Susan:  This better be good, Darryl.  If I end up scrubbing floors, I’m going to be very upset.

 

Chris:  Sign me up.  My folks don’t want me coming back.  Something about “learning to live on your own” or some such thing.

 

Fred:  No thanks, man.  I’m going to go to a commune and live in harmony with nature.  Get the energies flowing properly, like.  Know what I mean?

 

Leon:  No.  You wanna try this, Doby?

 

Doby:  Working isn’t my idiom.

 

Loree:  Drinks cost money, Doby.

 

Doby:  *sigh*  Fine then.  What are you doing anyway?

 

Loree:  I’m now a field reporter for the “Griffon Gazette.”

 

Doby:  Heck, that sounds easy enough.  Sign me up for that.

 

Darryl:  Great, great.  It’s good to see all of you eager to become productive members of society.  Those of you going for University Services fill out these forms.  I’ll take ‘em to the office later.

 

[Darryl hands out the paperwork.  The movie picks up again a week days later.  A modified white pickup is idling outside Richter Hall.  “DU Volunteer Rescue” is written on the side.  Jen is sitting in the driver’s seat and is wearing a light blue jump suit.]

 

Jen:  So, is everything in the back to your satisfaction, “doctor”?

 

[Susan clambers into the front seat from the enclosed back area.  She is dressed in the same uniform as Jennifer.]

 

Susan:  Yes, and I’m happy enough to disregard your sarcasm.  I think we got the best deal out of all of us.

 

Jen:  Leon seems pretty happy.

 

Susan:  Ah, but we get a car.

 

[Leon walks out of the main entrance of Richter Hall.  He’s dressed in the light tan of the DU Police Department.  He walks up to the truck.]

 

Leon:  And how are you ladies doin’ today?  Excited to start your first day on the job?

 

Jen:  Don’t you have a street to beat?

 

Leon:  You’re parked on it.  I think I got the best commute on the entire floor.

 

[The radio in the pickup crackles to life.]

 

Radio:  Hale.  Loral.  Your shift is starting in a few minutes.  Start your patrol by the chem. department.

 

Susan:  We’re going to be busy today.

 

Leon:  At least you’re not Chris.

 

Susan:  For which I thank the Lord daily.  Hit it, Jen.

 

Jen:  *chuckle* Poor sap, ending up in the cafeteria.

 

[She shifts the makeshift ambulance into gear and drives off down the road.  Leon waves after them.  Dave and Darryl walk out the door.  They’re both wearing jeans and shirts with their names on them.  Darryl is carrying a toolbox.]

 

Leon:  So where are you guys off to?

 

Darryl:  Right now we’re going to Feldman Hall to help with some plumbing problems, but we’ll probably be back to fix something on the third floor in a few hours.

 

Dave:  My money’s on eleven.

 

Darryl:  Depends on how early they get up.  I think they’ll wait till after lunch.

 

Leon:  Anyone else still in there?

 

Darryl:  Just Chris.  Everyone else left earlier.

 

[Chris steps out of the door.  He’s carrying an apron.]

 

Leon:  Mornin’ Chris.

 

Chris:  Everybody gets a job with dignity except me.  I can’t believe they assigned me to the cafeteria.

 

Leon:  Got your hairnet? *snicker*

 

[Chris reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hairnet.]

 

Chris:  Yes.  Happy?

 

Leon:  Just making sure you’re following health regulations.  Don’t want fox fur in the food now do we?

 

Chris:  Don’t tempt me.

 

[Chris walks off towards the cafeteria.]

 

Darryl:  You eating at the cafeteria later?

 

Leon:  Hell no.  It was a blight against all living things before.  Heaven knows what he’ll do to it.

 

[The scene changes to show Elsa standing in front of a blackboard.  Little kids of all sorts are sitting on the floor in front of her.  “Ms. Schuder” has been written on the blackboard, but it’s even money whether any of the tykes can read it, let alone pronounce it correctly.]

 

Elsa:  Good morning, class.  I’m your substitute teacher today.  You can call me Ms. Schuder. 

 

Class:  Hello, Miss Schuder.

 

Elsa:  Thank you for the varm velcome.

 

[A little mouse boy raises his hand.]

 

Elsa:  Do you have a question?

