[Loree and Chris are sitting on their couch once more.]

Loree: Hi and welcome back to “We’re Richter, Too!”

Chris: The show that puts the “class” in “The Class Menagerie.”

Loree: Actually, that’s kind of inappropriate, considering today’s show.

Chris: Why? Is Doby in it?

Loree: No. Our moviemakers are currently on something of a hiatus. We can’t show any glimpses into the past for the time being.

Chris: Oh, what happened?

Loree: From what I was able to gather from the message they left, Susan apparently barged in and smashed up everything. Many were badly injured. The rest fled.

Chris: I told you she was out to get you, but did you listen to me? Nooo. “I can handle it,” you said. That’s what you get for broadcasting that slanderous “Predator and Prey” movie. Susan is very unstable.

Loree: [glaring at Chris] An interesting side note is that Susan was able to get in despite the locks on the doors. Only two people had keys. I still have mine.

Chris: [grinning] Well what do you know? I “lost” my keys yesterday. Do you think that has anything to do with it?

Loree: I hope you’re happy. Now we have no choice but to let Dave do his show today.

Chris: You got to be kidding me. Don’t we have anything else? Dave’s sense of humor is rather…odd.

Loree: It’s either Dave or a talk show.

Chris: [to camera with renewed enthusiasm] And now we proudly present “The Animal Bothering Show,” starring are very own David Renault and Jennifer Hale!

[Cut to a view of Dave and Jen standing in the hallway. Both are wearing khaki shirts and shorts. Jen is wearing a field pack and Dave is wearing one of those Aussie hats with a side folded up.]

Dave: [bad Australian accent] G’day, mates. Welcome to “The Animal Bothering Show!” Today we’ll go upstairs and bother our neighbors, just because we like to see ‘em get pissed off and miserable.

Jen: You’ve been watching too much TV again. Do you have to speak like that?

Dave: Abso-bloody-lutely! The show wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t!

Jen: *sigh* Fine, let’s get going then.

Dave: Roight! Follow us!

[The camera follows Jen and Dave as they walk up the stairwell and come out on the third floor. Dave turns around talks to the camera.]

Dave: This here is the third floor of the infamous Richter Hall. This dilapidated structure is the habitat of choice for some of the most dangerous creatures in all of North America. Shh! I think I hear one now!

[Dani steps out of her room. Dave sees her and turns back to the camera.]

Dave: That there is the common field mouse. Mice are small and timid creatures, with a widely known penchant for eating cheese. This one is known as Dani. Here, let’s see if we can get the cute little fella’s attention.

[Jen hands Dave a box of Cheezos. Dave waves it at Dani, who walks up to the group.]

Dave: Come on. I got Cheezos! C’mere little mousey. That’s it. Good girl.

[Dani walks up to Dave with a dangerous look in her eye.]

Dave: She’s a beautiful creature, isn’t she? Sure she lacks the popularity of the felines and canines, but she’s cute in her own little way.

WHACK!

[The blow to the back of the head sends Dave to the floor.]

Dave: Crikey! Vicious for such a little creature isn’t she?

WHAM!

[Dani turns to Jen, who is standing a respectable distance away.]

Dani: What are you doing here?

Jen: We’re here on behalf of DeMontfort Public Broadcasting. We have been ordered to do an expose on the infamous residents of Richter Hall.

Dani: I won’t let you do any such thing. Furthermore, you are strictly forbidden to be here unless accompanied by a resident of the hall.

[Dave and Jen sigh.]

Jen: Look. We’re doing this whether you like or not.

[She pulls a set of papers out of her pack and hands them to Dani.]

Jen: That is a press permit to go anywhere we wish on the third floor to do our show.

Dani: Hmmph!

Jen: [points at camera] It should also be noted that this is being broadcast live. May I suggest you be less violent to us in the future? Video evidence holds up very well in court. Now why don’t you do something pleasant and leave us?

[Livid with rage, Dani turns around, picks up the box of Cheezos, and stomps down the hall back to her own room.]

Jen: I should ask her out sometime. She’s cute when she’s angry

[Dave picks himself up.]