 

Mouse:  How come you talk funny?  And why didn’t you say the pledge with us?  Everyone is supposed to.

 

Elsa:  You are a perceptive little fellow.  Vhat’s your name?

 

Mouse:  Danny.

 

Elsa: *chuckle* Well, Danny, I’m not American.  I’m from Germany.  That’s vhy I talk like this and that’s vhy I don’t say the pledge.

 

Danny:  You’re from Germany?

 

Elsa:  Ja.

 

[Little Danny starts running around the room screaming.]

 

Danny:  THE NAZI KITTY’S GOING TO EAT ME!  THE NAZI KITTY’S GOING TO EAT ME!  HEELLLP!  AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!

 

[Elsa covers her face in her hands as the rest of the class takes up the cry and also starts running around the classroom.]

 

Elsa:  Ach, I should’ve gone home this summer.

 

[Meanwhile, in the offices of the Griffon Gazette, Loree and Doby are standing in the middle of the main offices.  Paper is littered everywhere and various reporters, writers, and editors are scurrying about and typing at various computers.  Doby has a camera hanging from his neck.]

 

Loree:  YOU got the job?!  How?

 

Doby:  Must’ve been my good looks and sparkling personality.

 

Loree:  It certainly couldn’t have been ability or talent.

 

Doby:  You should be nicer to your photographer.  Where can I get a drink around here?

 

Loree:  Not until after hours.  Right now, we’re assigned to do some research on underage drinking.  Let’s hit frat row.

 

[Loree suddenly pauses to consider the possible ramifications of the combination of her assignment and her photographer.  She starts walking towards her editor’s office.]

 

Loree:  Wait right here.  I’m going to get us another assignment.

 

Doby:  Aww, I liked the sound of that one.

 

[The image changes to show Darryl, Dave, and a bobcat in the basement of Feldman Hall.  The feline looks kind of old and is dressed in overalls.  He’s probably the local super.  Darryl is examining gauges on the pipes while Dave is talking to the bobcat.]

 

Bobcat:  You two sure you know what you’re doing?  These pipes have plaguing me for years.

 

Dave:  We’ll be fine.  Darryl has a knack for fixing things.

 

[Behind them, Darryl stops at one gauge and taps it to see if it still works.  It breaks off.]

 

Bobcat:  If you say so.  Could you take a look at the heat pump while you’re here?

 

Dave:  Sure.

 

[The bobcat walks up the stairs.  Dave walks over to Darryl.]

 

Dave:  You any good with plumbing?

 

Darryl:  Not a bit.  I forgot what little hydrodynamics I knew a long time ago.  You?

 

Dave:  Zip.

 

Darryl:  It looks like we’ll have to resort to the Engineering School for General Problem Solving.  Also known as the School of Hard Knocks.

 

[He picks up a sledge hammer and whacks one of the larger pipes.  It makes a satisfying “WHANG” noise.]

 

Dave:  Uh, you do that.  I’ll see what’s wrong with the heat pump.

 

[The image changes to one of Leon strolling down the street, whistling “Dixie.”  As he walks past one bush, it sneezes and rustles it’s leaves.  Leon is just as curious as anyone else would be if they found a sneezing bush so walks over to it to examine it.  Unfortunately for his botanical super-stardom, it was just Biff hiding behind the bush.]

 

Leon:  What on earth are you doing there?

 

Biff:  Er, nothing.

 

Leon:  Does this “nothing” that you were doing have anything to do with that half-empty case of beer right there?

 

Biff:  Uh, no?

 

Leon:  Then I’ll just have to dispose of it before it gets into the hands of any misguided minors.

 

[He picks up the case of beer.  As he does so, Biff stands up.  His massive frame towers over the slight ferret.]

 

Biff:  That’s mine.  Give it to me.

 

Leon:  Oh, I’d love to.  Unfortunately, I know you’re not twenty one.

 

Biff:  Am, too.  I got ID.

 

Leon:  Well, this I have to see to believe.

 

[Biff pulls out his wallet and hands Leon his license.  Leon studies it with a smirk on his face.]

 

Leon:  First, dry erase markers do not make good fake IDs.  Second, I highly doubt you’re forty-three.  Third, there is no thirtieth in February.  Fourth, you’re under arrest.  Hey, are you listening to me?

 

[Biff can be seen dashing down the street, the case of beer under his arm.]

 

Leon:  Aw, hell.

 

[Leon takes off after the fleeing lion.  The image changes to show Susan and Jen near their truck by an academic building.  A female puma is lying on the ground, while Susan bandages her knee.  She is muttering while she works.]

 

Susan:  I can’t believe you called for an ambulance for this!  It’s just a scraped knee!

 

Puma:  [crying] But it hurts so baaaad!

 

[Susan finishes by jerking the bandage tight, causing the puma cry out in pain.]

 

Susan:  This is a waste of my time and expertise.  Have they blown up anything in the chem. lab yet, Jen?

 

Jen:  Nope.

 

[Susan and the feline stand up.  The puma walks over to Jen and hugs her.]

 

puma:  Thankyouthankyouthankyou!  Thank you so much for saving me.

 

Susan:  What?!  I did all the work!  She just stood there.

 

Puma:  But she’s nicer and more cuddly.

 

Jen:  [tightly hugging the puma] It was nothing.  Really.

 

[Jen subtly moves her hands to feel up the grateful patient.  Unfortunately for her, she isn’t subtle enough.  The puma jumps away and smacks the doe.  She storms off down the sidewalk.  Jen rubs her face as Susan snickers.  Cut to the interior of the cafeteria.  It is hot and noisy place as various workers roll out the lunch food.  Exactly what it is is unknown, but you should be used to that by now.  Chris is walking through the kitchens.  He calls out to a nearby rat.]

 

Chris:  Hey, could you tell me where to check in?  I’m new here.

 

Rat:  Go downstairs.  Ask for Joe.

 

Chris:  Thanks.

 

[Chris heads for a set of stairs that lead into the ground.  At the bottom is a massive steel door.  On it are various warning signs and symbols, including “Danger:  Radioactive Material,” the lotus flower shaped biohazard symbol, as well as various warnings about acids, bases, explosives, toxic fumes, level four contagions, transgenic procedures, pressurized gasses, high voltages, and mad creatures.  Above them is a “No Smoking” sign.]

 

Chris:  Neat.  Considering what this place serves, I probably shouldn’t be too surprised.

 

[He tries to open the door, but cannot.  He notices a little speaker to the right and presses the red button next to it.]

 

Chris:  Uh, hello?  My names Chris Morrison and I’ve been assigned to work here.  Is there a Joe in there?

 

[An old sounding voice rasps from the speaker.]

 

voice:  Come in.  I’ve been wondering when you’d show up.

 

[The door opens.  Chris walks in and looks around curiously.  It’s brightly lit, with many tables piled high with glassware, books, notes, and electronics.  There are several other heavy doors in the walls.  An old warthog turns to great him.]

 

Chris:  Professor Tuskson?  You work here?

 

Prof:  Yes, I do.  I am, in fact, the head chef here.

 

Chris:  No offense, but your work leaves a lot to be desired.  It tastes awful.

 

Prof:  That is wholly beside the point.

 

Chris:  So what is the point?

 

Prof:  Research is the point.  Here I can work with little interference.  Here I can realize my dreams.

 

Chris:  You’re being awfully expository to your new dishwasher.

 

Prof:  Is that what you thought you’d be doing here?  Of course not!  I asked for you by name.  You are going to help me in my work.

 

Chris:  Why me?  There are other biochem students much more able than I.

 

Prof:  You sell yourself short, Mr. Morrison.  Besides that, I think you’re the mostly candidate to go along with me.  The fact that you’re the only one to sign up with University services helped, too.

 

Chris:  Boy do I feel special.

 

Prof:  Don’t take that tone with me.  I’m extremely fortunate to have you.  Most other undergrads would refuse to work here.

 

Chris:  What, exactly, are you doing here?

 

Prof:  Well, I’m supposed to be developing new and nutritious foods for the food services, but what I’m really doing is creating a new kind of life.  It’s my dream to make unintelligent, terrestrial vertebrates.  It’s convenient that I can easily dispose of my numerous failures by calling it food.

 

Chris:  You are quite mad.  You do know that, don’t you?

 

[Professor Tuskson bristles at the remark.]