Dave: Truly a wonderful animal. Let’s go see who else we can find up here.

[They go down the hallway and walk into 303, which is open. The scene is strangely peaceful. Kevin is playing a game on his computer, while Brad is sipping a cola and reading a textbook. Tony isn’t there. They both turn to face the newcomers.]

Dave: Ah! Now this is something very special. Here we have the majestic jayhawk and the common orange tabby.

Kevin: Common?!

Brad: Get out of here! I don’t like cameras!

Dave: The jayhawk is a shy predator, and tries to avoid being spotted if at all possible.

Brad: Are you listening to me?!

Jen: You should switch to decaf. You really should calm down.

Brad: Heretics!

[Brad grabs Dave and puts him in a vicious headlock.]

Brad: Get out of here NOW!

Dave: Crikey! Notice the unusually strong wings. This lets the raptor easily carry away it’s prey. Are you getting all of this?

[Brad reaches for the camera, but it jerks away quickly. Frustrated, Brad dumps Dave on the floor and heads out the door.]

Kevin: Who are you guys?

Jen: We’re from DUPB. We have been asked to a show about you.

Dave: This pussy cat, named Kevin, has become extremely adapted to life in this dorm. Notice the complete lack of any muscle tone. If returned to the wild, he would die almost instantly.

Kevin: Is he always like this?

Jen: Only if he’s been watching way too many nature shows.

Dave: The only jungle he could possibly survive in would be the suburban jungle! Despite this, there are ways to get him riled up. Hand me the Feline Agitator, Jen.

[Jen reaches into her pack and tosses Dave a squirt gun. Kevin looks alarmed.]

Kevin: What are you going to do with that?

Dave: Bother you, of course.

[Dave levels the gun at Kevin’s head and fires. Kevin gets pissed and starts throwing furniture around.]

Kevin: YAAAAHHH!

Jen: Is that normal? Or did we somehow stumble into another reference to a popular fanfic?

Dave: Crikey! Killer kitty cat! Run away!

[Kevin leaps towards them and picture goes crazy as the camera swings around a bit. A few seconds later, the image steadies to show Jen leaning against the closed door, panting.]

Jen: You okay?

[The image nods up and down.]

Jen: How about you, Dave? Dave?

Dave: [from behind door] Bad kitty! Stop kicking my head! No, wait, keep kicking my head! Don’t do that instead! AAAHH! That’s not supposed to go there! Put that down!

Kevin: HIYYAAAAA!!

[Jen stares blankly at the door, which is shaking violently.]

Dave: That tickles! [strange stretching sound, followed by a snap.] AAUGHHH!

[Silence. Jen knocks on the door.]

Jen: You okay in there?

Dave: No, but at least Kevin’s unconscious now.

Jen: You hurt him that badly?

Dave: No, all these exertions tired him out and he fainted. Can you please come in here and put my arm back into it’s socket properly? It really hurts.

[Jen slips into the room. After a few popping noises, both step outside and shut the door behind them. Dave does not look good.]

Jen: Perhaps we should try someone less volatile next time? Like the girls?

Dave: That’s a bloomin’ onion of an idea!

[They walk over to the next door. Dave raises his hand to open the door, but it opens before he touches it.]

Lisa: Ooh! A cute cuddly bunny rabbit!

Dave: Crikey!

[An orange blur streaks out the door and knocks Dave flat. Jen turns to the camera.]

Jen: This peculiar animal is a rare daschund/vixen hybrid. It is a ruthless and efficient predator, principally striking those that are particularly cute and fluffy. Isn’t that right, Dave?

[Dave is sitting on the ground, getting tightly squeezed by Lisa.]

Dave: Crikey! I can feel my internal organs moving around each other. Jen, get this vicious dingo offa me!

[Jen, however, is too busy trying to flirt with Cindy.]

Jen: Why don’t you try some venison? It’s the other red meat.

[Cindy snorts contemptuously. Dave winces, from either the bad pick up attempt or from pain. It’s hard to tell. Lisa quickly releases Dave.]

Lisa: Eww, you’re leaking.

Dave: Owwww.

Cindy: I think your time would be better spent looking after your friend there.

Jen: Huh? [glances at Dave] Er, cut to a commercial and help me with him will ya?

[The image changes back to the lounge.]

Chris: Commercial?

Loree: We don’t have any. No advertiser is willing to pay for any space on our show.

Chris: So what do we do then?

Loree: I don’t know.

[Susan pokes her head through the door.]

Susan: Here are your keys back.

[She tosses Chris a keychain.]

Chris: Thanks.

Loree: Susan, why don’t you go upstairs? I think David needs your help.

Susan: If he’s on the third floor he definitely needs my help.

[She leaves.]

Loree: Even though I just lost half my production staff to you two, it’s worth it just see you two cooperate and work together. Perhaps this is the start of a more intimate relationship?

Chris: The very idea disgusts me. This was a temporary alliance of convenience only. It’s worth it just to punish those responsible for that piece of trash you broadcasted despite our objections.

Loree: It was the most popular show yet. Our ratings doubled!

Chris: Twice nothing is still nothing. [looks at keys] Hey, where did the little notches on them go?

[View changes back to the third floor. Jen, Dave, and Susan are standing in the third floor hallway. Dave is half covered in bloodied bandages and an IV is attached to his arm which leads to a bag of plasma being held up by Susan.]

Jen: Always be on good terms with a med student.

Dave: I go out of my way to be nice to Susan. In my line of work, if you’re not absolutely sure, you’re absolutely dead!

Susan: I’m not going to hold this forever.

Jen: So what stupid thing are we going to do next? Call Biff a pussy? Bait Dani? Ask Mikey for advice? Suggest that Brad use decaf?

Susan: Let’s go see Mikey! He’s so cute and fluffy!

Dave and Jen: No.

Susan: You know, I could easily put you back the way I found you.

Dave: On to the next critter: The kangaroo. A native of the Australian outback, the kangaroo is an extremely active and jumpy animal. Let’s go see what the local joey is doing.

[The walk down the hall to 305 and walk in. Inside, Mikey is studying a textbook, listening to Celine Dion, eating an apple, and writing his schedule for two months ahead. Scott is lifting some free weights. He looks up as the group enters, checks out Jen, and stands up. Mikey ignores them.]

Dave: Here we see the kangaroo and it’s companion, the iguana.

Scott: [to Jen] Why, hello there, good lookin. Come to see a wonder of the modern world?

Jen: Yes, I’ve heard they’ve greatly improved miniaturization technology.

Scott: That’s cold.

Dave: Known as Mikey, this particular joey is known for it’s obliviousness and extreme obsessiveness. Personally, I think he’s a bloomin’ idiot.

[Susan jerks the IV.]

Dave: Ow!

Susan: I may have gotten over him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like him. Be nice, fuzzball.

Dave: Let’s get the cute little feller’s attention.

[He taps Mikey on the shoulder. Mikey leaps up into the air, knocking Dave and Susan over.]

Mikey: AAAHH! Who are you!?

Dave: [getting up and reinserting IV] My name’s Dave Renault and I’m the host of “The Animal Bothering Show,” part of the DUPB lineup.

Mike: Don’t I know you from somewhere?

Susan: [hopeful] You remember me?!

Mike: [pointing at camera] Not you, him. I could have sworn I’ve seen him before.

[The camera shakes left and right in an emphatic “no”.]

Dave: I’d be surprised if you remembered any of us.

Mikey: Hmm… I guess you’re right. What is this TV show about? Are you doing something which will inspire students to achieve more? Informing them of proper eating and study habits?

[There’s a loud “SMACK” noise and Jen walks back into view, looking oddly satisfied.]

Jen: Heck no! We’re here to provide cheap entertainment through the suffering of others.

Susan: Sort of like “America’s Funniest Home Videos” but with less taste.

Jen: And a crazy rabbit with a bad Australian accent is much funnier than Bob Sagat.

Dave: Blimey! I can’t believe you’d even compare me to him!

Mikey: So, this is only a poor attempt to get cheap laughs through corny gags. Well, I’m going to make the best of this situation. Wait a moment while I get my speech I prepared for moments like this.