 

Prof:  Mad?!  Is it mad to spend all my free time deep beneath the dorm cafeteria, constantly reshaping the tapestry of life in my own image, laboriously creating all sorts of new and exotic organic compounds, sending out the rejects as especially expensive and nutritious foodstuffs, and passing the savings on to you?  Is that madness, or GENIUS!?

 

Chris:  Can’t argue with that.  Sounds like fun.  Where do I start?

 

[Week Two.  Elsa is standing on the playground outside the school, watching her charges frolic around.  A female Labrador teacher walks up and peaks to her.]

 

Lab:  I always thought of this as the best part of the job.  I love to watch them play and make up games. 

 

Elsa:  It is a nice change of pace from the class room.  Vhat kinds of games do children play here?

 

Lab:  Have you seen the latest one?  I think they call it “Nazis and Mousies” or something like that.

 

Elsa:  [shaking her head]  Vhy me?  Vhat did I do to deserve this?

 

[Cut to Doby and Loree standing outside Feldman Hall, speaking with the old bobcat.]

 

Loree:  So it will be three weeks before the heating system is repaired?

 

Bob:  Yes, but the plumbing is finally fixed.

 

Loree:  Thank you.  Doby, can you get a good picture of the building and him?

 

Doby:  Sure.

 

[Doby kneels and takes a picture.]

 

Loree:  Take another.  This time without your finger on the lens.

 

Doby:  Oh, right.

 

[Cut to Darryl and Dave, who are currently on the third floor of Richter Hall.  They are carrying a door between them.  They are being interrogated by Dani.]

 

Darryl:  [tired sounding] No, we are not crazed maniacs, paramilitary spies, vengeful lab partners, jealous lovers, lovesick lupines, psychotic sore losers, sneaky law students, bothersome reporters, or police officers.  We’re just here to fix a door, ma’am.  Again.

 

Dave:  You’d think she’d recognize us by now.

 

[Cut to Leon, who is standing under an oak tree.  He is shouting up to Biff, who is in the branches.]

 

Leon:  Ha!  You can’t get away from me this time!  I got you treed!  Give yourself up and I’ll only give you half the citations I could.  Only twenty-three instead of forty six.  It’s a good deal.

 

Biff:  Err…No.

 

[Biff leaps from the tree, landing on a very surprised Leon.  He quickly gets up and runs off.  Leon lies on the ground for a moment and picks himself up.]

 

Leon:  I’ll get him sooner or later.  I just need to outsmart him.  Which shouldn’t be too hard.

 

[Cut to inside a chemistry lab.  A large crowd of faculty and students are huddled to one side.  Jen is holding them back.  In the area in the middle, a male raccoon is running around and screaming.  Probably because his tail is on fire.  Susan is carrying an extinguisher and a thermal blanket and trying to chase him down.]

 

Coon:  MY TAIL’S ON FIRE!  MY TAIL’S ON FIRE!

 

Susan:  Hold still, you #@^$ing idiot!

 

[She chases him about for a few more laps, then suddenly turns around and tackles him from the front as he makes another circuit around the lab.  Susan quickly smothers the flame and tries to bandage him up, but he’s still flailing madly.]

 

Coon:  AAAAHHHHH!  MAKE THE PAIN STOP!

 

Susan:  If you would just hold still-

 

[One of the raccoon’s paws connects solidly with Susan’s jaw.  She shakes her head in surprise.]

 

Susan:  That’s it!  I’m going to heal you one way or another.

 

[She starts beating him senseless.]

 

Susan: [punctuating each word with a blow] Now.  Stop.  Moving.  And.  Let.  Me.  Help.  You!

 

[The raccoon is knocked unconscious.]

 

Susan:  Finally.  I was afraid I was going to have to crack his skull.

 

Jen:  Remind me to never ask you out again.

 

[Cut to Chris, who is poking at a green glob on the counter top in the lab.]

 

Chris:  What the hell is this stuff?

 

Prof:  An odd kind of multi-cellular slime mold.  It’s one of my most successful attempts to date.  It’s also known as the Wednesday Special.  It grows pretty rapidly in vats, so I dish it out as filler. 

 

[The glob snatches the rod out of Chris’ hand and swats him on the nose with it.]