[Mikey starts going through his files.]

Dave: Crikey! No! Anything but that! Somebody do something!

Jen: Are you sure you’ve gotten over Mikey, Susan?

Susan: Other than an occasional bout of lust, yes.

Jen: [shouting] Lisa! Mikey just said he wants you badly!

Mikey: [poking head up] I said no such-

Lisa: MIKEEEEY!!

[A bright orange zips in through the door, knocking aside all in it’s way, before it strikes the fluffy ‘roo. The two slide across the floor from the momentum and up in a tangled pile against the wall.]

Lisa: I knew you’d come to your senses sooner or later, you cute adorable thing you.

Jen: Now that’s entertainment.

Susan: Grrrrrr…

[Susan reaches into a lab coat pocket, pulls out a walnut, and crushes it with one hand.]

Jen: I thought you said you were over him.

Susan: [eating nut] Only because I know I’ll never have a chance if she keeps scaring him like that. He would never have a romantic relationship with a nut like that around. Her aggressions scare him into a psychological shell preventing him from forming any meaningful relationships. It is a situation that will never be resolved to my satisfaction. So, the only decent guy in the dorm is completely unavailable to anyone.

Dave: You and Chris make a cute couple. “Snookums” hehe.

Susan: NEVER! How dare you repeat such fallacies in my presence?! I’d rather go out with Jen!

Jen: Should I be insulted, or hopeful?

Dave: Denial is an ugly thing.

Susan: I think I need to take another look at that shoulder, Dave. I don’t think it’s in right.

Dave: Crikey!

[Dave runs out of the room, Susan following. Strangely, she’s still holding up the bottle of plasma. The camera pans to Mikey and Lisa, still on the floor. Lisa is squeezing and petting him, while Mikey feebly tries to break her grasp. Jen stares at them for a bit and then looks back to the camera.]

Jen: Should I?

[The camera nods up and down.]

Jen: *sigh* Lisa, did it ever occur to you that Mikey might be gay?

Lisa: *gasp* He can’t be gay! He’s my precious Mr. Fluffensnug.

[Lisa squeezes him tighter. Mikey’s tongue lolls out and his flesh starts to turn different colors.]

Voice off camera: Hadn’t you two better leave?

[The camera spins to show Dani in the door way.]

Jen: We’re the press. You can’t touch us. We’ve gone over this already. Beat it, shrew.

Dani: Correction, your pass just expired a couple minutes ago. Now you are violating campus policy. You’re mine now.

Jen: Run for it!

[The camera gets tossed into the air. Before it smashes into the ground, Jen and Leon can be seen try to make it past Dani. When the picture ends, the lounge reappears. Dave is clutching Loree in fright, while Chris is holding the door shut. Loud crashes and screams can be heard upstairs.]

Susan: [from outside] I’m going to skin that bunny alive!

Dave: [back in American accent] I hate it when I get too much into character like that.

Loree: I guess it’s one of the hazards of theater. Let go.

Chris: You know, Dave, it was a good idea to hide in here, except for one crippling error.

Dave: Which was?

Chris: I didn’t care for that remark either.

[He flings open the door and Susan steps in with a wicked grin on her face.]

Susan: Here are your real keys, Chris.

Chris: Thank you. I was getting worried.

Susan: Don’t read too much into this. I still hate you. It’s just that your help has been invaluable. Despite you being the most loathsome creature on the floor.

Chris: [grinning] The feeling’s mutual, rat face.

[Susan slaps him hard.]

Susan: It’s good to see that things are back to normal between us.

Chris: I’d hit you back, but don’t you have a rabbit to hurt?

[Susan darts off after Dave and they dash down the hall, Dave limping badly.]

Loree: It’s so cute seeing you two work together.

Chris: Don’t push it. Our partnership in the name of revenge has ended for the time being, but what’s happened before can happen again.

Loree: Like that fling?

Chris: [frightened] Don’t you even dare suggest that!

Loree: Ooh I think I touched a nerve. Anyways, that’s all we have time for today. Remember, “We’re Richter, Too!” is made possible only through University funds and the hopefully still present support of-

Chris: -viewers like you!