 

Chris:  Ow!

 

Prof:  Be careful.  It can be pretty nasty if uncooked.

 

[Chris lights a nearby Bunsen burner and threatens the slime ball with it.]

 

Chris:  You give me any more trouble and I’ll stick you in a calorimeter and find out how much energy you make when you combust.  Capiche?

 

Glob: [dropping stick] Phooey!

 

[Week Three.  Elsa is sitting in an administrator’s office.  Sitting on the other side of the desk is a sad looking vole.]

 

Vole:  I’m dreadfully sorry, Ms. Schuder, but I’m afraid we can no longer employ you.  Your presence here has caused far too much disruption.

 

Elsa:  But I’ve done nothing wrong.  Vhy am I being fired?

 

Vole:  Well, Danny’s parents are here and they are demanding your resignation or they’ll go tell the press that we’re employing a Nazi.

 

[At that point, a German Shepherd and a red wolf burst through the door.]

 

Vole:  Here they are now.

 

Elsa: [surprise]  Danny has two daddies?

 

Shepherd and Wolf:  See?!  She’s not only a Nazi, but a HOMOPHOBIC NAZI!

 

Elsa: [confused] Is there any other kind?

 

[Suffice it to say, it goes downhill from here.  Cut to Loree and Doby.  They are sitting at a bar.  Loree is sorting her notes and writing comments as Doby sneaks some drinks.]

 

Loree:  I just can’t seem to find anything newsworthy.  This stuff is all dull, dull, dull.  I need to get my own scoop.

 

Doby:  What about those protester’s by the cafeteria?

 

Loree:  This is a college campus.  You can’t throw a rock without hitting some yahoos protesting some thing or other.  I need something that’s far less common.  Like a dirty scandal or horrible disaster.  Or maybe just something incredibly bizarre and stupid.

 

[Loree thinks for a moment, tapping her pencil on the bar.  She suddenly stops, and she smiles.]

 

Loree:  How about I buy a drink or two Doby?

 

Doby:  Really?  I didn’t think you liked me that much.

 

[Cut to Dave and Darryl.  They are in the cafeteria painting a wall.]

 

Dave:  Sheesh.  Is there ever a time something doesn’t need to be fixed or maintained?  Trying to keep this place from falling apart is several lifetimes of work.

 

Darryl:  Which is why they pay us so much.  Want to get something to eat while we’re here?

 

Dave:  I try to avoid eating here if at all possible.  Especially on Wednesdays.

 

Darryl:  I don’t think it’s that bad.

 

Dave:  I say there isn’t a more bizarre thing on campus.

 

[Doby runs by, completely naked and screaming the school fight song.]

 

Dave:  Well that’s pretty bizarre, but the special is still worse.

 

[Leon runs by, yelling after Doby.]

 

Leon:  I almost had him!  Come back here you mangy mutt!  You’ll pay for ruining my Biff trap!

 

Darryl:  Let’s go somewhere else.

 

Dave:  Good idea.

 

[They quickly pack up their stuff and leave the building.  Cut to Chris, who is mixing together some reagents in the lab.  Professor Tuskson walks up to him.]

 

Prof:  I’m going out to do some errands.  Mind the lab till I get back.

 

Chris:  Sure thing, Professor.

 

[The professor leaves the lab.  Chris continues his work.]

 

Chris:  Hmm, so what did I make?  Let’s see…

 

[He pulls out a notepad and a reference guide.]

 

Chris: [scribbling calculations] Two-No, three nitrogen groups.  Connected to a hexagonal ring…So this is Trinitro…[moves finger down a list]…toluene.  Aw, nuts.  I just made twenty pounds of pure TNT!  I gotta get it out of here!

 

[Chris gingerly picks up the large container of explosives and slowly walks upstairs.  He goes through the kitchens, staying as far from the stoves as he can, and out into the dining area which is currently quiet and empty.  As he passes the salad bar, Doby smashes into him, knocking Chris to the ground.  The container rolls away, quickly moving towards a wall.  Doby quickly gets up and resumes his streaking, with Leon hot on his heels.  They exit the building as quickly as they had entered.  Chris sits up and looks around.]

 

Chris:  Oh good.  No kaboom.  Where’d it go?

 

[The barrel collides with the wall with a loud *tink*  Normally, this probably wouldn’t be enough to set it off, but being rubbed a good bit with fur gives it a nice static charge which creates a noticeable spark when it nears an electrical outlet.]

 

Chris:  Nuts.

 

BAAMM!

 

[Chris and the salad bar are flung to the far wall, tables and chairs go flying, and part of the building collapses when the wall is blown out.  Soon thereafter, all sorts of emergency vehicles are pulled up to the building and a large crowd has gathered.  Most of the emergency workers are clustered around Biff.  Apparently, the blast had sent a piece of debris flying which walloped him in the head.  Loree is standing at the outskirts of the crowd, talking to a police officer.]

 

Loree:  So, besides Kingston, was anyone hurt?

 

Officer:  We are certain that there was no one else injured.  The building was closed for maintenance and the workers were gone at the time of the blast.

 

Loree:  Is Percival Kingston in good condition?

 

Officer:  He is in stable condition, yes.

 

Loree:  Do you know the cause of this explosion?

 

Officer:  While there was a report from a campus cop of a streaking Doberman, but we feel that he has nothing to do with this.  Right now, our suspicions lay on radical anti-meat protesters.

 

[Beyond the crowd, Susan and Jen are stepping through the rubble.]

 

Susan:  Well, this is a fitting monument to the horrors that were created here.  Too bad they’ll rebuild it.

 

[Jen stops and picks up something from the ground.]

 

Jen:  Look at this.  Isn’t this Chris’ hat?

 

Susan:  Odd.  He would never forget that stupid hat, but we were told that there weren’t any workers here.

 

Jen:  He must have left it here by accident I guess. 

 

[They continue to explore the wreckage.  They come to one particularly large pile of debris against what used to be a wall.  Part of a leg and a foot can be seen poking from beneath a slab of concrete.  Susan spots it and points at it.]

 

Susan:  Jen!  Quick!  Go get help!  There’s someone under there!

 

[Jen runs back towards the crowd as Susan runs to the pile.  She quickly moves the piece of concrete out of the way, revealing Chris slumped up against the salad bar and breathing weakly.  His eyes flicker open as the sunlight hits him.]

 

Chris: [smiling weakly] Took your time, didn’t you?

 

Susan:  Don’t try to be funny.  Are you okay?

 

Chris:  Do I look okay?

 

[That would be a no.  Chris’ leg is obviously broken and it’s debatable whether his back is also because he seems unable to move his legs.  His clothing is torn and his fur is either scorched or matted with blood.  Gashes on his head and chest are visible and are bleeding.  All of his white markings have been stained red, as well as the remnants of his clothing.  A pool of red  is slowly growing around him.  Chris’ smashed glasses lie on the floor beside him.]

 

Susan:  My God in heaven.

 

Chris:  I was thinking about the same thing.

 

[Susan quickly kneels down and starts trying to patch him up.]

 

Chris:  I think I’ll beat you in this, too.  I’ve lost far too much blood.  It’s only a matter of time now.

 

Susan:  I’m not going to let that happen.

 

Chris:  All my life I’ve wanted to create life, but now all I am is your lesson in death.  All physicians think they can stop it when they first start working.  Almost all learn otherwise.  Fortunately or not, you’re getting your lesson early.

 

Susan:  Don’t talk.  It’s harmful to you and you’re awful at philosophizing. 

 

[Chris starts coughing.  He winces in pain.  Susan grabs him to keep him from falling.]

 

Chris:  At least I’m not dying alone.  I was always afraid I’d be alone and forgotten at the end.

 

Susan:  I told you to stop speaking.  You’ll kill yourself.  [turning her head and shouting] SOMEBODY HELP ME!  I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!

 

[Looking back at the crowd, Susan sees Jen trying to get some other paramedics attention, but they’re too busy attending Biff.]

 

Susan:  I really hate that lion.

 

[Chris doubles over in pain.]

 

Chris:  Please, hold me…

 

[He passes out.  Susan hugs him tightly.]

 

Susan:  You can’t die.  I can’t live without you.

 

Voice off camera:  [scoffing] He won’t die.

 

[Professor Tuskson walks into view.]

 

Susan:  Huh?

 

Prof:  What kind of paramedic are you?  Check his pulse and blood pressure.

 

[She does so.]

 

Susan:  Low, but not too bad.  How-

 

Prof:  Most of that isn’t his blood.  It’s salad dressing.  A vinaigrette I think.

 

[She drops Chris.  He bangs his head on a rock.]

 

Chris:  Ow!  I was hoping I wouldn’t get hurt in heaven.

 

[Chris pushes himself back upright.]

 

Chris:  I’m dying and you drop me?!

 

Susan:  You’re not dying.

 

Chris:  I’m not?  But, the blood-

 

Susan:  Is mostly salad dressing.

 

[Chris sniffs his soaked fur.]

 

Chris:  I never liked raspberry vinaigrette.

 

[He winces in pain.]

 

Chris:  Help me, please.  It really hurts to breath with broken ribs.

 

Prof:  [turning away] Take good care of your boyfriend there.  He owes me quite a lot in damages.

 

Susan:  He is not my boyfriend!

 

Chris:  I am not her boyfriend!  Wait, damages?

 

[Tuskson continues to walk away.]

 

Prof:  Chris?

 

Chris:  Yeah?

 

Prof:  You’re fired.

 

Chris:  And I was having so much fun, too.

 

[Chris and Susan stare at each other for a bit.]

 

Susan:  You are not my boyfriend.  Understand?

 

Chris:  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The very idea puts me in more pain than I already am.  Now get me out of here before I do actually die.

 

Susan: *sigh* If I have to.

 

[Week Four.  Darryl, Elsa, Susan, Doby, Leon, and Chris are back in the lounge.  Chris is sitting in wheelchair with casts on his torso and left leg.  He isn’t wearing his glasses, but does have his hat.]

 

Darryl:  Well, me and Dave have been accused of contributing to the destruction of the cafeteria and have been fired.  Anyone else still have a job?

 

Elsa:  Nein.

 

Susan:  Some raccoon complained and got me and Jen fired.

 

Chris:  My job went up in smoke.  It’ll be a miracle if I can even afford new glasses.

 

Leon:  On unpaid leave pending accusations of harassing Biff Kingston.

 

Doby:  I got canned.

 

[Loree barges in waving a newspaper.]

 

Loree:  Look!  My first front page story!  It’s about the cafeteria.  And I also have an article about Doby’s escapades and another about police brutality and another about school protesters!  I’m doing so well!

 

[Chris takes the paper and skims through it.]

 

Chris:  “The explosion last week has been concluded to have been caused by a combination of faulty maintenance and careless cafeteria personnel.” [short pause]  “It was thought that no one other than Biff was injured until bumbling rescue workers uncovered a badly wounded cafeteria worker.”  I’m so happy for you, Loree.

 

Darryl:  Well, on the plus side.  People will never remember us and connect these events to us in the future.

 

Elsa:  Vonderful.

 

Leon:  Anyone want to try telemarketing the rest of the summer?

 

[End of movie.  Cut back to show Chris and Loree back on the couch.]

 

Loree:  That was the best summer ever!

 

Chris: [strangely calm] Loree, I thought you said you’d cut that scene of me and Susan at the end.

 

Loree:  But people like watching your awkward romance.  And you two are so kyoot together!

 

Chris:  Let me reiterate.  Susan and I have no romantic relationship.  We are together only if circumstances force it.  It’s just an unfortunate accident that it can be so easily misconstrued that we like each other.  Near death can make a fox do crazy things.

 

Loree:  Now I forget, was this before or after the events in “Predator and Prey”?

 

Chris:  Before.  Now never mention that film again.

 

Loree:  Okay, I’ll bite.  Why are you so calm about this?  You’re supposed to be hopping mad and screaming.

 

Chris:  The thought of what Susan will do to you when she finds out about this makes me feel much better.  If you keep doing this you’ll push her over the edge.

 

Loree:  No one would hurt me.  I’m too cute and fuzzy.

 

Chris:  Yeah, sure, whatever.

 

Loree:  It’s a fact.  And that’s all we have time for today folks.  Please remember that this show is made possible by University money and the support of-

 

Chris:  -viewers like you.  Now to go tell Susan the news.

 

[Fade to black]